RUSSIAN DOLLS PERFORM

Putin’s Performance at the Polls Was Predicted, But His Concert Was Not

The Primo President sang “I Feel Pretty” from West Side Story and tap danced into 6 more years

After quashing dissent and disappearing campaign rivals, the Russian leader was elected to another “6 years, famine, or a million dead — whichever comes last” term. This makes his quarter-century reign of twisted tyranny nearly as intractable as the anxiety his “special military operation” in Ukraine brings to former Soviet Bloc countries.

Knowing the results were a foregone conclusion, yet still stinging from the public’s interest in the death and funeral of rival Alexei Navalny, Putin decided to put on a show.

Putin Puttin’ on the Blitz Ritz

Putin opened with a special performance of Puttin on the Ritz.

It’s widely known Putin views the collapse of the former Soviet Union as the worst debacle in Russia’s history. As a young KGB agent, Vladimir Putin was determined to collect and keep compromising information he could later leverage. If his bottle cap collection had been applauded, Europe and Eurasia would have developed much differently.

From 1985 to 1990, he served in Dresden, East Germany, using a cover identity as a translator. While posted in Dresden, Putin worked as one of the KGB’s liaison officers to the Stasi secret police.

According to Putin’s official biography, during the fall of the Berlin Wall that began on 9 November 1989, he saved the files of the Soviet Cultural Center (House of Friendship) and of the KGB villa in Dresden for the official authorities of the would-be united Germany to prevent demonstrators, including KGB and Stasi agents, from obtaining and destroying them.

What he “saved” is in dispute, as he proudly boasts of selectively burning files at his own discretion. Chances are, he didn’t store the files in a bathroom at Mar-a-lotsov-Demonstrators.

The ambitious upstart was cagey and shrewd like a stunted weasel. Putin is called a short king at 5' 7", not physically intimidating. So, he cultivated psychological terror tactics while collaborating with tough-guy buddies turned accident-prone critics. Yevgeny Prigozhin, an ex-convict, longtime pal, and “Putin’s Chef” turned military commander, is a prime example.

Putin agrees to an unlikely reprieve for an ally now considered a traitor. The two men’s past will likely not save the Wagner Group’s leader from the Russian President’s usual acts of revenge. Those who undermine Putin normally don’t live freely, if at all.

Putin has reportedly been fearful of becoming a dictator ousted and killed by armed rebellions such as Libya’s Omar Quaddafy or Iraq’s Saddam Hussein. Despite calling the armed rebellion by Prigozhin a betrayal on the level of the 1917 Russian Revolution and his vow to punish its leaders, Belarusian President Alexander Lukashenko said he had negotiated a deal with Prigozhin after previously discussing the issue with Russian President Vladimir Putin.

I wrote that piece in June 2023. The Carnegie Endowment’s explanation for why Yevgeny Prigozhin had to die reiterates traitors pay the ultimate price. “They got him in the end.” Prigozhin’s plane blew up two months after his tyranny tantrum, killing all 8 onboard.

Vladimir likes to compete and hopes to play with the Lakers pro basketball player who shares his nickname — 7' 1" Vlade Divac. But, he’d form Vlade’s team with miniature poodles and place the basket on the ground.

Hold that image when considering Putin’s approved political opponents.

When Putin sang “Let’s be friends,” everyone ran

Many prominent Putin critics meet suspicious deaths, often officially ruled suicide, accidental, or natural causes.

They naturally attract bullets, poisons, and explosives they’re allergic to.

• Alexei Navalny — “natural causes” in an Arctic penal colony 2024. Poisoned with novichok previously, Navalny was a vocal critic and political opponent. His prison term was extended repeatedly following an insult and refusal to die quietly.
• Alexander Litvinenko — plutonium poisoning 2006, former FSB. When you’ve run with spies and killers, it’s best to make new friends who are accountants or actuaries.
• Sergei Skripal — attempted poisoning 2018, former Russian military intelligence officer, novichok killed bystander. Opening a bookstore might have helped him — “Skripal’s Scripts” sounds good.
• Boris Nemtsov — 2015 shooting, political rival and deputy prime minister under former President Boris Yeltsin. Nemtsov should have made crackers for cosmonauts.
• Anna Politkovskaya — 2006 shooting, prominent journalist critical of Putin. Her death effectively intimidated other reporters. Needlework could have kept those typing fingers safe and limber.

Suspicious deaths are common among Putin frenemies. Russian oligarchs who displease the tap-dancing, poison-and-weapon-juggling Putin tend to fall from high balconies, hang themselves while tied up, and sleepwalk into bad neighborhoods and rivers.

