Feeling Uncomfortable? Good. Use This Trigger to Expand Your Life
How to utilize any external event as a pathway to wisdom
I’ve been living abroad for over 10 years, and my parents remain across the ocean. When I last visited them over a year ago, it hit me that given our living arrangements, I might not see them that much before they pass. This thought emerged as something obvious: people get old, people die, and that includes my parents.
Until Covid-19 came up, and I felt in my heart that I might never see my parents again. On that day, as I was meditating, I was taken to sobs and tears. What was only on a mental level before, finally got embodied. It was a crucial shift that allowed me to get in touch with my real emotions; a shake that only happened because an event triggered something in me.
Good thing there are triggers.
One Person, Two Worlds
We live in two worlds. The inner world contains the likes of our dreams, beliefs, values, and feelings. Then there is the outside world, full of beauty, work to do, people to meet, and places to visit. The outside world is an infinite source of events, forever changing and triggering our inner worlds. Can we live based on our values when faced with adversity? Are we going to pursue our dreams when things don’t go our way? What are the limits of our love?
The inner and outer worlds are forever interacting with each other. When we act on our beliefs, we take actions on the outside world that will modify it. On its turn, the events on the outside world are forever triggering us, testing if our deeds follow our thoughts and words.
When I say trigger, I mean any event that takes place in the outside world and moves our inner world.
It does not need to be a big thing. It can be realizing I am upset about something my friend did. Having an uncomfortable conversation is a trigger, but so is simply realizing that my friend’s behavior upset something in me. Minor and major events alike are opportunities to dive deeper into what is happening within us.
The limitations of the inner world
Whether we like it or not, we all live in our own bubble, delimited by our mental models and self-imposed limitations. “I can’t do this, I will fail”, “I am not good enough”, “This is how it is”, “It’s not possible”, “I can’t possibly make a living from that”.
This bubble limits how joyous, creative, courageous, and abundant our lives can be. Most of the time, this bubble is invisible. In a way, we made it so by creating an outside world that is comfortable, convenient, and safe. Everything is just fine as it is… right?
However, every time we are triggered, the outside world shows us where the outline of the bubble is. It shows us when our hopes end and our fears begin.
Have you ever fought over the dishes?
Things are never about what they look like at first. It’s like when two people argue over and over again about who is doing the dishes. The trigger might be the dirty dishes, but the issue is never about the dishes only.
Say Jane has a need for feeling respected and the dirty dishes are a token for her of not feeling respected. As long as the real issue is not lifted, Jane remains triggered by the dishes. Not only that but “other issues” will be triggered by other events without her awareness of their connection. Jane is also upset with her friends about not consulting with her first about what they are doing on Friday night, and with her boss for not listening to her. The world will keep triggering her until she is conscious that this is all related and does something about it.
With all these things happening in her life, Jane might feel sad, angry, or whatever it is she feels. The question is not what she feels. The uncomfortable feeling arises to show her there is something moving that needs her attention. The real question is why is this feeling emerging.
“Because you haven’t done the dishes again” is the trigger, but not the reason. For all our annoyances in life, we can always dig a few layers deeper. If we don’t dig, we keep trapped in our bubble as it is. If we do the work, we have a chance of expanding the bubble.
“That seems a lot of work!” Yup, it is.
Expanding the Bubble
By working on these issues, we expand the bubble, so it no longer limits us to where we were. We now have more space, more expansion of being. We outgrow what was bringing us down. Sure, another limit will present itself when the chance is given. We can once again work on it, forever expanding our life, and removing all boundaries to how happy we can be.
This is an infinite journey, so the key is to do it with joy, patience, love. We are perfect as we are, and we need to grow; both are true. Again, no one is forced to work on expanding their bubble.
The thing is, we have worked very hard to make the outside world into a peaceful and supportive environment, which is of course great. But it camouflages the lack of peace within. Our comfort is confused with happiness, and self-realization is left aside. Any minor shift in the outside world is enough to show us the fragility (or lack thereof) of our inner foundations and authenticity.
Here are four points to consider when working with triggers.
Point 1: Expand, or contract
When we fail to do the work, we contract. Each time we stumble upon a limitation and don’t do anything about it, we confirm it and make it stronger in our minds. We believe in the limitation more and more as if it was an absolute truth. Additionally, we are repeatedly beaten down by the feelings that were signaling we had something to work on. It's like we are walking in circles.
So yes, it is hard work. So why do it? Because otherwise, we keep on suffering on and on for the same thing. We keep limiting ourselves. If we want more from life, we need to expand our self-imposed limitations. But hey, no one will make you do anything.
Point 2: The devil is in the details
As Jane's story points out, it is not about the dishes.
