Publishing My First Book at 74 is a Confusing Journey

What do you do when a dream comes true?

On October 30, 2022, I received an email from a publishing company where I had submitted a chapbook manuscript saying they would like to publish my book. A poetry chapbook called Not All Are Weeping.

This is a dream come true. Yet, I am still trying to figure out what to do with the information. What do you do when a dream comes true? I have to stop dreaming and take action. And then, what does it mean? How am I supposed to think about it? About myself? Is it real? Does it change anything about me? These are all questions I have been asking myself since I first learned, on Halloween last year, that Main Street Rag Publishing Company would publish my poetry chapbook.

At first, I responded with disbelief. This can’t be for real. Surely, someone has made a mistake and sent an acceptance to the wrong email. Once I ascertained that the email was meant for me, I asked myself why? I’m a new poet, practically unpublished, no one has heard of me, this was my first submission, etc. Then my catastrophizing got worse. Perhaps the editor had a quota for the month, and I was his last resort for October. Or worse yet, it was meant to keep me from sending my book anywhere else and effectively keep me in unpublished limbo with this single sentence:

I wanted to let you know that we are interested in publishing your book.

I am amazed that I didn’t miss this one sentence in my emails. No excess words, no praise, no gushing or oohing and aahing. No fondling this or that lovely turn of phrase or intelligent comment. Nor any condemnation. Just the dry facts, we are interested, etc. Followed by a complex contract to read and sign and send back. Then a whole list of obligations and rules about how to fulfill them, which seemed horribly out of order considering that I had not yet processed that first sentence. The one I almost missed as it slipped eel-like past my vision on email. The sentence that said I was now to be a published author instead of a wannabe poet.

I had to take a day or two to consult a few people and read the email several times aloud and under my breath to come to grips with reality. It reminded me of those first moments of denial after my mother died as I stood holding her cold feet and asking her over and over if she was really dead. Change is a hard thing for us humans. Our first response is to deny it.

Once I got past my denial, I began to tackle the list of chores. I had to find a professional quality headshot. I needed to write a short bio and find three people to write blurbs (short statements of approval, no more than 75 words) about my book. I had to come up with five possible images for the cover. Once the book cover was done, the publisher created an online author site for me and set up my book for pre-orders. Then I wrote to everyone I knew about the good news and the opportunity to purchase it at a pre-publication discount. I was given advice about how to promote the book from the publisher, along with suggestions for videos to watch about how to do all of this. I had to revitalize my website. And my social media presence -- whatever that is.

Next, I was asked to make a short video introducing myself and reading some of my poems. Here’s the link to the video. So far, all of this is coming together smoothly. The publisher gives directions, which are part of its normal process already. It has been relatively easy for me to do my part.

But since I have begun announcing my forthcoming book, I have been getting helpful suggestions from all sorts of places and people and have made a list of things I should do to promote my book. The list is now several pages long, and I am feeling overwhelmed.

And the book isn’t even near to being published yet. At that time, I can add a bunch of other tasks to my lists. To avoid becoming overwhelmed, I look at the list and pick one task to do every week. This week I stopped in a new bookstore nearby and learned they were interested in being a hub for poets in the area. Surprise. Maybe there are ways I can be involved in this. I bought a book. I seem to be buying a lot of books, joining groups and signing up for things. Sometimes I think about ditching my online presence and becoming a hermit. My husband would like that.

Another interesting development is the way others see me and how I respond to that. I am working on a book with a dear friend who is a visual artist. She and I have been collaborating on a book of images and poems centered around the seasons in Maine. We have been working on this for about 15 months and are giving it to friends and professionals for feedback. She was surprised recently when some of her friends were taken aback to learn she was working with “a published poet.” They looked at her work differently. It was a little unsettling to us both, I think. We have been friends for over 40 years, and here was a distinction that made us look at ourselves from an outsider’s viewpoint. I didn’t want my friend to see me differently. I made a point of showing her how small a chapbook is (meaning, there is not a big difference between this small book and nothing?) I didn’t want her to be put off because I was being published. It was a weird moment.

I don’t think I have taken on airs, but I am not sure about all the self-promotion. I know my family is uncomfortable around it. However, I am inordinately proud of this accomplishment, and it's hard for me to suppress my urge to jump up and down and shout out loud about it.

I remain surprised that the book’s acceptance happened five days after I submitted it. But I have been submitting poems to prestigious literary journals and contests and receiving rejections regularly for several years. I know there is an element of luck involved in any publication. I can’t control that, so I plan to focus on the things I can, like hard work, persistence, and a belief in myself.

My goal is to continue writing and learn to write better. I know I want to be published in top-tier publications. I don’t care about making money, this is not a career for creating wealth. But I do want to keep improving. I want just that one poem, that complex thought made accessible, that lovely turn of phrase that takes the reader’s breath away and makes them want to read it over and over, maybe write it down in the back of the book as I do. That is where I’m aiming.

Jean Anne Feldeisen, is a practicing psychotherapist, a wife, a mother, a grandmother, and a writer. Her poetry has been published in “The Hopper” and “Spank the Carp.” Her first poetry chapbook, Not All Are Weeping, is forthcoming from Main Street Rag Publishing Company in the spring of 2023. Follow her at jeanfeldeisen.com

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