Pushing My Lover Away to Save Myself

What’s best for you is what hurts you the most

BadMeds was quickly becoming more important to me than my real life.

Following up on our incredible night in his car in the rain, I only saw BadMeds once more. I had the chance to get away for the weekend to a city not far from where he works. It was a long drive but I was determined to go. My husband wanted to come with me but that wouldn’t work. I needed the alone time. Bad Meds was coming to my hotel overnight.

I had to make my husband feel like shit to get a night away, but I did it and managed to get my overnight with BadMeds.

That was the last time I saw him.

For some time, I’ve known that his schedule was insane. His life was not his own right now. Helping people was the focus. I get that.

Feeling selfish, I had to ask, “What about me? What about my needs?”

When BadMeds first reached out, he was always online. He was engaging and ready to talk. We spoke daily, often late into the night. He told me that for the right person, he’d be there. That he’d make the distance and timings work.

BadMeds: youre important to me. we’ll make it work.

Getting to know him and what he does, I discovered that his schedule was not forgiving. I don’t think I would have connected with him if I knew all the details. I would never see him. He already lived over an hour away and worked over two hours away. How could this work? Despite my misgivings, I trusted him and loved our connection.

Each time we met, he made my body sing. I laughed, felt joy and passion. Those things were sadly lacking in recent years. My marriage bed was lonely. This chat and affair were supposed to help with that. It wasn’t working.

Me: Hi baby. Message when you’re free…

Me: Hi Lover, having a good day? miss you..

Me: when can we meet? i’m willing to meet you halfway

Weeks passed without any progress.

Repeatedly, I tried to get a day planned, a coffee, car meet, or anything to see him in person. Thinking of him all the time, I felt more lonely than ever. He was the only man I wanted to chat with. This was starting to go in a direction I didn’t want.

I hadn’t felt like this in twenty years. Was I obsessing over him? I started imagining what our life would be like together. What if I was free? What if he was free? I hardly knew him but I wanted to take care of him so much. He was everything I admired in a man; smart, confident, caring, and loves others.

I was afraid that I was falling in love with him.

I had to shut this down. I couldn’t fall in love with him. He has a wife. I have a husband. It would ruin us both. No, I needed to remember why I wanted him in the first place. A man in my bed. I went back to Ashley Madison.

Distraction was required.

No shortage of men there. I had several in hours.

I quickly connected with Joker, an older man who was wickedly funny and smart. He had a view of life that was similar to my own. Talking with him was like telling a joke to myself. Not only was he wickedly funny, he was carnal and had a way of bringing up my beast very quickly.

Carnal and need was just what I wanted. No lovey feelings. Just body and physical deeds thru his dirty words.

Feelings are tricky things. They come back unwanted and unbidden. I felt guilt over talking with another man while my BadMeds was in the picture. I care very much about people and I didn’t want to hurt anyone.

I told Joker about BadMeds. I had no idea what I was doing or was going to do.

Joker saw everything that I explained clearly. He’s very intuitive. He told it back to me as he saw it. I saw it the same way but didn’t want to admit this to myself.

Joker: you’re falling for him. He’s not there for you. let him go.

I spent that night crying over a chat with Joker.

Joker: let me be the one you need. he’s not there for you. you know this.

Decision made.

The lyrics of Landslide were going thru my head when I pushed BadMeds away with this last message.

Me: Lover. these past few months have been amazing. you showed me passion I haven’t felt in forever. you engage my mind and i care so much about you.

Me: but..not being able to see you is killing me. I am lonelier than ever. I didn’t sign up to meet someone amazing and then never see them. I'm sorry but i can’t go on. I need someone in my life.

Lastly, I typed this with tears running my face.

Me: miss you. take care.

I signed out of the chat and had a restless night.

Early the next morning, he replied. He couldn’t argue with my words. His life really is not his own.

BadMeds: I’m saddened by your decision. I understand. I can’t change my life right now. I’ll miss you too. I care about you too. take care.

Lesson learned: when the affair stops being fun, you shut it down or you risk too much. It still hurts today.

Time to stop messing around. I need someone who adds to this empty cup.

Here’s more on my search for my glass slipper of a man. This encounter almost ended up with a broken heel.