Summary

The author, Gaby, has succumbed to the challenges of quarantine, acknowledging her inability to maintain productivity and routine, and has decided to operate in 'safe mode' by focusing on essential activities.

Abstract

Gaby, an autistic high-school teacher who thrives on routine, has found herself overwhelmed by the disruptions caused by quarantine. Despite initial optimism about using the time to tackle long-postponed projects and ambitious schemes, the unpredictability of her new responsibilities, such as managing all outside chores for her family, has made it impossible to establish a consistent routine. The loss of structured time from her teaching job and the blurring of day-to-day life have led to a decrease in her productivity. Confronted with the reality of her situation and the impact of Parkinson's Law, Gaby has chosen to adjust her expectations. She now prioritizes essential tasks, self-care, and writing, while accepting that her previous goals may no longer be attainable in the current circumstances.

Opinions

Gaby expresses a love for routines and the sense of liberation they provide, indicating a strong preference for structure and predictability in her life.
She admits to feeling like a fool for believing she could maintain full control over her time during quarantine, suggesting a sense of self-reproach for her initial optimism.
Gaby misses her pre-quarantine routines, which included a balanced mix of personal and professional activities, and she laments the loss of her free period which was crucial for her focus and productivity.
She acknowledges the difficulty in creating new routines due to the constant interruptions and the application of Parkinson's Law during quarantine.
Gaby feels guilty for not meeting her high expectations for productivity during quarantine, revealing a struggle with self-compassion and the pressure to be highly productive.
She recognizes that she is not alone in her struggle, as friends and others in her social circle also report feeling unproductive and like failures for not completing massive projects.
Despite her empathy for others, Gaby is critical of herself, engaging in harsh self-talk and setting unrealistic goals, which has led to her decision to switch to 'safe mode'.
In 'safe mode', Gaby plans to focus on the bare essentials to maintain her well-being and that of her family, while also preserving her passion for writing.
She rejects the notion of comparing her productivity to others during this time, emphasizing the importance of acknowledging individual challenges and skills.
Gaby concludes with a surrender to her current limitations, expressing a willingness to learn and adapt, and a commitment to appreciate small victories amidst her challenges.

Quarantine Has Defeated Me

From now on, I operate in safe mode

It was about time I surrendered.

Quarantine has defeated me. And it wasn’t even a close match.

I honestly thought this was going to be an opportunity to catch up on long-postponed projects, and hit the pedal on my most grandiose schemes.

I figured if I planned my days carefully, then I would achieve all of my goals. I knew that, if I only tried hard enough, there would be no limits to my accomplishments.

What a fool!

Systems

Here’s a fun fact about me: I’m an autistic person who loves routines. I find it incredibly liberating to know what’s going to happen, when it’s going to take place and who is going to be involved.

Whenever my systems get disrupted, I struggle a bit to adjust.

Throughout the years, I have developed a sort of mental muscle that allows me to adapt to changes. Still, when I overuse it, I get exhausted.

That’s where I screwed up: I allowed myself to believe that, during quarantine, I was going to be in full control of my time.

Reality had other plans, of course. She always does.

I miss my routines

In the pre-quarantine world, I used to wake up around 6 am, exercise, do a bit of housework, cook, and then go to work.

I’m a high-school teacher. The great advantage is that I get to have a free period every day. I would sit in the teachers’ lounge, put on my headphones to listen to some binaural beats track, and then read or write, ignoring everything and everyone around me.

Then, I would teach a few more classes. After that, work would be over, and I would get back home to my family, catch some sleep…and the next day, everything would happen again.

I know this sounds damn boring. Maybe it was. But, above all, it was a structured way to use my time.

What’s going to happen today?

In my household, I’m the person in charge of all outside chores. Meaning, my 12-year old son can’t go grocery shopping, obviously. And my 61-year-old husband who has cancer can’t get out of the house either.

So…

If we run out of dog food, I have to get it. My husband needs his medication? It’s up to me to pick it up. Grocery shopping?

Yep, you guessed it right! That’s my job too!

I have done my best to get merchandise delivered to our home as much as possible, but I live in a semi-rural area in a Mexican border town. Not everybody is willing to bring stuff here.