Dozens of suspicious deaths of Russian businesspeople have occurred since 2022. Military leaders, aides, and perceived threats have unique and permanent retire-without-care programs. It’s usually left up to their relatives to retrieve their bodies and bury them, but the Kremlin may attempt to control the afterlife as well, as they did with Navalny.

Putin addressed the afterlife during his concert, singing along with Johnny Cash’s Put Your Hand in the Hand. But, he changed the lyrics a bit.

The Russian President isn’t stupid. It wasn’t an accident he chose Johnny Cash, a popular singer who produced the album Folsom Prison Blues. Punishment, Prison, and Oppression are tunes Putin whistles as he works.

Putin reminds his subjects of this often.

Knowing he should appeal to a wide audience, he next stole BB King’s 1972 Thanksgiving performance at New York’s Ossining Prison, aka Sing Sing.

Putin sang along with nervous BB King, who appeared a year after the Attica prison slaughter of 42 inmates and guards. Putin changed a word.

The audience clapped back

As journalist Anna Politkovskaya’s death shows, Freedom of the Press and Free Speech aren’t big in Russia. But, there are no specific laws against whistling, dancing, and singing.

Still, when the audience performed the zombie dance from Michael Jackson’s Thriller, it seemed a little out of place.

As the audience clapped out of time, listeners recognized the Thompson Twins’ Lies, Lies, Lies! tempo.

What’s next on Putin’s Hit Parade?

The Russian people elected Putin, though there’s speculation over voter freedom of choice, and how valid the results are. Russian friends tell me fear and intimidation are as prevalent as bribes, kickbacks, blackmail, and corruption. Paranoia over being watched and reported to authorities is a regular part of life as neighbors and contacts try to gain favor with the authorities.

“My neighbor wore a mask!” is good enough for the FSB, even during Covid.

Candidates with the potential to embarrass Putin were not permitted to run. Davankov and Nikolai Kharitonov missed their height-reduction appointments before the staged photo was taken, but won’t likely be seen in public again. When they are, they’ll likely be in short caskets.

Aleksei Navalny was the most popular critic of Putin. The timing of his death was suspicious after Putin gave a much-panned interview to Trucker the Crawler’s son and said he preferred “predictable and rational” Biden over Trump as the next President.

Insane recognizes insane.

It was a good time for a distraction. Most would assume there was adequate time for Russian citizens opposed to the Ukraine war, such as Navalny, to calm down before the upcoming election.

Purging the opposition is an effective way to silence an annoying message.

Medium meta writers know this.

As was predicted and worried over, the perfunctory rubber-stamp election win was followed by a celebration of the 10-year anniversary of Russia “annexing Crimea” and a commitment by Putin to continue his aggression.

Getting beat up is bad, but to be annexed is far more serious. (See previous comment about long bodies fitting in small caskets.)

The display of nationalistic fervor came as the capstone of a three-day election whose foregone conclusion prompted comparisons of Mr. Putin’s Russia to other authoritarian dictatorships. On Sunday night, the state news swiftly declared that he had won more than 87 percent of the vote.

The communist candidate, whom the Russian authorities called the second-place finisher, with just over 4 percent of the vote, praised Mr. Putin for bringing Crimea back to “home port.”

Russia is known for its effective use of propaganda and misinformation.

Donald Trump and Elon Musk are learning from the best.

Many who attended Putin’s Potemkin Parade and Fans of Fascism Festival parroted the notion that Russia must reclaim Ukraine, saying England and America want to “break Russia up into little colonies.” And use them as miniature golf courses.

Russians are convinced NATO members are the aggressors and the driving force behind their problems.

We need to apologize for McDonald’s and Starbucks franchises.

For many Russians, the big worry now is of another military draft, as Mr. Putin doubles down on his invasion.

Despite being a signatory, Russia doesn’t observe the Geneva Convention requirement for combatants to wear identifiable insignia and uniforms. When Russia invaded Crimea, Putin insisted the green-clad soldiers and unidentified tanks weren’t his. He denied preparations and the start of the invasions into Ukraine in 2014 and 2022.

“Tanks? Nyet, tank you very much!” Putin told The West while humming “You Make Me Feel (Like a natural warlord). He tipped others off when the cold fish invoked West Side Story again. “The sharks are gonna have their way, tonight… The Jets are gonna have to play tonight…”

Away from the fighting, people joked about “little green men” possibly being extraterrestrials.

The 2014 alien landing started the Russo-Ukrainian War, responsible for approximately 14,000 deaths before the full-scale invasion in 2022.

On 27 February 2014, Russian special forces without insignia seized strategic sites across Crimea. Although Russia at first denied its military involvement, Putin later admitted that troops were deployed to “stand behind Crimea’s self-defence forces.”

