Quarantine Mom and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

After Judith Viorst’s incomparable Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

I went to sleep with wine on my nightstand and now there’s wine in my hair and when I got out of bed this morning I tripped over the Playmobil firetruck and by mistake I dropped my phone in the sink while I was scrolling Twitter and I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

At breakfast my son found his Ninjago Lego under his chair and my other son found a magnatile under his chair but all I found under my chair was an old string cheese.

I think I’ll go outside.

In Google Classroom, Mrs. Dickens liked Eleanor’s math worksheet more than my son’s math worksheet. Who needs a ten frame anyway? What is a ten frame? I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

I could tell because my oldest son said I wasn’t his best friend anymore. He said Liv was his best friend and Luca was his second best friend and that I was just his mother.

I hope you learn to make your own sandwiches, I said to my son. I hope the next time you have a sticky hand, the sticky part touches the rug and then the dog and gets completely unsticky. It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

That’s what it was, because after lunch my husband had a Zoom conference call and while he was dialing in the toddler started shrieking that he wanted more fruit snacks and the big kid decided to take his scooter for a ride around the apartment and he ran over my toe and then when I started yelling because of the shrieking and the bruised toe my husband’s call connected and he started shushing me for making noise and also for not having pants on.

I am having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day, I told everybody. My husband muted his mic.

So then we went to the boys’ room to play dress up. The big kid chose a Batman suit with dragon wings and the toddler chose a mermaid tail with a construction hat and I chose a wizard’s cape with an Elsa wig but then the toddler said, No, mine. They made me swap my wizard’s cape for a sheriff’s badge and my Elsa wig for cat ears but they can’t make me wear them.

When we went back into the living room where my husband set up his office he said not to touch anything on his desk, but the desk is also our dining room table so I forgot. He also said to watch out for his papers and I was careful as could be except that I gave the toddler some markers. He said don’t fool around with the monitor but I think I set up Disney+. My husband asked us to leave his office. Yeah, I said, I’ll just take everyone outside.

It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

There was Blippi on TV and I hate Blippi. There was food for dinner and I hate cooking.

The kids’ bath was too hot, I got soap in everyone’s eyes, the Beyblade went down the drain, and I had to wear my sea-foam green leggings. I hate my sea-foam green leggings.

When I went to bed my husband hogged the covers and my book light wasn’t charged and when I got up to pee I stubbed my toe.

The big kid wants to sleep with me again. Always.

It has been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

I FaceTimed my mom from the bathroom and she says some days are like that.

Even outside.