Psychology of Breakups: Why did he leave me
Did he ever love me
Before and after a breakup, regardless of who initiated it, if both parties have truly invested in the relationship, they often ask each other, “Did you ever love me?” or ask themselves, “Do I still love him?” Love is hard to define, as everyone feels and understands it differently. Some people feel love in their daily routines, while others feel it in surprises and romance. Often, if you feel like you have loved or still love the other person, then love exists for you. Love brings a warmth and weight that, once experienced, can be felt.
Of course, psychologists have put forth many theories about love, but the most widely accepted one is Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love, which identifies passion, intimacy, and commitment as the three key components of love. Passion encompasses the intense feelings of love, which can cause jealousy and pain. Many love relationships start with a lot of passion, which can be irresistible. Intimacy refers to the warmth and safety two people feel when they are together. Commitment is the willingness to be together and the plans they make for the future.
Therefore, if you are still asking, “Did he ever love me?” you can reflect on whether you had passion, intimacy, and commitment in your relationship. However, in addition to these three components, there is an important foundation and core, which is whether he understands you and whether you understand him. Many intimate relationships lack understanding. Loving each other requires mutual understanding, otherwise what we love is the imagined version of the other person and the imagined love, which is not real love.
Sometimes we don’t understand ourselves, let alone the other person. There is a phenomenon in intimate relationships called “pseudo-intimacy,” which means that even though two people may be together, they feel like something is missing between them. They may sometimes feel like they are the most familiar strangers to each other. He may treat you like a lover, but he does not understand who you are, what you like or dislike, or what you want. Similarly, many people have never truly understood their partner until they break up.
What is genuine understanding? It is understanding the reasons behind each other’s emotions, knowing the reasons behind important decisions. Understanding is even harder than love. Loving and understanding each other is the best kind of love. Therefore, after a breakup, if you can ask yourself, “Does he understand me?” or “Do I understand him?” you may be more likely to find your answer. Although there are many theories and understandings related to love, as long as you feel that you have loved, then you have loved.
After a breakup, the passion may still exist, but intimacy and commitment are incomplete. Many people cannot forget and cannot let go after a breakup because they still want the warmth of intimacy and the commitment of being together. However, once the breakup happens, even if they have temporary warmth, this intimacy loses its sense of security because they can leave each other at any time. Without the commitment of being together, there is no need to plan for the future, and their choices are no longer “for us.” Therefore, after a breakup, no matter what, love is no longer complete.
Why did he leave you? Regarding this question, I want to look at it from another perspective, not from the perspective of whether or not he loved you, but from the perspective of “why.” Leaving is a decision and an action. What we need to do is to explore the “why” behind this decision and action, which in psychology is called motivation. What is motivation? In simple terms, it is why he made this decision and what goal his action is aimed at. In other words, to understand why he left you, it is useless to just think about the past; you need to consider the present and the future. After leaving you, what is he doing now, and what does he want to do in the future?
For example, if you broke up because his parents objected to the relationship, after the breakup, his parents’ accusations against him would decrease, and his guilt towards his parents would also decrease. If you broke up because of the coldness and quarrels caused by long-distance love, after the breakup, you would no longer experience the disappointment brought by quarrels and coldness. If you broke up because you couldn’t agree on marriage-related matters, after the breakup, you both have the possibility of finding new partners and avoiding greater regrets by continuing to be together, and so on.
In general, if you want to know why he left you, you need to pay attention to what he has eliminated and gained through this decision and action of breaking up. In other words, what needs he has satisfied. What are needs? They are desires and cravings. When you fell in love, he desired and craved your response, your company, and the joy and surprise that came with it. Now that you have broken up, he desires and craves peace, he wants to eliminate the painand frustration that the relationship may have caused, and he may want to explore new opportunities. By understanding his needs, you can understand why he made the decision to leave and what he hopes to achieve in the future.
In conclusion, love is a complex and multifaceted emotion, and it is difficult to determine whether someone loved you or not. However, you can reflect on the passion, intimacy, and commitment in your relationship, as well as the understanding between you and your partner. After a breakup, it is important to understand the “why” behind the decision to leave, which requires an understanding of the other person’s motivations and needs. By doing so, you can gain a deeper understanding of the relationship and move forward with greater clarity and confidence.
