President Trump Un-Peached
For years, many have speculated how President Trump keeps up his peachy orange complexion. Some assume too many visits to the Mar-a-Lago Spa and chemical tanning.
Today, Chairman of House Judiciary Committee, Congressman Jerry Nadler, announced that he had commissioned a secret sub-committee to investigate into President Trump’s orange-ness.
For years, allegations and rumors floated around New York and DC that Donald Trump is an alien reptilian. The orange-yellow skin color is a residual of the President’s true nature.
Chairman Nadler stated that he briefed the Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, about any impeachment findings. Still smarting after the Mueller debacle, Nadler said that no allegation should be left uninvestigated.
For twenty dollars and a couple of grams of meth, a confidential informant for the Whole Toad News Service, claims to have overheard Congressman Nadler divulge findings to a staffer at a DC night club. With a reputation for loose lips, seven martinis later, the congressman opened up like a broken zipper.
When asked about the leak, the congressman claims that CIA operatives drugged and tortured him for information.
The investigation has revealed that an “age-defying” skin cream causes President Trump’s orange skin tone. Developed at Trump Laboratories, headed by Ivanka Trump-Kushner, The primary ingredient is peaches. Peaches harvested from Trump Orchards in Peach Grove, Virginia.
Because of the side effects, namely an unearthly orange glow, the product called Trump So Soft never hit the market. The white puppies used for testing turned a deep fluorescent orange.
When asked about his skin tone, the President responded, “I have very nice skin. The best skin. I have the skin of a man half my age. I especially love to use the product on my hands, which helps my golf game. A better grip, you know.”
Nadler is investigating whether the President pressured the Ukrainian president to open a distribution chain for Trump So Soft Skin Care.
In a speech, President said, “This would be good for both our countries. Besides, the way those Russian-like people smoke it would really help their complexion.”
An unidentified aid claims that Speaker Pelosi said, “Trump un-peached, a step towards impeached.”
— The Whole Toad News Service, Paul Rand, Political Catalyst.
Disclaimer: Note to NSA, CIA, FBI, Secret Service, and President Trump’s Loyal Guard. The above information is strictly for entertainment purposes only.