Quarantined in an Unsupportive, Unloving Environment?
Here’s what you can do to stay both safe and sane
DISCLAIMER: This article pertains strictly to those who are dealing with a difficult home situation and/or individuals, and may not provide sufficient aid for extreme cases of domestic violence and abuse. If you feel unsafe by any means, please look into the available resources and helplines that are still offered amidst the pandemic.
It can be frustrating and beyond painful to be trapped indoors with a narcissistic parent, guardian, partner, sibling, or roommate in an environment that’s always felt toxic and largely unsafe.
It’s painful beyond words.
And what you will have to face in the upcoming weeks (months, even) in quarantine may be stressful, disappointing, and even give rise to old traumatic patterns.
But remember, there’s only so much you can do when you’re under the same roof as them 24/7. Surviving in an unloving home right now is largely a mental battle — it’s about prepping yourself emotionally and wiring yourself with the necessary tools, so this lockdown won’t be harder than it needs to be.
First, Prepare Yourself Within:
1. Lower all expectations, and keep them low: If they’ve never held you and comforted your fears and anxieties before, what makes you think they will now? And if it’s never been easy to live with them before, what makes you think it’ll be smooth-sailing now? When we can accept their behavior as “it is what it is”, our disappointment will automatically diminish. This is not something that can be accomplished overnight of course, so get ready to be your own source of strength throughout these times and find support elsewhere.
2. Prepare to become your own resource centre: mentally, emotionally, physically, and even financially (if possible). No one should be left to hold their own hand through a global pandemic, but self-reliance is crucial (especially if you’re surrounded by those who dismiss the severity of what’s happening, or laugh it off entirely.) Your fears are valid right now, so prepare to cater to your own needs. To start, consider the following:
- If you start getting hungry and there’s no food left in the pantry- Do you have the finances for food delivery or your own groceries? Do you know of anyone that can leave canned goods at your front door? Make a list of contacts that you know you can reach out to.
- What hospital or clinic is the closest to you? Do you have a safe, reliable means of commuting there? Look into the healthcare providers that are offering online or telephone support for Covid-19 symptom checkups.
- In case of intensive anxiety or panic attacks- do you know your local helplines? Do you have the finances for professional, online therapy (such as Talkspace or BetterHelp)? Is there a close friend or relative you can call for emotional support? Create a master-list of both professional and personal contacts you feel safe in connecting with.
3. Create your own safe space: If you can stay in your bedroom or a separate spot within the house, do so. Spend time dolling up the area so that you feel comfortable and truly at ease in this space. Know that it’s okay to stay in your room for a majority of the time, if that’s where you feel best. (Don’t forget to stretch, walk around or exercise from time to time).
4. Feeling alone? Funnily enough, it actually helps to watch youtubers talk about their experience with narcissistic parents, or read reddit threads of others facing the same struggle. It’s a form of catharsis- looking into others’ pain helps us relieve, release, and ultimately heal our own. If anything, it’ll help in realizing that you’re not entirely alone in all of this.
Other Things You Can Do That are Within Your Control:
- A healthy means of escapism: If you can’t physically distance yourself from them, distance yourself psychologically. I’m not talking about drinking your sorrows away — there are definitely safer ways of “escaping” from your current reality when it’s too overwhelming to bear. Maybe a virtual Netflix session with a few select friends, watching a binge-worthy series that can make you laugh (Brooklyn-99 never fails me), reading a childhood comic book, facetiming with a faraway relative, painting, re-learning the guitar— the choice is yours, as you know yourself best. What can put you in a different spot both mentally and emotionally?
- Note: Meditation is my personal suggestion, though I know it’s not everyone’s favourite. However, meditation truly does have it’s credited use as a healthy approach, while getting you to sit with your emotionality. You can always try starting with guided meditations (apps like Headspace and the youtube channel “Joe-T Hypnotic Labs” have plenty).
2. Parent yourself: Give yourself and your immune system a fighting chance. Make sure you’re eating well and on time, staying at home, getting enough sleep, monitoring your own body for symptoms, and exercising hygiene with high-maintenance.
3. React wisely, and keep the interactions short and sweet: You absolutely cannot control or change the way they act towards you, but you can control the way you respond back to them.
It’ll be difficult but for the time being, try speaking agreeably. When responding back to them, give replies like “sure!”, “yes, you’re right”, “yea, that’s true” or any response you know they’d like or want to hear. It’ll at least keep conflict to a minimum, as there’s only so much they can fight you back on if you dial back and just agree with them. It may seem like you’re backing down in cowardice, but there’s nothing cowardly about wanting to protect your peace.
4. Look busy and important: If you have online classes, work-from-home to do or free courses you’re currently taking online- look busy with it. If they ask, it’ll give you a solid excuse as to why you’re not interacting with them, while genuinely keeping you busy. If you do have to momentarily enter the same room or space as them, walk around with earphones plugged in or a book hovering beneath your nose, to illustrate that you’re not available to talk.
- (For those of you interested in free online courses, do check out Yale’s free course on wellbeing and mental health, and platforms such as edX and Skillshare).
5. Fix a play-date: Be sure to get some source of nurturing contact during this time, especially if you feel disconnected and emotionally isolated from someone you’re quarantined with. Try connecting with other individuals within your home that you do feel comforted by (such as a sibling). If this is not possible for you, you can always spend time virtually with your socially-distanced friends, mentors or relatives.
6. What’s your Plan B? If all fails- where can you go? Do you know of any mentors, friends, family, or neighbors that you could trust in, and that would welcome you into their home? If not, are there any services nearby that could provide you with safe housing and supplies? What do you plan on doing after the quarantine is lifted? Take the time to map out the possibilities and a back-up plan.
Although it isn’t easy, thank you for still choosing to remain indoors. And every now and then, I hope you find the time to remind yourself: “this too shall pass.”
Stay safe.
