Profiles of the Online Commentator
A naturalist’s guide to the digital menagerie
Anyone who writes online, or even spends much time reading online, will be well aware of the peril that comes with putting yourself out there, with trying to take part in the global conversation in the hopes of contributing something interesting, or at least entertaining. And this peril, of course, consists of the comments section, that democratic free-for-all of enlightened discourse that makes the Internet such a warm and welcoming place.
The more you’re exposed to it, the more you start to pick up on certain themes, certain commonalities, certain personality tropes that, like biological species, can be conveniently classified using a simple taxonomy. Being the selfless servant of the digerati that I am, I’ve done the world the grand community service of compiling just such a helpful list for the benefit of present and future generations. You’re welcome!
We’ll start today’s tour with one of my favorites — the Presumption Peddler. Unfounded assumptions are their sole currency, and business is brisk. They appear to have taken their cue straight from the racist’s playbook. For without knowing the first thing about you or your background, without bothering to read any of your other work to form a balanced opinion about your worldview, they’ll lump you in with some group they hate and then proceed to go off on you for everything they hate about the group. The fact that you don’t actually belong to that group and that you likewise despise it is utterly irrelevant.
But beyond their powers of arrogant presumption, their true superpower is their uncanny ability to — like Superman himself — quickly shed their merchant garb revealing the full dress regalia of the dreaded Ad Hominazi.
The Ad Hominazi’s modus operandi is to make everything totally personal. They make no attempt to address your ideas. It’s all about you and the myriad ways you’re a horrific human being (or, depending on their level of vitriol, perhaps even subhuman). Like the big game hunter, they adorn their walls with the severed heads of all the messenger’s they’ve shot. The best way to deflect their bullets is to remind them of the fact that you’re a stranger on the Internet about whom they don’t know the first goddamned thing and they’re welcome to go f… comment elsewhere.
And speaking of strangers, let’s not forget the ever-condescending and patronizing Fake Friend. You’ll recognize them from their standard calling card — the frequent insertion of the word “friend” while in the midst of berating you, while treating you in a way I wouldn’t treat my archnemesis, much less someone I’d never met. They can be swiftly identified with an easy-to-employ field test: Simply substitute the word “motherfucker” everywhere they’ve said “friend” and it will make their true colors readily apparent. With friends like them, who needs enemies?
Closely related is the Sincerity Cynic who besmirches your integrity by thinking they know more about the inner workings of your own mind and your motivations than you do. They’ve grown so desensitized by trolls trying to “own” them that they project insincerity and bad faith onto everyone who isn’t in perfect lockstep with their own orthodoxy. So smugly certain are they of the correctness of their position, they can’t even fathom the possibility of anyone disagreeing. Thus, they’re convinced that anyone who states such disagreement has to be lying. These folks are to be pitied, for what an impoverished existence they must lead.
Another perennial favorite is the self-anointed master of all things logic-related, the Logician Magician. They view themselves as having reached the pinnacle of rationality and are keen to prove it to the world. Logical fallacy is their favorite charge. They’ll huck it like others do “hello.” (This, despite zero formal training and a demonstrated limited understanding of the concept.) They seem blissfully unaware that most essays aren’t, and aren’t intended to be, academic dissertations or lawyerly court filings. They’re rhetoric — they’re reasoned or even just passion-driven argument. As such, you’re entitled to a bit of rhetorical flourish when making your points.
But the Logician Magician despises entitlement in all forms and will be quick to pounce on the slightest indiscretion. The problem, of course, is that they’re seldom intellectually equipped to do so, but per the Dunning-Kruger effect, they’re incapable of realizing this. Fortunately, they can be easily dispensed with by the following simple advice: If you’re going to call someone out on a logical fallacy then you better a) be right, and b) be prepared to explain precisely how it’s a fallacy. If not, you’ll merely expose yourself for the fool that you are.
On the other end of the spectrum you have the highly melodramatic Limbic Lunatic who’s one hundred percent passion, zero percent logic. They don’t even attempt to be rational. No sir. It’s all feelings all the time. And just to preempt any bigots in the audience who might try to read something into this that simply isn’t there, you can take your misogynistic stereotypes and send them Priority Mail® straight back to the Dark Ages, for no gender can claim a monopoly on this one. In fact, it’s about as egalitarian as it gets. Anyone is equally capable of achieving such stunning feats of emotional acrobatics with the simple mantra, “Thinking bad. Neurotic meltdowns good.”
Name calling is one of their staples, as are emotional tantrums that would make a two-year-old blush. If faced with such a complete collapse of maturity and failure at adulting, it’s best to just let them just scream their displeasure until they soil their nappies and then cry themselves to sleep.
