Putting the Odds in Your Favor When Choosing a Life Partner
An Honest Examination of How Your Dreams Matter
My dad always said, “Marriage is a crapshoot.” And when I asked my Mom how I would know who to marry, she said, “Oh, you’ll just know.” That was the relationship advice I received from my parents. They were passionate high school sweethearts, caught up in the drama and romance of World War II. Married in 1944 and divorced in 1960, the end of their story together was a war in itself.
I was six years old at the time of their divorce. And I have had two marriages that both ended in divorce. Added together, I was married for 30 years total. For the last ten years of being single, I often reflect on the mystery of marriage. In pondering my parents, other couples, and my own experiences, I think I can offer some relationship advice that may make a difference.
People who have failed at relationships (like myself) may have a different perspective than thriving couples. I have walked through the grief and darkness of divorce and hope I have gained more valuable wisdom than toxic cynicism.
Dreaming of the Future
We all like to imagine what our life with our future partner will be like. My mom had a very typical dream common to her generation. She wanted to have a pretty ordinary life, with a few kids and a loving husband. My dad, on the other hand, was very creative. His dream was to either invent something original or start a business to achieve great fame and wealth. There was no room for mediocracy in his life. (It’s so easy to fall for a charismatic dreamer!)
My folks were as opposite in personality as they come but could have avoided their discord if they just would have taken my advice! Ironically, I probably wouldn’t be here if they had. And my kids probably wouldn’t be here if I had acquired such knowledge 40 years ago. (Hmm, it makes me wonder if maturity and wise choices are not what mother nature had in mind.)
So, as an example, let’s take Bill and Mary. Bill wants to become a doctor and believes that Mary will sacrifice, continue working while he is in school, and delay having children because of her undying love for him. Mary might agree to this arrangement without considering the possibility that resentment may build up over time. Also, she might shelve her dreams for a very long time.
It would take Mary a considerable amount of honest self-examination before making such a demanding commitment. But in her deep adoration for Bill, this possibility is repressed because it might ruin her “dream come true” of spending her life with Bill.
In the romantic stage of a relationship, couples love to dream about the plethora of possibilities together, and the future feels limitless. There might be a shared belief that their love is strong enough to survive any storm. There may not be a lot of pragmatism regarding the joys and hardships of everyday life. And possibly more assumptions than honesty, especially honesty with one's deepest motives.
I plead guilty to one other strange phenomenon: Imagining that the future will be like fiction (movies, songs, stories}surrounding us every day. It was and still is so hard for me to visualize my future in terms of everyday life. For some bizarre reason, I thought that my reality would magically transform into some fairytale I had dreamed up after I said: “I do.”
If your life turns out better or worse than you thought it would, the reason might have more to do with your imagination than reality itself.
I think I have presented some great advice, but I’m pretty sure not many will heed it. For many of us, love may make us throw caution to the wind. Maybe my dad was right, marriage is a crapshoot. But I still profess that putting the odds in your favor might be something to consider.
