Do You Have Prince Charming Syndrome?
And how can you heal from it?
Are you that lonely princess in the tower alone and miserable? Forever scanning the horizon for the knight of your dreams?
“Happy ever after” only goes along with “once upon a time” — they both belong in fairy tales.
Children’s stories are filled with the handsome prince and the helpless princess. And just to let you know that there is no charming prince trapped in the body of a frog. No matter how many stories are told of princes saved by the kiss of the princess.
I remember this time when I was dreaming of Prince Charming. I thought that after we find each other, we will be “happily ever after”––meaning never argue, always agree, like the same things etc. This is called the Prince Charming Syndrome. The big lie of our modern society!
There is no such thing as being “happily ever after.” The Prince Charming Syndrome has only two possible outcomes:
- Possible partners are ignored because they fail to tick all the “Prince Charming” boxes. The standard required is perfection and that disqualifies all of us. So we wait forever for the perfect partner.
- The other outcome is the “Prince” is found, faultless and perfect. It is just a matter of time before the faults appear and the illusion is shattered. We all have faults and failings.
So, why do we allow the myth to survive?
Indeed, we are guilty of encouraging little girls to believe that there is a knight ready to sweep her up in his arms. We tell our friends at the start of a new romance that this is “the one.”
Music also plays a huge role in perpetuating the myth. Love song lyrics are full of stories of the one to fulfill all our dreams. We fall in love and make believe the songs are for us. Then tragedy strikes and the relationship falls apart. We reach out for the heartache group of songs. The songs of broken hearts and we cover ourselves in a blanket of self pity. We tell ourselves there will be no next time.
We play the game of “if only.” If only we were prettier. If only we had this or that. Anything to separate us from all the others and place us firmly at the top of the attractive stakes. We tell ourselves that the prince has not arrived because we are not attractive enough.
How do you recognize if you have Prince Charming syndrome?
Stop for a moment and look at yourself in the mirror. Do you find yourself wishing your body was different? More beautiful, your lips a little fuller or perhaps your nose a little smaller.
In short you highlight all the imperfections and fail to see your real beauty. You compare yourself to other women because the Prince will only be attracted to the most beautiful. Are you in competition with your friends and other women to attract the Prince?
Stop and take a deep breath.
Consider this. Loving couples grow old. Looks fade and wrinkles grow. Our physical attraction fades over the years. Loving couples in their eighties have seen each other’s faults. They know them all too well. It is the compassion that has endured long after the youthful beauty has flown.
Stay at the mirror and ask yourself about the qualities your prince has to have. Go through them one by one and decide which come with expiry dates.
Even top quality sportsmen grow old. They slow down, and their bodies lose their once perfect shape. Hair gets thinner and waistlines don’t.
Focus on what you are finding attractive. Are they physical things? A shiny new motor car. An elegant apartment? Those things are outside of the relationship and to consider them will lock you into the syndrome.
So here is a little test for you. Make a list of the things you find really attractive about your prince. All good? Now make a list of all the little irritations and they can be trivial things.
If you can’t get to at least three or four things that you wish would change then I’m afraid you are firmly locked in the syndrome.
What are the dangers of Prince Charming syndrome?
Childhood stories. We allow little girls to live the life of the dream princess. With that foundation, the move to adolescence is already fraught with danger.
Adolescence is the time when the group defines the norm. Relationships are short lived as they are intense.
We fall in love as teenagers. Every one can remember the first person they fell in love with, as well as the first person they made love with. Those memories are forever.
The world tells us that relationships are challenging. Divorce lawyers make a good living. Chances are we all know a friend who has broken down in tears.
Listen to her story. Concentrate on the balance. Almost always the balance in the relationship is faulty. The princess has offered up everything while the handsome prince was cold and heartless.
The reality is that she offered up her independence thinking the prince would take care of everything. They both missed the point of partnerships. Caring couples share responsibilities. They make joint decisions. Decisions that are made for the benefit of the partnership.
How do we keep Prince Charming Syndrome going?
We grow and who we were at 17 is not who we are now. Life has offered us lessons and we should be brave enough to study them well.
Groups begin to get smaller as we move into our twenties and we begin to hang out as couples.
Things are tough. We are starting out on our careers, and setting up our brand new “own home” is expensive. And so the illusion of the prince grows ever more enticing.
Our escape to a world of financial security, a perfect partner, and happiness is dawning. We judge potential partners with a checklist of essential criteria. Our friends are filling our heads with stories of how they have found their perfect prince. Couples are moving in together and in the distance, the sound of marriage bells starts to grow louder.
It is the time when society starts to push us towards conforming. The clock is ticking. Suggestions about settling down get louder.
To comply we dress our potential partner up in a suit of shining armor. We introduce him to our friends as faultless and gleaming. Morning coffee chats with friends are filled with glowing reports. How perfect our man is and all the things we have planned to do. He has this car and his career is set to rocket. He has abs to die for and don’t let me get started at what type of fantastic lover he is.
Then, we do three silly things:
- We build up a picture of the perfect person that he is not.
- We try to convince our friends that he is something that he is not.
- Worst of all, we make up a fairy tale all of our own. There is only one inescapable outcome. Don’t be tricked into thinking they lived “happily after.”
How can we destroy the myth?
So to destroy the myth and find the happiness that we all desire, we need to compromise. Partnerships require giving up some of your independence.
Decisions that affect the partnership are not yours alone to make. It becomes the partnership that makes the decisions. Together. Always together. And there is great beauty in that. The sharing of ideas and dreams made together will destroy the myth.
We need to look at the person in the mirror. We need to see not only the little imperfections in ourselves but also in our prince. And yes he may be your prince and I hope that he is, but he is a prince of imperfections as well. Imperfections can be appealing. It allows us the opportunity to grow as a partnership. To step up for each other in areas where we are less than perfect.
Partnerships are a combination. Say that to yourself every time you are tempted to look for the prince. Real relationships are two people acting together. Prince Charming Syndrome situations are one person doing everything for the other. There is no combining of talents.
Partnerships go two ways. There is the giving and the taking. The building up and support of the other when required. It is the ability to do things for the sake of the partnership not for the individual. The partnership is real and alive. Both parties work for its success.
Compassion and empathy are the keys that open the door to the tower of the lonely princess.
Relationships are our best teachers. Don’t leave the classroom because the lesson is hard. Keep studying until you get better The reward is amazing. I’ve learned that the hard way. Many Prince Charming coming and leaving. And you, what is the lesson you’ve learned with your relationships?
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