And let’s not forget that, although I don’t have to drive to school to work, I still have to teach. I have been drowning in Google Classroom notifications and emails, and every single one of my students needs me to reply ASAP.

As a consequence, I have found myself incapable of creating any sort of routine. I have tried, of course, but there’s always something that comes up and messes the whole thing up.

But that’s not all…enter Parkinson’s Law.

The blessing of deadlines.

Cyril Northcote Parkinson was a British writer. In an essay published in 1955, he explained that:

“It is a commonplace observation that work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion.”

In other words, if you have to declutter your closet and you know you only have 1 hour to do it, you’ll find the way to get the task done. But, if you have no time limit, you’ll somehow manage to drag things all day long.

Or, as in my case, when I knew I only had one free period to finish a blog post, I would develop a laser-like focus and get it done. There was no stopping me. However, now that the concept of time has become pretty much meaningless, I’m struggling to finish my tasks.

A recipe for disaster.

And that’s why I’m so screwed up. I have no reliable routine because I don’t know when I will have “me” time. And, since it feels like days last forever, whenever I try to tackle an activity, my focus comes on and off.

It’s the most bizarre thing: my quarantine days have been slipping through my hands, and I feel powerless to stop them.

Worst of all, I feel guilty.

A confession

When it was announced we all were going to stay home for a long time, I assumed I was going to get a lot of shit done.

“I’m going to get started with my novel! And that podcast I have wanted to do! And I’m going to publish a new blog post every day!”

Silly, silly, Gaby…

Once I noticed I hadn’t turned into a productivity beast, I started to feel like crap.

“I haven’t started my novel. That podcast is not going to record itself. And I’m publishing even less frequently than when I had to go to work.”

The curious thing? I have stayed in touch with some people through social media, and it looks like I’m not the only one struggling to get stuff done. Some of my friends say they feel like failures because they are not finishing the massive projects they set up to accomplish.

I find it funny how, whenever I hear this, I’m quick to offer all of my support: “Hey, don’t be so hard on yourself! You are doing the best you can. Don’t give up, but take it one step at a time. You are not a robot.”

Yeah, I’m very good at offering kind words to others. However, when it comes to me, I have nothing but harsh comments and a shitload of judgment.

Safe Mode

I wish I could tell you I have learned to be kinder to myself, and that I’m not so keen on destroying my self-esteem with negative self-talk.

That’s not the case.

A part of my brain insists on creating unrealistic to-do lists supposed to take my performance to the next level.

Therefore, I have decided that, from now on and until further notice, I will operate in safe mode.

What do I mean? Well, I will focus only on essential activities, the ones that need to be done so my little world doesn’t go to hell plus a few luxuries I think will benefit me in the long term.

I know I have to be in charge of anything involving an excursion into the outside world — and there’s nothing I can do to change that. And I have to keep up with my day job, you know, the one that pays the bills and puts food on the table.

Besides, I have to exercise to maintain a healthy body and mind, and I must write every day, even if I don’t always hit the publish button. Those are my minimum viable iterations, the non-negotiable stuff in my life.

Everything else is a plus. If this week I manage to do some research into how to start a podcast, that will be a huge victory. If I get to declutter a closet, I’ll throw a party.

At the moment, the best way to get my shit together is to surrender. To learn from the failures and reconsider my whole strategy.

I’m not giving up on life, nor do I have any desire to drown in mediocrity. But I am getting rid of the idea that I’m some sort of superhuman who will have ten books under her belt by the time this whole thing is over.

There are people out there who are crushing this thing. They are ticking project after project. I’m very happy for them. I truly am. However, if I keep comparing my experience to theirs, I’m going to drive myself crazy. I must remember each person faces different challenges and has different skills.

I might be a fool, but I’m a fool willing to learn. There’s still the chance that I might get to crack my way out of this safe mode setting but, if I don’t, I’m going to have to be okay with it.

I hereby acknowledge my defeat: shit has hit the fan, and The Quarantine has bested me! I will shut down non-essential operations and count my losses. As I manage to keep going, I will be grateful for every small win I get to have.

Cheers to my new system!