We pay too much attention to the plot, but the juicy stuff is in the subplots. It’s like watching Blade Runner 2049 and only seeing the adventure, the special effects, and the soundtrack. Nonetheless, hyper-capitalism, biomedicine, corporate power are all there for us to reflect on.
It is the same with our lives. Triggers are about the subplots and require some digging. It’s like going back to English class to discuss a book.
Too much noise acts as camouflage. But world peace is also camouflage. Everything is camouflage.
There are always things happening inside us that the outside can trigger. Even boredom is a trigger. The problem is, we rarely allow ourselves to go deep enough to find out. So we keep talking about dishes.
Point 3: Hell is other people
Picture a hermit, meditating inside a cave for years. Life is fine, peaceful, blissful. That hermit feels pure perfection. But who knows? Maybe this is the most selfish person ever. Alone, the hermit will never know whether they would share their possessions with joy or not. A second person is needed to create a situation, a trigger that shows us who we really are.
Most of our triggers come from social events. If hell is other people, it is because they do not allow us to hide from the work we have to do to live better lives. Action is the real test of our thoughts and words.
Fire can’t burn itself, a knife can’t cut itself. Without triggers, we don’t get to see ourselves.
We are each other’s mirror, we are each other’s salvation.
In a way, all the emotional training we do in mindfulness and other practices is put into test by the outside world through triggers.
Sometimes our so-called well-being is just camouflage. It’s back to the hermit in the cave.
Point 4: Tough love
The work of triggers is the work of love in the sense that they nurture us to grow. This is a love that is based on free-will and forces no one to do the work. You can stay just where you are, it is your call. It is your responsibility.
It is not full of softness and tenderness as we usually associate with love. But then again, is it love for a parent to allow a child to eat a whole gallon of ice cream? Love is not allowing everything and doing everything for someone else.
Whatsmore, working with triggers puts a lot of questions on our own self-love. Do we think our worth is so low that we are to keep having the same small discussions and being stuck in the same place in our lives?
It can be painful to see our true cards at times. If I tell myself I love myself, but feel down when someone calls me old, what is the issue there? How fragile is my self-love? A simple sentence can trigger us to reflect on how good we really are with ourselves.
Love can be firm. We are perfect as we are, and we need to grow. In a way, triggers are a blessing, because they show us exactly where we should put our attention. They bring clarity and focus. It is a matter of whether we want to listen or not.
Working with Triggers
Feelings are the first manifestation of triggers in our bodies. Are you feeling angry, upset, scared, anything? Contemplate the feeling, where does it come from, what is it telling you?
Dare to go deeper. Slow down, be silent, journal, contemplate, meditate, talk about it with someone you trust in ease.
Working with triggers requires us to witness what is going on within us, which means observe from a distance. It is like we are on a hunt: we are going after our own shadows; our disowned selves need to be embraced. Another beautiful side effect of witnessing is that, as we detach from what is, we are invited to consider what could be.
Self-love is key. This work is eternal, so don’t be a masochist. There is no limit to how much we can expand. But this does not mean you are going to lock yourself with the person you despise the most just to get triggered. To balance this, you can also make a note on the other end: what are the simple things that trigger your happiness? The beauty of nature. Gratitude for what you have and what you are. Let yourself be embraced by this joy. That’s the whole point. Many people don’t think they are worth being happier. As soon as they are filled with joy, they think about something bad and get themselves out of all that goodness. This is self-sabotage, and it is critical to notice: why am I feeling bad when I was just feeling so good? What is this saying about my beliefs of how worthy I am?
Once we grasp what has been triggered in us, the question is: what are we going to do about it? Are we going to take action to improve our situation, or are we going to get angry, blame the world and expect someone else to fix it for us? We can then engage in more honest conversations and talk about our real needs, what is really going on, instead of, say, the dishes.
In the case of our friend Jane, respect is a real human need. But when Jane needs it all the time, when everything triggers it, it shows her there is something out of balance. Something needs attention, healing, nurturing.
Triggers are a pathway to wisdom. The world is the ritual, provoking reactions in our inner self which allow us to grow, to heal, to transmute, to ascend.
When the crying for my parents on the other side of the world came, it wasn’t about fear; it was about love. I was taken to feel how much I love my parents. If this is what it takes for me to change my behaviors to be more loving, compassionate, and connected, to set more aligned and honest priorities in my life, so be it. I am grateful for realizing the importance of my parents in my life before they actually pass. Even from afar, there’s much I can improve in my relationship with them before they go. For that expansion in my being, I am grateful for what Covid-19 triggered in me.
Hi, I am Aline Ra M, spiritual guide, energy worker, and tea lover.
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