Processing Grief Through Reflection, Support, and Faith

While processing grief is painful, it teaches us how to enjoy life again and rely on God for healing.

It’s no secret that any type of rejection, loss, or death is painful. Everyone grieves in different ways. Some people turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms. It takes some people a long time to go through each stage of grief and reach acceptance. I’m here to tell my story about grief.

Last week, I went through a breakup. Needless to say, I did not handle it well.

Like my previous breakups, I experienced sadness and anger at the same time. I felt this massive void, and even though I am a believer, I doubted God would be able to fill it. Like I have done with many disappointments and rejections, I slipped into a deep depression.

After any type of loss, I feel as though I lose a part of myself. I lose some of my better judgment, including relying on God. Without going into specifics, I turned to some unhealthy coping methods. Thankfully, God did what He does best and quickly guided me to get rid of those strategies.

Before the breakup even happened, I struggled with crippling anxiety. My therapist helped me find one possible reason for it.

Looking back, I had serious doubts and fears about the relationship lasting. I talked to my therapist about my anxiety and intrusive thoughts. I told him about my fear of repeating a breakup like my previous ones. Then we found a deeper trigger: the memory of my father’s passing.

Losing my father was unexpected and devastating. Here is the story.

During spring break in 2008, my mom, younger siblings, and I went on a nice vacation. When we came home, we found out that Dad was in intensive care…for kidney stones! Clearly, something was wrong because usually, that condition does not warrant a trip to intensive care.

The first time we went to the hospital, Dad seemed miserable. I had this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I couldn’t shake the thought of losing him! During the first week of school after spring break ended, the relentless fear stabbed me in the heart so much that I couldn’t focus on my school work.

But the next time my family went to the hospital, Dad was happy! He was alert and excited to come home after surgery the following week. But the day he was supposed to come home was the day I lost my best friend. For several months, it felt as though everything I thought I knew was a lie. When friends tried to console me and remind me that God had a plan and that He still loved me, I felt anger and rebuked Him.

After I lost my father, every type of loss felt like a death.

Although I still believe in God, there are many times when the pain of losing my father creeps into any type of loss…even before it happens. I always knew that my breakups were for the best. Even though they were extremely difficult, I couldn’t deny that truth. But the thought of losing someone close to me (before, during, and after the reality of it) seriously made me feel like I was 17, saying goodbye for the last time.

I recently talked to my ex, whom I now consider a friend. He listened to me when I texted him about how our breakup reminded me of losing my father. He said something that made complete sense to me.

That’s love, Martha. You never fully move on from losing someone before their time.

It really hit me. He was right. Does it get easier? Yes…most of the time. But when any type of loss (be it a romantic relationship or a friendship) happens, it gets really hard again. That’s how it is for me, at least.

I was blessed to have been in a relationship with a man who knew God. He was (and will always continue to be) a man pursuing God. He reminded me to lean on God in all situations, but especially when life is hard.

After my breakup — during my temporary “deterioration” — my friends were still there for me. Just like my friends were there for me after my father died, they never left my side. Regardless of their beliefs, they all supported my belief in God. They all encouraged me to continue turning to him for healing.

Yes, it has only been one week since my breakup. I am not completely “healed.” I might turn into a mess now and then. But by the grace of God and a strong support system, I am finding peace. I am grieving without losing sight of my eternal Father.

And now, I will conclude this story with my favorite Bible passage:

For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. A time to be born and a time to die…A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance. (Ecclesiastes 3:1, 2, and 4, NLT)