Prospect Mothers Beware

Becoming a parent is an amazing experience, but the society we live in makes t harder and harder for people even to want to be parents at all.

I had been feeling sick for days. I thought it was due to stress and sleepless nights. My husband suggested I took a pregnancy test, and I burst out in laughter. “I can’t be pregnant. That’s impossible,” I replied. However, he insisted that I took the pregnancy test, so I took the test to ease his mind.

When my results came back positive, I flipped. I always wanted to have children, but the timing was terrible. I had just left a permanent job for an internship to start a new career, so I had no health insurance. If you know how expensive healthcare is in the United States, you understand. I was scared.

I could not imagine going to job interviews with a growing belly. I was doomed. Who would hire a pregnant woman? If I knew one thing is that pregnant women have poor luck at job interviews. Generally, companies want people dedicated exclusively to them where family life would never come between you and them.

I immediately scheduled an appointment with a doctor to confirm my pregnancy. The following day not only was my pregnancy confirmed, but I also got to hear my baby’s heartbeat and see him thru an ultrasound. After that day, I could only think of him, and from that day on, all my energy was focused on his arrival and learning what things to expect.

A few days later, I was invited to apply for a permanent position with the company I was doing the internship with. I told my boss I had just found out that I was pregnant, but he invited me to apply regardless. Fortunately, he hired me —I was so relieved.

All I had to worry about was delivering a healthy baby and getting all the things he’d need. Eager to learn everything about motherhood, I joined several mommy groups on social media. I learned a lot about baby-related topics, but most importantly, I learned the truth about our society regarding motherhood.

Many of the published posts were from women seeking advice on handling employers who offered no maternity leave, but they wanted to take time off. The comment section was the hardest part to read, however. Many women expressed the difficulty they went thru in similar situations. Some lost their jobs, and others didn't take any time off out of fear of becoming unemployed. How is this possible in such an amazing country?

I must confess that I never imagined that pregnancy and motherhood were severely underestimated in our society. I was taught that in the U.S.A, nobody is to be discriminated against and naively expected that to be true. However, the reality is that we are too individualistic to care for others and fail to recognize the need for children to bond with their caretakers. Therefore we have no laws protecting those social rights.

While countries like Estonia, Bulgaria, Hungary, and Japan offer over 60 weeks of government-mandated paid maternity leave, the United States of America offers none. A few states do have state-mandated paid maternity leave, and there have been efforts to pass federal-mandated paid maternity leave, but to no avail.

While we live in a society where we pretend we are above the rest of the world because we think of ourselves as compassionate and fair and we believe we treat everyone equally — the reality is that it isn't true. Mothers are not being treated fairly.

Raising human babies takes a lot of work, dedication, and time. They need constant care, love, and attention. Children need guidance to control their emotions, and the presence of their mothers is essential for them to do so successfully. And I am not referring to part-time presence.

Before my son was born, I thought he needed things when all he needed was me by his side. I made the mistake of thinking that materials possessions were more important than time spent with him. It was when he was born that I realized I didn't want to be separated from him. Our society is mainly focused on production. Family life is secondary. If work is not your priority, something is wrong with you. In America, never put your family first.

We have forgotten the most important things in life. Why are we working anyways if not for the well-being of our families? We have bought the idea that being happy means finding something we are passionate about and being the best at it. That being said, forget friends and family and focus fervently on that job to go up the career ladder, and then you can die in peace having achieved all your dreams.

The fact that only a few companies in the United States offer paid maternity leave is a sign that our priorities need to be revisited. Luckily for me, the company I was working for did offer maternity leave. However, after my time was up, I realized it was not enough. I needed to be with my son, and he needed me. I tried suppressing my emotions, but I couldn't help it.

A mother is more emotionally invested in her child, and from an evolutionary point of view, more committed to their safety and survival. Other caregivers, even fathers, do not have the same instincts.

Erica Komisar. “Just be there: Why moms should stay with children in their early years.” 2017. https://bit.ly/386TwZA

It wasn't easy going back to work with an infant at home. The first month I was a complete emotional disaster. I doubted I could even do it, but the fear of postponing my career won me over. I feared having a gap in my resume, especially over wanting to be a stay-at-home mom. It would have been different before I learned all the things I had learned, how women were perceived as a liability for taking time off to be with their children. This perception was not limited to employers but even family members who viewed these women as lazy and even gold diggers. All I wanted was what was best for my son, and knowing it was me by his side but having chosen my career has been devastating.

One of the most unfortunate things I’ve learned since becoming a mother is that while we profess to love children, we do not mind taking the most important thing from them: their mothers. Even those who would hang you for even thinking about abortion would condemn you for spending time away from work to be with your child. You will be accused of taking their tax money even when the money does not come from them at all. The amount of disdain for mothers, particularly, single mothers is astonishing.

We have to become what we proudly preach to be: the best country in the world. Paid maternity leave should be available for all mothers in the United States. If we can’t fulfill this basic social need, let’s stop pretending we are above everyone else.

Taking time away from work due to motherhood should never be frowned upon. When I was off work with my son, it was the best time of my life. No mother should ever be deprived of that joy.

All mothers should have the opportunity to spend at least one year of paid maternity leave. For some people, this sounds insane because their priorities have never been around family life. However, it is time that we rethink our lives and our priorities. A year may sound like a lot for many, but it is not that much, not when the mother-child relationship will help the child build a strong emotional foundation.

When a mother or other primary caregiver is not present enough, a child experiences higher levels of stress. Research shows that when mothers and babies are separated, they both produce more cortisol, a stress hormone. The unrelieved production of cortisol may cause a baby or toddler to become anxious and fearful, even when there’s no reason to be afraid. ADHD-like symptoms can be a response to stress in the environment, just as aggressive behavior can be a response to fear.

Erica Komisar. “Just be there: Why moms should stay with children in their early years.” 2017. https://bit.ly/386TwZA

Before I had my son, I didn’t know the emotional impact it would cause me to leave him to go back to work, but I would like to help you avoid going thru the same situation. Our society — women included — underestimates motherhood. Many of us are convinced we can do it all, so we try to live by those convictions. Building a stable career path is amazing, but it will never match building strong relationships with our children. In the end, we will not regret the jobs we didn't get. We will regret the time we didn't spend with our loved ones.