Queen Elizabeth Announces the Restoration of Royal Rule in the States in a New Letter

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hard feelings, for it is time to come home to mummy.It has been the privilege of my life to watch you grow up and take charge (unlike Charles). I watched as you overcame your differences and quit your petty squabbles in the South, smiled down from my omnipotent heavens as you made up your own adorable little version of “football,” and took the greatest pride when you danced along to the “Harlem Shake.” But these are darker times, my young ones, and I have been planning something special for you.It has not been easy seeing you struggle under the grip of COVID-19, but we British folk know a thing or two about plagues and how to resolve them. Which is why we have decided to reclaim our former colonies to restore global prosperity. You see, the term corona comes from the Latin word for “crown.” And as corona ravages your lands and lays waste to your cities, so shall I.As I write this letter, half a million mounted Red Coats sail for New England, or as it shall soon be known: England. My Canadian legions are already marching south, ready to apologize for penetrating the border, as they slaughter your National Guard. Fear not, however, for you

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r wounded will be treated for free under the expanded NHS.Since we have last seen each other, we have developed our fair share of differences. These will have to be overcome if we are to fight this virus as one nation, indivisible, under Me. That is why, the letter u shall be restored to its former glory, and Weight Watchers will replace the American physical education system. But worry not, my pets, no harm shall come to your Applebees and Walmarts.Once we disband the American Congress and British Parliament, full authority shall be restored to the Crown. You will be delighted to know that you may all keep your guns, provided you quarter British troops in your homes and serve on the front lines for the remainder of our expansion.The central state of Kansas shall serve as the seat of government. Any trace of the traitor Washington shall be removed immediately. The state and District of Columbia shall be renamed Elizabeth and Elizabeth D.C. respectfully.Anyone who violates these terms shall be subject to tarring and feathering, but remember, it’s only because mummy loves you.Elizabeth</article></body>

Queen Elizabeth II Announces the Restoration of Royal Rule in the States in New Letter

Co-written with Blake Bichler

On April 29th’s global coronavirus summit, Britain’s Queen announces plan for restoration of global peace and harmony:

My Beloved Subjects,

What a joyous 244 years it has been since I have last written. You might recall that brief spat we endured in the 1770s, but rest assured little ones, I bear no hard feelings, for it is time to come home to mummy.

It has been the privilege of my life to watch you grow up and take charge (unlike Charles). I watched as you overcame your differences and quit your petty squabbles in the South, smiled down from my omnipotent heavens as you made up your own adorable little version of “football,” and took the greatest pride when you danced along to the “Harlem Shake.” But these are darker times, my young ones, and I have been planning something special for you.

It has not been easy seeing you struggle under the grip of COVID-19, but we British folk know a thing or two about plagues and how to resolve them. Which is why we have decided to reclaim our former colonies to restore global prosperity. You see, the term corona comes from the Latin word for “crown.” And as corona ravages your lands and lays waste to your cities, so shall I.

As I write this letter, half a million mounted Red Coats sail for New England, or as it shall soon be known: England. My Canadian legions are already marching south, ready to apologize for penetrating the border, as they slaughter your National Guard. Fear not, however, for your wounded will be treated for free under the expanded NHS.

Since we have last seen each other, we have developed our fair share of differences. These will have to be overcome if we are to fight this virus as one nation, indivisible, under Me. That is why, the letter u shall be restored to its former glory, and Weight Watchers will replace the American physical education system. But worry not, my pets, no harm shall come to your Applebees and Walmarts.

Once we disband the American Congress and British Parliament, full authority shall be restored to the Crown. You will be delighted to know that you may all keep your guns, provided you quarter British troops in your homes and serve on the front lines for the remainder of our expansion.

The central state of Kansas shall serve as the seat of government. Any trace of the traitor Washington shall be removed immediately. The state and District of Columbia shall be renamed Elizabeth and Elizabeth D.C. respectfully.

Anyone who violates these terms shall be subject to tarring and feathering, but remember, it’s only because mummy loves you.

Elizabeth