You might think, “Isn’t meeting needs an easy thing? Even if I have limited knowledge of him, he can tell me what he wants, and I will give it to him. I love him, and I am willing to do anything I can. Meeting needs is not such a simple process, nor is it an easy task. It demands a lot from both parties and requires good communication and cooperation between two people.
Let’s take a look at the four phases of meeting needs: generating needs, expressing needs, identifying needs, and responding to needs. One party generates and expresses needs, and the other party identifies and responds to needs.
The first phase is generating needs. Sometimes, needs arise suddenly and subtly. Unlike physical needs, which naturally make you aware of hunger or coldness, and prompt you to eat or add clothes, emotional needs are often hidden. For example, you may feel anxious, but you cannot clearly perceive this anxiety. You just can’t help wanting to call or message the other person, hoping to get a response from them. On the surface, your need is to chat, but the underlying need is to eliminate anxiety. Understanding your own needs clearly is a difficult task. People who do well in this area can not only maintain awareness of their own needs but also know the deeper needs behind their feelings and thoughts after becoming aware of them.
After generating needs and knowing what needs have arisen, let’s look at expressing needs. In expressing needs, three problems often arise:
The first problem is not expressing needs, hiding needs in your heart, and expecting the other person to read your mind. For example, I don’t speak up, waiting for you to notice that I am unhappy and come to talk to me. Or, today I’m very tired after work, I come home and lie on the couch without saying anything, but I hope you know that I am tired and let me sleep for a while instead of urging me to cook or wash dishes. When we don’t express our needs, we are actually hoping for the other person’s active attention and care. However, although two people are intimate, they are still two independent individuals. They cannot share the feelings in their bodies or the thoughts in their minds. If the other person can guess your feelings and thoughts, that’s because he is more skilled, but it is also human nature to not always be able to guess. Therefore, when needs are not expressed, missing them is almost inevitable.
The second problem is indirect expression. By hinting at your needs in various ways, the other person doesn’t need to guess, but the difficulty of interpreting these hints is also not low. For example, you imply that you want to plan a date or travel together by saying “the holiday is coming soon.” Or, you slam the door shut, implying that you are angry. Everyone has used various forms of indirect communication, but indirect communication is easily misunderstood. Perhaps when the other person hears you say “holiday,” they think you’re just expressing relief that you can finally rest at home. When they hear the door slamming, they think you just accidentally closed it too hard, while you actually want to be alone for a while.
The third problem is not expressing feelings, neither being satisfied nor dissatisfied, and having no reaction at all. Sometimes this can be confusing. In life, there are always times when two people cannot meet each other’s needs for various reasons. However, if the person with needs is not satisfied and does not say anything, using silence to replace everything, the other person will miss the fact that they are upset or harmed. Or, even if they are satisfied, not saying anything will make the other person unsure of how they did and whether the person is truly happy. Expressing your feelings can not only let your needs be seen again but also tell the other person what kind of satisfaction you like or dislike.
So, what is the best way to express needs? The best way is to tell the other person what you need them to do for you, with specific and direct instructions. For example, “I need you to spend more time with me. When we go on a date, I hope you can put down your phone and focus on me” “I need you to give me some independent space. When I say I need to be quiet for a while, can you let me be alone for half an hour, and then we can continue to communicate?” Or, “I need you to give me some face in front of our friends, praise me more. Even if you don’t praise me, don’t criticize me in front of everyone. When you want to criticize me, you can say it to me privately.”
Remember, it is “need” rather than “demand.” What does an intimate relationship mean? It means that two people are very close, embracing each other’s lives. What kind of embrace do we want? It is warm and soft. Needs are softer than demands. If you express your needs with sincere gratitude, the embrace will be warm. When youuse demands, the embrace will be stiff and cold.
