Questions and Answers
This is part eleven of my story of recovering from my wife’s affair and rebuilding our marriage. If you haven’t already, please start at the beginning with part one.
Today is two weeks since one of the worst days of my life — the Monday I thought for sure that my marriage was over.
Today also feels like perhaps the start of a new phase in recovering from this trauma. My wife had to go away this past weekend for a family event. I was supposed to go with her, but the situation changed and I wasn’t able to go. I would be separated from her for 36 hours or so, and have to spend the night alone in our bed for the first time since the night she was away in a hotel room with him.
This situation, of course, brought up a lot of negative feelings. I fought them as much as I could. After she left Saturday morning, I tried to stay busy to keep my mind off of things. That night I basically drugged myself into a coma so I could sleep. On Sunday I again tried to stay busy, but as I engaged in mundane chores, thoughts and questions began to seep in….
- I really don’t want divorce, but that’s not my primary motivation for trying so hard to make things work out between my wife and me. It’s how much I love her and how much hope I have for a great future together with her. Does she feel the same way? What is her primary motivation for fighting for our marriage? Is it the marriage itself, or me? (I asked her these questions later, so I will note her responses after each one: She assures me she does feel the same way. She says it’s why she deleted her secret email account on that Sunday and why she fought for another chance the following day.)
- Along those same lines, if we weren’t married right now, and she was simply choosing which one of us to marry and spend the rest of her life with, who would it be? (She says me, hands down.)
- So much of whether or not an affair happens depends on when the opportunity arises. For me, it arose around 10 years ago, with the mother of our daughter’s best friend at the time. We saw one another a lot, as we were both involved with the kids’ school. She was a little flirty, touching my shoulders and arms a lot, and she would always sit next to me at school meetings. One evening before a school event, we were alone together in the cafeteria, talking about movies. She told me that if I wanted, I could come over during the day sometime, while both of our spouses were at work and our kids at school, to watch a movie with her. I laughed it off with a “yeah, maybe so.” It was clear what she meant. This was a “Netflix and chill” offer before the term existed. Over the next day or two, I can’t say I didn’t think about taking her up on it, but when I did, I saw all the potential destruction — my wife devastated, two families ripped apart, young children harmed by the turmoil, just as I was as a child. I couldn’t do it, and I’ve never regretted that decision. However, I have to admit that there were other times in the course of our marriage when perhaps I would’ve pulled that trigger. I haven’t said to my wife in the past month and a half, “I would never have done this to you.” I can’t say that with certainty. I’m human, too. Under certain circumstances, I can imagine potentially making the same hurtful, selfish decision she did, but for me, feelings and opportunity never aligned to create that situation. So that’s my question: for how long was she in that place where she was susceptible to taking the opportunity should it arise? A few months, years? (She says probably for the past couple of years.)
- And speaking of that opportunity arising, does she now finally understand what a horrible thing he did? This man unceremoniously dumped her over two-and-a-half decades ago. Then, after all that time, he decides he wants her back and reaches out to her with the clear goal of taking her for himself. The act of providing her that opportunity is the definition of “homewrecking.” And this is where I can definitively say, “I would never do that.” I would never pursue a married woman. It’s not something decent men do, because we all know that marriages can be fragile things at times. Reaching out and providing an opportunity to someone in a marriage is an inherently selfish and destructive act. But that didn’t stop him, because he is a piece of shit. As I said earlier, I know my wife would have been absolutely miserable with him. I want my wife to see that, but I’m not sure she does. Of course, her view of him is clouded by her feelings and the things he told her. I told her my opinion of him during the three and a half weeks that I thought the affair was over. I wonder how that made her feel — telling her to her face that the guy she was still carrying on an affair with behind my back was a total piece of shit. I wonder if some part of her knew I was right, even then. I wonder if she knows it now, or if she ever will. (She pushed back on this a little, as I expected her to. I get that it may be too much to ask from her right now. Her main objection was that she sees the affair as her fault, not his, but I know also that she did have feelings for him very recently. Is it fair to demand that she put them aside in an instant? I guess I mainly want to know that those feelings are fading, and that soon she won’t ever think about him, or when she does, not fondly.)
I planned to let my wife settle in after she got home, but I felt like I would soon need to ask her to go off somewhere private and talk through some of these things with me.
But then she walked through the door, lugging bags and immediately giving me a warm smile. She put some things down then came over to hug me. It was one of those strong hugs that felt like it wasn’t only for me, it was also for her. I knew then that she had missed me, too. Her mother and our daughter were with her, so she couldn’t be too overt about anything, but she whispered in my ear, “You’re fine now.”
It was an impactful moment for me. Suddenly, the questions were swept away. They are important questions, and we would discuss them later, but the need, the compulsion, to get answers to them immediately was gone. Also swept away were the doubts from over the weekend. She had been away from me, with her devices, and probably able to — if she wanted — figure out some secretive way to get back in touch with him.
But something about the way she came in, the way she looked at me, the feelings contained in her hugs and kisses and whispers of assurance… it told me I had nothing to worry about. My wife had been gone for 36 hours, but she had still been with me in a way, in this fight with me, and now she was back home and ready to keep fighting.
We never talked about anything regarding the affair that evening. We shared more smiles and hugs and kisses, and then we went to bed early and made love before falling asleep in each other’s arms.
It isn’t the end of this recovery story, but I woke up today feeling like a page had turned, and it felt good.