Quit Treating Others Like Shit Even If You’re Having A Bad Day

Appreciate what you have before it turns into what you had

We’ve all experienced crap in life. But when the people we like treat us like crap, that can be a hard pill to swallow. It’s normal to feel disregarded and unappreciated when they walk all over you.

I was in a toxic relationship for a long time. For years I couldn’t understand how someone could say I love you in one breath, turn around, and spew venom all over me. I lost complete control over my decisions. My sanity and safety came into question.

I’ve had a lot of time to ruminate on why people treat others like shit. There could be a lot of reasons, but generally, I think they do it because they’re trying to protect their self-image from the pain they are experiencing, either directly or indirectly from somewhere else. They see the need to justify their every action.

If they should ever raise their voice and get into someone’s face, that’s because they are an opportunist with a fragile sense of self. They portray an artificial self-confidence when they feel threatened and do not hesitate to take out on others as a coping mechanism in order to feel superior. While they might appear strong on the outside, it’s only to mask the fact that deep down they are insecure. If that doesn’t work out, they will likely collapse into a helpless victim to extract sympathy. They make you feel sorry for them because they wanted so badly to become something they are not and it’s always someone’s fault.

Perhaps you’re that person and you don’t even realize you’re hurting those you claim to love. I’m talking to you today and look, I think I’m just going to call you Sam. Your name might not be Sam, but you know who you are.

And here’s to all the Sams out there.

Cut the crap

You’re a shitty person, Sam. Big time. You shifted the blame on me to deflect your unacceptable behavior and justify your crap. It was always my fault, wasn’t it? I made you angry, and I disrespected you. I probably had said things that triggered you. But here’s the thing. Nobody has the power to make you act a certain way. You’re not held at gunpoint. You avoided responsibility and made yourself superior to me. It was really a conscious expression of free will.

To what extent does a trigger grant you a valid excuse to take advantage of another? I used to think it was my fault, that perhaps the adrenaline rush I got from the push and pull is normal, but it wasn’t. I may have disrespected you, but it was purely unintentional with the words I’ve said. I may have brought up a topic that made you uncomfortable. But who can really make you angry unless you allowed yourself to get angry? I know you might have felt disrespected but there’s no reason to gaslight me. I’m not your enemy, Sam.

The point is, just because you’re threatened doesn’t give you the license to attack me. Mind you, this is not conditional. I learned despite various attempts to change my reactions, you continued to return to your former behavior. Instead of seeking an alternative way to handle the issue, you got more agitated and took the opportunity to lash out at me. The funny thing is, you always had a reason to justify what seemed like a punishment of me.

The other person is always the villain

I get it that most of us never conceptualize what it’s like to see through the eyes of another. That causes this bias where we define ourselves as the protagonist in every exchange and interaction. Have you ever considered that perhaps this default setting of self-centeredness that is hard-wired into us may be completely wrong and deluded? Despite your deepest belief, you are not the absolute center of the universe and your behavior is unacceptable.

If you mistreat others and then try to defend yourself by saying you can’t help it because of such-and-such, that’s just a cop-out. It turns out your excuses were always the same.

“It’s all your fault…”

“You triggered me…”

“You make me angry…”

“If you haven’t done that…”

“If you’ve treated me with more respect…”

Blame-shifting is a tactic of bullies. You claimed that if only I would behave differently, you would not treat me the way you did. It doesn’t really matter. The point is, it’s unacceptable to take your pain out on me, or anyone else. Whatever triggered you was not a valid excuse to take advantage of another.

Your behavior says a lot about you

Disagreements between loved ones are inevitable, but with a relationship gone toxic, there’s a lack of ownership with no change in behavior. I felt like I often walked on eggshells, never knowing when something I might say or do might rattle your emotional cage. You spend untold hours interacting with others outside. Once in a while, I’d have liked to know perhaps my overall sense of fulfillment in life is a priority to you too.

Fast forward, this is me looking over my shoulders all the time. I might have carried you into my future relationships through the unresolved trauma. It’s like coming off from an intense rollercoaster ride with too many turns and loops that I’m no longer sure which way is up.

It’s difficult to determine when and whom to trust because it’s so hard to feel completely safe. I doubt my thoughts, my actions, and even my love for others. I doubt my worthiness. You’re a lingering nightmare that I need to find closure from. Recovery isn’t just about healing. I’m learning to trust that there is someone who will fully embrace me with my scars and all.

All of us do unhealthy things from time to time, Sam. It’s part of being human. Quit permitting yourself to take it out on me or anyone else. Just because life throws you a curveball, there’s no reason to make others suffer along. I implore you to stop being shitty. Life happens, but it’s still your responsibility to manage your pain.

I try not to personalize your mean behavior because I recognize that hurt people hurt other people. But I will not stick around and let your pain give birth to new traumas in me. In the meantime, try to get your shit together because how you treat others says a lot about who you are, and who you are ain’t pretty. It’s about time you own up to your mistakes.

Author’s Note: We tend to idealize everything good about the people we love. When they do something wrong, we end up making excuses for them. We shouldn’t waste our energy on those who don’t appreciate us, and that is why it shouldn’t be hard for us to stop allowing that from happening. We should not tolerate bad behavior regardless of the reasons. Don’t take emotional abuse lightly.

This story is inspired by Holly Kellums’ brilliant piece. Do check it out.