Public Opinion or Self-criticism — What are you afraid of?

Maybe both.

In my opinion, it is one through the other.

Let me explain what I mean by that.

I am a writer and I try to write good articles. I am just good, not great. But, this is how I perceive myself. I don’t know if others see me as good or bad, great or worse, or just average.

Just because I know I am only good, I want to get better. Therefore, I am concerned with who I am and what I want to be.

At the same time, I am concerned that people may find out that I am just a good writer and then they will stop reading my blogs. I try to hide my insecurities and shortcomings because I don’t want people to find out who I really am, or how I see myself.

Do you know what’s funny? It is all subjective and speculative.

When I judge myself, I might be too harsh or too lenient on myself, mostly harsh. Since I am criticizing myself, my judgment is obviously clouded because I am emotionally invested in myself.

Similarly, when I ask someone else to judge me, to be my critic, they may try to be as objective as possible but at the end of the day, they don’t know you, or your life.

How can they possibly judge your whole life just like that? For that they must really know you, get emotionally connected to you but then we return to our first problem.

What I want to say is, it does not help you to be concerned about who you are or how others see you.

Does that mean never taking feedback?

Not exactly.

One of the factors for success and good growth is taking feedback and working on it without letting your emotions get in the way.

You will need feedback in your personal and professional life.

The trick is balance and common sense.

Of course, I mean that in a respectable way. You cannot ask a stranger or a person you just met for feedback, that won’t help you. Also, you cannot ask for vague feedback, e.g., an answer to “How am I doing?” will get you confused the same way your question confuses them. They don’t know what exactly you asked for.

Take feedback from people that actually know you (long-term friends or family) or have worked with you (your boss or colleague).

Then again, they need to be honest with you, not sugar-coat anything and spill it out (almost) unfiltered. They must share the good as well as the bad with you.

On the other hand, you need to be specific in your ask, have an open mind, listen to and understand both sides of the story, and rationally act on it.

You must have a clear goal as to what you wish to achieve with your feedback, otherwise, like any other talk, it will be forgotten and lost in the past. Consider your timing as well. Do not ask randomly and then stare at them for quick and crispy feedback.

Ask when their mind is free and then wait for them to get back to you. Give them time to think and let them know you are serious about your ask.

What about self-criticism?

We are our own cruel critics.

The first step to self-criticism is to understand the difference between self-care and being too self-critical.

Anything that affects your daily life and mental health can be considered too self-critical. According to Good Therapy:

Self-criticism is typically experienced as negative internal thoughts about one’s self or, more specifically, about one’s behaviors or attributes.

Consider the following statements:

• ‘I am not worthy.’
• ‘I could never be better.’
• ‘I’ll never change.’
• ‘Wherever I go, I hurt people.’

As real as they may seem to you, they are the manifestations of your own mind. It’s the power of belief.

A human mind is naturally inclined to focus on the negative rather the positive. Repeat a lie enough times, it will become the truth — that’s the power of faith.

On top of that, your self-critical affirmations are incomplete and because of that they tend to do you more harm when you expect them to do good.

Instead of just saying ‘I shouldn’t have done this mistake’ and stopping there, go a step further and ask yourself ‘How can I make sure this doesn’t happen again?’

The point here is to not make judgements about yourself but to focus on the behavior that led you here. Do not let your mistakes define who you are. For example, consider the following statements now:

• ‘I missed a file in the email. I mustn’t do that again.’
• ‘I ate too much junk food today. It will affect my health, it’s better to cut it down.’
• ‘I forgot to call my son. I won’t let it happen again.’

Be careful how you talk to yourself.

If you already are too self-critical, you must address this issue as soon as possible as it may (or already is) affect your daily life.

I am not a psychiatrist, so all I can say is to visit a therapist.

Meanwhile, self-compassion is considered to have a therapeutic effect on one’s self. Show some kindness to yourself. Try to understand your own emotions.

In Conclusion

• Do not concern yourself with how others perceive you.
• To be a better person, you might have to bring yourself under the microscope, but make sure you are not too self-critical.
• Practice self-compassion.
• Be specific and open-minded when asking for feedback.

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