Exit Strategy -Helping You Help Others Exit With Dignity

Firings and separations can be drama-free

I’ve been attending a lot of workshops and seeking business coaching through the SBA/SBDC as I build my start-up. At my first coaching session, she asked me to list all the skills and think of them as services. I can rattle them off easily, then I thought about how often I’ve been asked, “How can I end or exit professional and personal commitments and obligations?”.

I’ve often joked that I’m the “Queen of Quitting” or an Exit Plan Expert, but it’s true. Over the years, I’ve mastered the art of ending things with minimal damage or burned bridges. I once had a supervisor reprimand me for “being too nice” when I fired people. However, it was and still boils down to empathy, humanity, compassion and safety.

I’ve devoted my life to working with people who need me the most — which is often low income, at-risk communities. A lot of people are stretched thin without adequate financial, communal support or mental health resources. Losing a job can often be the tipping point. I’ve never wanted to add to another person’s stress or be the reason they’ve lost hope. However, when things aren’t working out they need to be addressed and sometimes that involves termination or ending a contract.

My former supervisor who was a young, single white woman questioned and criticized how I took my time during termination conferences and provided transition resources. She thought the rip the band-aid off approach was best. I knew it wasn’t based on the negative responses from my colleagues’ firings.

I approached it from the perspective that the job wasn’t a good fit, not that they were a bad person or worker. However, I did carefully review previous conversations and memos that lead to the termination and I printed out community resources to help them transition as they’d be losing health insurance and child care. I ended with some job suggestions that were aligned with her strengths. One young girl cried, hugged me and left peacefully and empowered.

When my previous supervisor said, “I did too much, you should have just released her and called security to escort her out.” I was confused, we had meetings discussing how this method wasn’t working. This was a very low paying job that employed mostly poor, younger Black and brown men and women with young, white college graduates as supervisors.

This was a first job for most of the team members and leaders. Many agreed that our current termination protocol was humiliating, problematic, cold and put us all at risk as it required us to bring the person from the field to our corporate office and it often ended with people leaving upset or causing a scene. I explained that as Black, single mother and community member — I thought my method was allowed for a smoother transition for everyone involved. It preserved the dignity of the person fired and most importantly it was respectful, culturally competent and aligned with my professional values. We discussed trying other ways to avoid escalation.

Ironically, the same girl called to complain that she thought she should be given a second chance using quotes from her termination. I called her back with my supervisor to hear her complaints. However, I provided such air tight documentation, the termination stood and she never called back, again. My supervisor used the call back to substantiate her claim that my method was wrong and I pointed out that her call and reaction was normal. I reminded her that my termination conferences never resulted in any disruptions to the office like some of our recent incidents and we agreed to disagree.

In this scenario, I strategically planned for a smooth transition. While I didn’t anticipate the young lady calling back, I chalked it up to paradigm shift. Why does a separation or termination have to be dramatic or traumatic? Why can’t we end things with compassion and empathy?

I only treated that young lady the way I wanted to be treated. I wish everyone thought about another human being losing much needed income to support their family and how a termination would negatively impact their life and provide resources. I wish someone would point out the person’s strengths and how that might be a better fit for another position and aligned with their personality and skill sets.

For the record, I’ve used this method for over 20 years and it’s worked. No one has ever been able to say they didn’t understand why they were being terminated, that they didn’t receive several documented meetings to address, coach and support employees to resolve performance issues.

One of my best stories was when I offered to transfer a client after they complained to my administrator that “I was too hard on them” during a write-up conference. She had the option to switch teams with a new supervisor. When I offered, I just knew she’d jump at the opportunity. Instead, she looked at me and said, “Oh, no I still want you to be my supervisor, I thought about what you said, and I was wrong and you are always honest, but fair and really worked with me…Thank you”.

I was so shocked, I almost cried. This same young lady almost cost me my job, but requested to stay with me… It was confirmation that I was doing something right after all these years. I gave her the opportunity to leave and she choose to stay because she knew I was fair, honest and I cared…

The personal side

I feel the same way about personal relationships. We don’t need to tear another person down when we’re leaving. Just because that person isn’t the right person for you — doesn’t mean that person is worthless or unworthy of love. With every relationship, we show someone a different side…

I’m kind of a subject matter expert on quitting and detachment. How did I get here? Well, I was born this way. I had the blessing and curse of not being raised by my biological parents. I call myself a village baby, because everyone in my village helped raise me from family members, to neighbors and my faith based community.

I always felt loved, but simultaneously lonely and longing.

I could easily adapt to different environments and people and learned to look for exits and danger; not to get too attached for easy transitions. I never had a problem saying good-bye. As a matter of fact, I’ve been accused of awkward or abrupt good-byes because I never wanted to “overstay my welcome” or be a burden.

Being an only child also helps. I am just as comfortable being with myself for hours as I am in a group for a limited amount of time. I don’t like to be the center of attention and I can work well in a group, but I don’t mind being a leader and I don’t care who gets “the credit” as long as I feel respected…

I learned that you need people. However, people and situations come into your life for a reason, season or a lifetime and when it’s over it’s ok. Too many people stay in unhealthy relationships too long. They need to know when it’s not working and move on. That’s my sweet spot: assessment, plan and transition.

You’ve got to weigh the pros and cons. In every situation, you have to ask yourself:

Is this working for me?

Is this situation work or personal aligned with my goals and values?

Is this situation healthy and mutually beneficial?

Am I learning or growing?

If not, can this situation be fixed or salvaged and is the other person or parties involved willing to do the work to improve things?

If you’re not it’s time to make an exit plan and transition.

Do you need a Quitting Coach or Exit Plan Expert? I can help. Sometimes the best thing to do is to end the relationship without burning bridges.

In Part 3— we’ll discuss some tips and tricks to drama and trauma free exits.