But, “Crimea’s self-defence forces” was code for a stop sign.

The show-stopping finale needed no rewriting. Often referred to as “Every Stalker’s Anthem,” The Police’s Every Breath You Take fails to completely satisfy Putin without a countdown to the last breath.

Putin is a long-term strategist

The perfunctory election and accommodations made by allies to keep the Russian economy from collapsing, as well as Putin’s attempts to curtail uprisings demonstrate he still has an iron grip on power.

Perhaps without a steel grip on reality, he joked with the audience while threatening to juggle nukes.

“Hey! Wanna see what glows in the dark?” He’s still a kid at heart.

In March 2023, the International Criminal Court at the Hague issued an arrest warrant for Putin over war crimes against humanity. 123 member nations are required to arrest Putin should he visit. While Putin is now limited in his travels, allies who depend on Russia for the military and security support the Wagner Group provided under Yevgeny Prigozhin’s former command come to him. The Russia — Africa summit in July 2023 was originally slated for Africa. Attendance fell dramatically when It was moved to a country at war. Putin blamed this on US influence.

He recalled the move at his concert. “So I told them their place was too hot and I had a pool and better blow-up toys. Plus, our showers are golden!”

Since the criminal charges, Putin has traveled to China, touting a “no-limits” partnership, and Kyrgyzstan. Neither country is a member of the International Criminal Court, and both have financial and military incentives to continue keeping time with “mold-blue eyes.”

China’s President Xi is a bit uncomfortable with the “no limits” nuclear fallout crossing his border. Some suspect gift boxes of Tums may include “special ingredients.”

Those pesky special operations

Some speculate Putin is on medication for stomach cancer, which could explain some irrational troubling behavior.

But. I’ve been on those drugs before, and the worst I did was fill the laundry room with fumes when I couldn’t sleep for 3 days and thought using Rustoleum spray paint was less toxic than cleaners.

Putin should explore non-lethal arts and crafts.

The Ukraine war continues to threaten the export of grains grown in Ukraine, known as the “World’s Bread Basket.” Many of the crops and supply routes were booby-trapped with Russian-laid mines.

Putin explained the dietary restrictions are part of his new healthy keto diet plan for humanity. “Grains aren’t real plants. Chernobyl is a real plant, and we’re willing to hand it over as an initiation gift if you’d like to join our Boy Scouts troop!”

The New York Times reported in February 2024, “Hundreds of thousands of both Ukrainian and Russian soldiers have been wounded or killed since the start of Russia’s full-scale invasion, including tens of thousands last year in the battle for the eastern city of Bakhmut.”

While the reasons for the invasion are complex and disputed, the most rational explanation I’ve encountered involves access to shipping routes, a dwindling population of able-bodied men in Russia, and valuable resources beyond the border.

Putin told the crowd, “I’m a giver and a lover, not a taker and warlord. Because I love you, I want to give until it hurts. (you.) We’ve got lions and tigers and bears — Oh My! The Deliciously Dead Dissident — you like triple- D, yes? — he kept a few arctic penguins. We need more koalas, raccoon dogs, and marmots. China’s off limits for now, but I hear they’ve got tasty bats if you want animal protein.”

A few of the Fans of Fascism were skeptical.

“He may be imagining things like Madge¹. I heard he tore the wings off flies as a kid and called them walks,” Milena grumbled.

“Are those fireworks?” Milena’s brother was concerned.

“No, silly. They’re ‘meaningful dialogue’. Duck or you’ll fly too!”

Peter the Great, or Vlade the Grunt?

Putin compares his quest to rebuild the Soviet Union to Peter the Great.

I’m reminded of another couple of Peters.

Peter, Peter, Pumpkin eater, Had a wife but couldn’t keep her, Put her in a pumpkin shell, and there he kept her very well.

Peter, Peter, Potemkin Trump boss, Pretended his stooge was a bad loss, Put the orange marvel out to thaw, Holding Trump’s leash in his tight claw.

And,

If you rob Peter to stroke Vlade, Peter’s going to get pissed, Nobody likes a sore Peter.

Authors note: After looking at too many photos of Putin, I almost felt sorry for this human who rarely smiles. After recounting the death and destruction he’s brought to many, including bombing a maternity hospital, schools, a nuclear power station, and war crimes committed in the Bucha massacre, I got over it.

[1] Raine Lore made me laugh with her Madge tale. So, I stole her fly line. :)

Thanks for reading!

© Copyright 2024 Patricia Jeanne. AI had no part in this unless you hate it. Then, it was all AI’s fault.

Everything I know, I learned from my family.