Summary

A life coach shares his journey of prioritizing family over career for the first time, marking a significant shift in his personal values and lifestyle at the age of 51.

Abstract

The author, a life coach, recounts a pivotal moment in his life where he chose to prioritize family commitments over his professional obligations, despite hosting a maxed-out self-confidence meetup. This decision, influenced by a bout of vertigo and the realization of his past neglect of family for career and church duties, reflects a broader transformation in his life. He attributes his change from a career-centric to a family-first mindset to adopting an experimental approach to personal development, emphasizing curiosity and fun. The article serves as a testament to the possibility of personal growth and identity change, encouraging readers to undertake their own experiments in self-improvement.

Opinions

The author acknowledges his previous identity as someone who prioritized career and achievements over family, suggesting a common issue among professionals.
He believes that understanding the root causes of one's behavior is not as crucial as the willingness to change, challenging the notion that extensive self-analysis is necessary for personal growth.
The author promotes the idea that change is achievable at any age, using his own experience as evidence that "old dogs can learn new tricks."
He advocates for an experimental mindset, characterized by curiosity and enjoyment, as a key strategy for achieving personal goals and transforming one's life.
The author emphasizes the importance of persistent, intentional effort in personal development, as opposed to setting specific resolutions.
He introduces the concept of applying "gentle pressure" through small, consistent experiments to foster significant life changes over time.
The article concludes with a motivational call to action, inviting readers to consider their own personal experiments for the upcoming year.

PERSONAL | SELF IMPROVEMENT

Putting Family Before Career, for the First Time

It only took me half a century (which is still better than a century)

For the first 51 years of my life, I rarely had these kinds of moments because a) work took precedence over family and b) I don’t own shoes like this. Photo by Daiga Ellaby on Unsplash

Today was the first time that:

I put family ahead of work.

It’s only taken me 51 years. And, thanks to my long-suffering wife, just one marriage.

The decision

I woke up with my long-time nemesis: vertigo.

I lay down to settle my dizziness. But I wasn’t at 100 percent.

I had a decision to make.

I could get more rest so I could make sure I was at 100 percent when I hosted my “Practice Self-Confidence Meetup” later that afternoon. This is one of the ways I meet new people as a life coach and I was psyched that attendance was maxed out. This was the career option.

I could skip the extra rest and help my family by shopping for groceries and taking my three year-old to play time. And hopefully I could still host my Meetup if I wasn’t worn down. This was the family option.

I chose the family option, and I didn’t even blink.

This might seem like a no brainer to you, but I’m not and never have been a family-first person. More on that later. Back to the narrative.

Driving was fine. Shopping was fine. But during my son’s activity, I started feeling queasy. Vertigo hadn’t forgotten about me.

I propped myself in the corner, mumbled things to my son, and put up my hood to discourage strangers from talking to me (in case the mumbling didn’t deter them).

By the time I got home, I had a hard time standing up.

I chucked my son to my wife, canceled my Meetup, and curled up in bed.

Even though I was bed-ridden in the afternoon, I was comforted knowing that at least I had made the right decision that morning.

This decision was a long time coming

For the first 51 years of my life, I based my identity and self-worth in my achievements — first in school, then in my career. Even in church wherein I held leadership positions.

I tended to stay late at work. I knew how to succeed at work far better than at home. I loved my wife and kids but household responsibilities were foreign territory.

And when I was home, I often chose to spend time away from my family, doing things like watching football or fulfilling church duties.

I have theories as to why I favored career and church over family. I may not have been emotionally attached to my parents at a young age. And I was self-absorbed.

Does it matter? I don’t think so. I don’t think you necessarily need to know root causes to start changing your life.

What matters is that old dogs can learn new tricks.

But old dogs can’t learn new tricks with the same mindset.

It’s a good thing I’m not a dog.

It’s hard to type with paws.

What’s in it for you?

I’m proof that you can change identities.

I changed from a career-first to a family-first person.

You can, too (or become whoever you want to be).

It doesn’t take a huge effort. But it does require a persistent, intentional effort. That’s it.

I applied gentle pressure using an experimental mindset I adopted at the beginning of 2023. Instead of setting specific New Year’s resolutions, I made it a goal to conduct a certain number (six) of experiments that would improve my personal life.

Four of the six experiments were focused on improving my relationship with my wife. One of those, for example, was to give her a back scratch every day.

Then I did it.

It doesn’t matter what your experiments are as long as you keep trying them, learning what works, and then incorporating that feedback.

Keys to an experimental mindset

Here are two keys to an experimental mindset and why they will help you achieve your goals:

The basis of an experimental mindset is Curiosity. It’s an emotion that motivates without tying you down to a result. I start each experiment with “What would happen if….?” Example: “What would happen if I gave my wife a back scratch every night?”
Have fun. If you’re not having fun, why do it? Plus, anything you do must be sustainable. It doesn’t mean it won’t be work or hard. Fun means it excites me, instills pride in me, and it increases my capability.

Once I decided to do something about my attitude towards my family, it took me 10 months to change.

That might seem slow, especially when you’re in the middle of the process, but slow is always better than never.

How many people say they’re going to change and then don’t?

You don’t have to fall into that trap of hypocrisy.

In conclusion, remember this phrase I came up with to wrap up the message of this article:

With intentionality comes inevitability.

Your turn

As we head into a new year, what’s one experiment you want to try?

Stuck in your career?

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