Pull and Push

Circling the prey

You may wish to read this prequel first. Or not.

All career moves are decided on a combination of push and pull factors, taking into consideration both the frustrations of the current role and the attractions of the new one. Either side can be made sufficiently compelling to overwhelm the other, but in general it’s the combination which wins people over.

So I keep both aspects in mind when tackling the JC project.

First, I ring around my usual agencies to test the market for a fairly lowly ranking computer auditor. An auditor, unfortunately, who has managed to attract a six figure annual aggregate of base pay and bonus, by dint of nothing more than sticking around in the same role for over ten years.

The picture is not encouraging. People with JC’s technical knowledge, and vastly greater interpersonal skills, typically command half this amount, so even a sideways shift to another firm seems unlikely. The nearest I can get to matching his current compensation is by getting him contractor rates for a temp to perm position in a computer security role, principally reviewing weblogs for compliance with the employing firm’s Use of Technology Policy.

Hmmm. I hold that thought, asking my agent friend not to progress any other candidates beyond preliminary stages until I get back to him.

Next to work on the push factors. Here I can have some fun. Because I know what times he frequents his S&M forum, I can lurk there at the same time. I start off in quiet fashion, jumping into the chatroom with an anonymous post.

— Hey Greenbelt, I got ur number

The rest of the exchange is quick and terse.

— What number and who r u

— the number is 257 …

— what the **** is that

— mid-section of your ip address… want me to post the rest?

— **** You, you ****ing ****er

He isn’t being coy. The chatroom software is set to auto-bleep certain offending words. I’m sure he didn’t type in asterisks. Nevertheless, he must be sufficiently rattled to send a private message to the room’s moderator, because in under a minute a message appears on the board, to the effect that, due to recent abuses, the ability to post anonymously has been revoked with immediate effect.

Next step is for me to infiltrate the group properly. I wait a few days, then apply for membership, citing a particular voyeuristic fetish and asking for a username of like2watch.

Once I’m set up, I lurk awhile, make a few innocuous comments and bide my time. I wait until a time when the room is busy and I know JC is present. I also know that a few of the others logged in have been given a roasting by JC at different times and may be up for what I have in mind.

Like2watch: anyone up for a game of Hangman?

Featheredfiend: only if I get to stuff an orange in someone’s mouth

Basingstonk: wot u got in mind like2watch

Like2watch: if this gets blocked, we continue by private mail, ok?

Featheredfiend: sounding better and better..

Tickleme: can I join in — what’s the plan?

Like2watch: normal Hangman game, revealing Greenbelt’s Real Life name

Like2watch: and place of work

Like2watch: _ _ _ / _ _ _ / _ _ _ _ — _ _ _ _ _ _ _ / _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Like2watch: Anyone want me to give them an A

Tickleme: Yeah, give me an A

Greenbelt: What the **** u doin like2watch?

Like2watch: _ A _ / _ A _ / _ _ _ _ — _ _ _ A _ _ _ / _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Butterfly69: Give me an E, likey

SugarDaddy: Slip me an N, mister

Like2watch: OK — few E’s for butterfly

Like2watch: _ A _ / _ A _ / _ _ _ _ — _ _ _ A _ _ E / _ _ _ _ _ E _ _

Greenbelt: **OFF TOPIC POST** — moderator –close this ****er down

Like2watch: And some N’s for Sugar

Like2watch: _ A _ / _ A _ / _ _ N _ — _ _ _ A N _ E / _ _ _ _ _ E _ _

Like2watch: leave private mail addresses here if I get squelched…

Moderator: that’s all for now folks

Moderator: Like2watch username suspended for off-topic posts

Tickleme: It was off-topic I guess

SugarDaddy: but it was fun, though

Butterfly69: Except for Greenbelt, heh, heh

SugarDaddy: Hey likey, if you’re still watching…

SugarDaddy: mail me at [email protected]

Tickleme: I’m [email protected]

Greenbelt: come on guys, lets not encourage him

Butterfly69: [email protected]

Greenbelt: **** you all, you ****ing bunch of ****ers

JC scuttles past my office five minutes later, heading home without even waiting for his complimentary car service. He doesn’t glance my way as he goes past, so he still hasn’t got the message that it’s an insider who has him lined up in the crosshairs. No hurry. Meanwhile, I lurk awhile longer in the chatroom, just for the fun of it. I have no intention of unmasking JC to his fellow pondlife, but he is not to know that. As far as he knows, it has already happened.

The chatroom continues to be entertaining. Most amusing to me, as always, is the idea that a group dedicated to the fearless exploration of the outer reaches of human degradation and cruelty can take umbrage over something as trivial as an off-topic post.

Truly is it said, in the land of my birth, that there’s nowt so queer as folk.

Many thanks for reading!

More to come soon from the land of toxic corporations.