Quarantine doesn’t stop Heartbreak
I didn’t step into quarantine with a boyfriend. That’s not to say I wasn’t seeing people I just wasn’t settling with anyone. Like many people in the early stages of dating I was still in the process of getting to know my partner, going on dates, having fun. But not in exclusivity.
It wasn’t a problem. Or at least I didn’t think it was. I’ve never had any issues with my partners dating around before we’ve committed. In my books there’s dating and then there’s exclusivity — they aren’t the same.
Going into quarantine I wasn’t really thinking about my dating life. Let’s get real, the world is on fire and finding someone I’m not seeing in real life isn’t a priority. Don’t get me wrong, I was still seeing people, and the dates were cute and fun.
But my heart wasn’t into it — I was just occupying my time. None of those relationships went anywhere — neither of us were really invested and the stress of the world really emphasized the fact that we were just having fun. I get it, we all want stability in a world where nothing seems to be making sense.
Then there was Him
You can imagine my surprise when I found someone I really clicked with. He was a Tinder date so I wasn’t holding my breath, even my favorite conversationalists tended to only want someone to sleep with on that app. I mean I love someone willing to roll around the hay with but I’m out here trying to get someone to join my Animal Crossing village (or at least split my Nintendo family plan).
Anyway, we started off all casual, just remarking on how miserable the state of the world had gotten us. I know it sounds dull and repetitive because yeah, we’re all feeling it, but I like to see how people cope with it — emotional labor translates differently with everyone and even if there’s no right or wrong answer, understanding how you fit into someone else’s coping methods works wonders for a potential relationship. Somehow the threat of the world’s demise allowed us to share many thoughts and ideas. I know trauma bonding is a thing but I’d rather have that bond then click with someone willing to drink mimosas all week because the world’s problems aren’t their problems.
Soon our talks started to shift to what we planned on doing when this was all over and even if it never really ended. I love someone who is willing to have long existential conversations with me — it’s all about picking apart your brain. When you can just pass along ideas that have no real way of becoming true it’s interesting to know the limits of our imagination.
In our joint fantasy life we’d grow up in concrete jungles because we didn’t know anything else. We had mini gardens because we’d try our best to be self sufficient but like any other first world couple the idea of actually letting go of all material wealth was unfathomable. I think the idea of going completely off-grid is an ideal I’d strive for but the reality seems beyond my grasp.
We’d put our efforts into more sustainable living where we could, no waste grocery stores and solar powered gadgets. We did what we could in this fantasy life. Talks like this were things to past the time, a form of escapism we both needed to ignore the rest of the world. And when we weren’t dreaming of a world that wasn’t we were talking about the claws of our present.
I’m stuck in a job that I haven’t been able to change since March of this year and he’s struggling with the idea of wanting more but not knowing how to get there. We’re both dreaming.
The one thing our fantasy life had that real life didn’t was each other.
When I say we talked, I mean we talked. I’d wake up to messages from him and I’d go to bed with a goodnight. It was almost a honeymoon stage but with someone I’d never actually met. We’d video messaged and had standing dates — sometimes we chatted, sometimes we’d just be in each other’s background. We wanted to meet but I see a lot of people throughout the day from my job and we didn’t want to risk it. Instead we did what we could and lived virtually with each other.
When things started to settle around us and places were we open we decided to finally meet. I was more nervous than I’d been in a long time. Maybe it was because quarantine had really made the idea of connecting with someone new such a foreign concept — it’s like stepping into a new school for the first time. My butterflies had butterflies. I was excited to meet someone I really wanted to see on my own terms without the constraints of work or grocery shopping.
It was the perfect date
He was funny, smart, and elusive in all my favorite ways. We shared a lot of interests but also weren’t afraid of our conflicting ideas either. We talked, and when we didn’t talk we relished in simply sharing the same space. The date itself wasn’t remarkable — it was dinner and a bit of a stroll. But I remember looking at him under a crappy park light and thinking he really was something special. It was almost too much like a movie but I didn’t find myself caring. Everyone wants a sweeping emotional relationship at least once in their lives. We ended the night on a high note and I went back home thinking I wanted nothing more than to see how this goes.
Too bad I was the only one
He didn’t message me back right away. I wasn’t concerned, I’m not the type to get bent out of shape about not hearing back from someone right away. Everyone has their lives and different priorities. I like my me time and my me time is best left alone with just me. In traditional date time fashion I waited a couple of days before messaging him. I’ve never really cared for the time restraints of ‘traditional dating’ so to speak but I know a lot of people do. I always assumed that time was less about seeming too eager and more so so you can collect your thoughts and reflect on whether it’s worth it to continue.
We’d been on one amazing date so of course we’d meet again. We spent enough time talking that dating was more of a formality. Right? Well, no. See, in my race to become codependent on the first interesting person of my quarantine life I failed to remember the regular rules of engagement. Just because you click, no one owes you shit until you’ve both agreed to meet each other half way. I was enamored and he was too but I was one of a few. Where I was anticipating his messages to break up the monotony of a stressful work week he was messaging me in between messaging other girls. I can’t fault him for that — we’ve met once and we hadn’t even touched the idea of exclusivity.
Unfortunately it hurt a bit more because he’d been thinking about it. He thought we had amazing chemistry but he was stuck on girl A and was really only holding out because I was a close runner up. He’d waited for when we met up to see if I’d go from B to A or if I was going to be demoted to recognition of participation. Whatever chemistry we had…it was great but not as much as he had with girl A. I was crushed.
I’d focused all my time and attention on him and he’d never been in the same boat. I’d become way too attached and he’d been testing the waters. You ever think you can hear your heart just break? It felt like that. My life may not have been falling apart but it wasn’t a great feeling either.
The first guy I’d met in a long time became just another guy
He asked to keep in contact because we did have so much in common. We loved the same books, the same movies, the same video games. But I couldn’t. I’d like to think I’m rather rational but irrationally I couldn’t help but be hurt for someone I was putting too much energy into. I told him it was best we didn’t. He didn’t understand and I didn’t want him to. I didn’t want a charity case and I didn’t want him to feel bad for something that was mostly on my end. I ended up blocking his number and tried my hardest to forget the dream that never was.