After expressing needs, the third phase is identifying needs. The party that listens to the needs must understand what the other person wants. Identifying needs is not easy because the needs expressed by the other person may not be clear, and they may not be able to express their needs accurately. Therefore, the listener must use active listening skills to understand the other person’s needs. Active listening means focusing on what the other person is saying, understanding their emotions, and providing feedback to show that you understand. You can paraphrase what they say, ask clarifying questions, and validate their feelings. For example, “So you’re feeling anxious because you’re worried about the project deadline. Is that correct?” “Can you tell me more about what you mean by ‘having some space’?”
The last phase is responding to needs. After identifying the needs of the other person, the listener must respond to them. Responding to needs means taking action to meet the other person’s needs. It could be as simple as saying “I hear you, and I understand what you need” or making changes in your behavior to meet their needs. It is essential to respond to the other person’s needs because it shows that you care about their feelings and are willing to make an effort to make them happy.
In conclusion, meeting needs is a complex process that requires active communication, cooperation, and understanding between two people. It involves generating needs, expressing needs, identifying needs, and responding to needs. By understanding the importance of meeting needs and following the four phases, you can improve your relationships and create a more fulfilling life for yourself and your loved ones.
When people express their needs, they may appear vulnerable, but love embraces vulnerability. Therefore, when it comes to the people you love and who love you, try using “I need” instead of “I demand”. Expressing needs is the most critical of the four stages in any relationship. If you can express your needs effectively, it will be much easier to meet each other’s needs. So, I encourage you to practice expressing yourself more often. As long as the other person loves you and you use good communication skills, the other person will generally respond, even if they cannot respond immediately. Furthermore, even if they don’t respond, if you continue to express yourself, there is a good chance that they will respond in the future. However, let’s briefly look at the common problems that can arise from identifying and responding to needs.
The first problem is ignoring or avoiding the other person’s needs, pretending not to see or denying their needs. For example, saying to the other person, “You don’t need this” or “We’ve known each other for so long, why bother with romance and surprises?”
The second problem is misjudging the other person’s needs and making decisions for them. For example, saying to the other person, “You don’t need entertainment right now, you need to work” or “You don’t need to focus on your career right now, you need to take care of the family and prepare for pregnancy.” The reason for misjudgment is a lack of understanding of each other’s needs and not seeing the other person as an independent individual, but rather someone who should just cooperate and follow your lead.
The third problem is evaluative identification and response. After seeing the other person’s needs, instead of deeply considering them, you make judgments without thinking about their true inner desires. For example, some partners might say during an argument, “Why do you always have to argue with me? Are you deliberately trying to make us both unhappy?” Or, a woman might express her desire to develop her career, and her partner might respond directly, “Why does a girl need to work so hard? That’s meaningless. Love and family are the most important things.” Evaluative identification and response can lead to emotional turmoil, especially when you believe that the other person’s needs are unreasonable or lazy, incompetent, or selfish. This kind of emotion can cause people to forget about communication and just release their emotions. Additionally, evaluative identification and response ignore the other person’s needs and their thoughts and desires as an independent individual.
So, what is the correct way to identify and respond to needs? The correct way is to ask the other person’s thoughts, confirm repeatedly if they want or how much they want something before responding, and ask “why” multiple times when responding. Also, ask yourself whether what you are doing is what they want, instead of ignoring, misjudging, or evaluating their needs.
However, no matter what, if you don’t express your needs effectively, identifying and responding to them will be even more difficult. Therefore, if you want to satisfy your needs in an intimate relationship, you need to practice expressing yourself effectively. By now, you should understand that meeting needs seems easy, but it is actually full of obstacles and difficulties. If you are not careful, you can easily make mistakes.
Now, let’s go back to the question of “Did he love me? Why did he leave me?” You may have loved each other, but lacked the skills to meet each other’s needs. If your needs are not met, you will gradually lose happiness, become distant, and lose confidence in changing the situation, so you choose to give up. Or, it could be that breaking up itself is about satisfying needs, such as pursuing freedom and career, a better material life, or parental approval, etc. Therefore, if you want to find the answers to these two questions, you need to focus not only on the needs themselves but also on the process of meeting those needs.