Opinions about food
Public Service Announcement: We Don’t Want To See Shitty Pictures of Your Food
Unless you’re doing it right, which you are not. Even then, we don’t need this in our lives
Are you terrified by too many pictures of food as you scroll? Me too.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but we need to act collectively and stop sharing pictures of our food. It’s gross.
Do you know which pictures of food don’t look like shit? The studio-quality ones that are not actual food. You’ve seen the stories and videos of big marketing campaigns. They use clear acrylic ice cubes and fancy tricks to make their product look good. They spray mist on the glass or fill it with dry ice. They use eyeliner for grill marks on steaks.
Sometimes they use colored mashed potatoes in place of ice cream. Other times they use glue instead of milk for a bowl of cereal, or spray food with hairspray to make it look good. Yum. Professional photographers have all kinds of lighting and gimmicks to make pictures of food and beverages look appealing.
You, on the other hand, are sitting in an Applebee’s in New Jersey, having barely remembered to close Pornhub before opening your camera app. You have an iPhone 8 with a grease smudge on the camera lens and are trying to take a picture of your Whisky Bacon Burger under less-than-optimal lighting conditions. 🍔
Pics of fresh, raw, brightly-colored veggies after a light grilling? Yes. Pictures of last night’s Great Value California Style veggie mix nuked to within an inch of existence? No.
Food pictures are an interesting thing, though. I understand the appeal. When we’re hungry and are about to eat something delicious, it looks like the best thing on the planet. You want to savor the moment, and share it with others. Or maybe you want to make your ex jealous that your new love is taking you out to an actual restaurant instead of back to Applebee's for the third time this month, Jeff.
Seven minutes later, however, that same dish will turn against you. The food, which is now in a pool of gastric acid in your stomach, which you thought would look so appetizing in the photo, now transforms into a mistake for which you will hate yourself.
Hey, you know what would be great? A picture of this mistake that you can keep forever and ever. ❤️
The meaning of the photo has changed from something delightful to something disgusting.
Oh, Whisky Bacon Burger, how you have forsaken me.
Do you really want to share this with people?
Have you ever heard the expression “shit on a shingle”? That’s what most of your food pictures look like. And because I couldn’t quite remember what actual shit on a shingle was, I went the extra mile and did some research for you, dear reader.
Shit on a Shingle was a WWII invention. It was slang for creamed meat on toast. From Atlas Obscura:
The unofficial term — abbreviated as “S.O.S.” — became popular slang among American soldiers during World War II. It refers to “cream chipped beef on toast,” a dish that’s been featured in Army cookbooks for over 100 years.
Any creamed meat (shit) served on toast (shingle) could be referred to as S.O.S. The meal amassed many nicknames, including “Creamed Foreskins on Toast” and “Shit on a Raft,” depending upon the ingredients and division of soldiers eating it. But, despite a collection of unpalatable titles, creamed chipped beef is a relatively beloved wartime dish. Or at least not as hated as the name implies. — Source
Mmmm, creamed meat.
Now that I think of it, I dated a girl years ago that hated the word “cream.” She couldn’t say it at all. To try and avoid the word she replaced it with “ream,” which I informed her was much worse.
Still, is creamed beef worse than shit on a shingle?
All answers are wrong.
In all sincerity, you do you. Take pictures of your food and share them if you want. But don’t be surprised if our bile ducts kick into overdrive when we see your pictures.
The blame for today’s piece can be placed upon the shoulders of one Arpad Nagy, our resident foodie.
I’m having a blast writing stories these days. If you liked this nonsense, check out this thing to be inspired and this other thing to maybe snort-laugh.