Another particularly grating type is the Coattail Clinger (also known as the Remora). They don’t have a large following of their own and are unwilling or incapable of writing their own essay, so they’ll parasitically latch onto yours in the hopes of getting noticed. Their trademark is to spend a minimum of ten paragraphs in the comments section, possibly obliquely addressing something from your essay, but more likely, just ranting away like a standard street corner crazy on a soapbox with a megaphone. They can most easily be dealt with using any veterinarian-grade horse dewormer. I hear Ivermectin is particularly effective. Barring that, if you stub out a joint or a cigarette directly on any exposed skin they present, they’ll quickly drop off.
Next we have the Lone Word Terrorist, who fixates completely on a single objectionable term you’ve employed, giving them a subsequent, self-granted license to ignore all preceding paragraphs and the ideas contained therein. With these paragons of tunnel vision, you can either defang them by apologizing for your word choice and then reminding them of all the other parts they’ve conveniently failed to address, or you can treat them like they’ve treated your carefully crafted, well-reasoned prose and blatantly ignore them.
And then, of course, no list would be complete without that classic staple of the Internet since its inception, the Hit and Run Hater, commonly known as a troll. They’re just assholes. And they’re typically not very bright. They have absolutely no intention of contributing anything of substance to the conversation, and that’s not their objective. Truly the best thing you can do is pretend they’re invisible, for attention is what they crave most. (I wish the media and Twitterati had managed to figure this out about Trump.)
As tempting as it can be to engage with them, to huck clever zingers to shut them down, it’s a losing prospect. And if you let them too far under your skin to where you lose your cool, it can earn you a visit from the moderators (ranging from mild chastisement and a gentle reminder of the platform’s Terms of Service to outright suspension, based on the severity of the offense). Don’t give the troll the satisfaction of getting a rise out of you. They’re simply not worth it. As Mark Twain presciently advised, “Never argue with stupid people. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.”
Lastly, there’s my all-time favorite punching bag, the Self-Righteous Sanctimonious Prick. From the lofty heights of their preternaturally tall horses, the rarefied air has asphyxiated and atrophied their brains, severely impairing normal functioning. This renders them utterly incapable of even considering, much less being swayed by rational argument. They’re just there to virtue signal and feel superior. Like the troll, they’re really not worth getting too worked up about, for, as with any such passive-aggressive failed relationship breakup, it’s not about you. It’s about them.
Well, as you can see, it’s a jungle out there. And trekking through this heart of darkness, setting forth on safari amongst the savage beasts, is not a task for the timid. One could be forgiven for turning away in terror and giving up on ever trying to post an article or essay online. It would be all too easy to conclude that cyberspace is a wholly unwelcoming place. But au contraire, mon ami! Lest you get the impression that all commentary on articles is negative, let’s explore the polar opposite to such gloom, that sweetness and light that’s always shining above the treetops.
For starters, let’s give a proper shoutout to the ever-welcome Friendly Fan who enjoyed your essay and says something nice to that effect. These people are pure saints. Always thank them profusely for their kindness and do them a solid by giving a follow back and perhaps returning the favor on one of their essays.
A bit more feisty but equally appreciated is the Avid Ally. They’re willing to go to bat for you and will actively engage your hecklers, unafraid to go toe to toe with even the most vicious of trolls (often at great personal risk). As an added bonus, if your writing is itself fact-based and logically reasoned, they’ll do it justice by employing their own facts and logic in its defense. In an age of rampant victimization complexes, they refuse to take anything lying down and will not go gently into that great night. To all such rare, random heroes, I salute you.
Rounding out this list, I’d be remiss if I were to leave out that number one supporter who loves you and your writing efforts so much, they’d rather stay silent than risk embarrassing you with their effusive praise. But just because they didn’t leave a comment doesn’t mean they didn’t faithfully read your piece and walk away glowing with pride. I’m talking, of course, about Your Own Mother. Thanks, Mom! I love you too!
So there you have it. All of the above types can easily be found in the wild, foraging amidst their natural habitat. I suggest making yourself a bingo card or wildlife passport and checking off each one that you spot. Bonus points for identifying new species I might have overlooked. Feel free to submit your findings to the comments section here. Who knows, with any luck, you might even lure some in yourself. Happy hunting, all!
Colby Hess is a freelance writer and photographer from Seattle, and author of the freethinker children’s book The Stranger of Wigglesworth.
If you enjoy my writing and would like to receive stories by email whenever I publish, please click here.
