UNEXPECTED PREGNANCY
Pregnant When I Never Planned to Be
The biggest decision of my life
At age twenty-two, in the summer of 1981, my life took an unexpected turn when I heard the words, “Congratulations, you’re pregnant.”
What the words meant was the universe hated me. My future was fucked.
I sat stunned, not knowing what to do, or how I’d manage. It was unfamiliar territory. None of my friends had kids.
And me, the only one of my friends never wanting children, having witnessed too much with the kids my parents took in. Kids whose fucked-up parents couldn’t keep their shit together. Kids in foster care. Kids unloved.
Children were just too much responsibility. Too much for me. It had to be a sick cosmic joke.
Messing up my life was one thing, but destroying another life was a whole other matter — especially an innocent child’s.
I didn’t want to be that kind of mother — that kind of person.
I’d never even held a baby, much less cooed over one. Didn’t even think they were cute. What was there to like about babies? They had no personality. Were helpless. They ate, shat, and cried. What was so appealing? Plus, the planet was already overpopulated.
Having not waited for a man, figuring I’d be alone long term, I’d moved forward, creating a home for myself. A couple of years prior, my parents had agreed to give me the boathouse my father used as a garage so I could turn it into my home.
My father had not been as happy about it as my mother. For Dad, it meant giving up his place to escape from the madness in his home. For Mom, it meant I’d stay close, where she wanted me.
Renovations had become stagnant — ever since I lost my waitress job and my Unemployment Insurance ended. Plus, I burned through all my savings.
It had been more difficult finding another job. Maybe because of my short-term erratic work history — four jobs in five years. Usually, I only worked long enough to qualify for some UI money.
My waitress job at Smiley’s Restaurant had been the longest.
I regretted its end and my inability to admit it wasn’t about my work schedule as much as being on call had interfered with my drinking lifestyle.
Months after losing the job at Smiley’s, I landed a job at Fraser’s Canteen. As close to home as I could find (about a fifteen-minute drive). Since I didn’t own a car or possess a driver’s license, I depended on my father, my sister, or friends to drive me to and from work. My father didn’t like the shifts ending at midnight.
The job was basic. Not a lot of cooking, just simple diner food: fries, fish, clams, hot-dogs, and sandwiches. The main work entailed peeling potatoes, putting them through the French fry cutter, soaking them in water with ascorbic acid.
Mainly, I worked in the front area, handling money and scooping ice cream. Often it took two of us to keep up with the demand of families bringing their children in for a cool treat.
I didn’t like the men lingering at the counter drinking coffee. Sticking around to ogle us girls when we leaned over, scooping ice cream from the freezer. The emptier the large containers got, the further we had to lean in. Giving the men the view they wanted.
Soon as I could, I found a ride with a co-worker. While most people were tucked in their beds when the canteen closed, we ended up at my place, drinking until three in the morning. Mindy, my Irish setter, curled up at our feet.
Being pregnant wasn’t predictable. I had never been pregnant before. Had no idea what to do about it.
And what about Mike, whom I’d met two weeks earlier? I was six weeks pregnant. It was a disaster. An unbelievable disaster.
Just my shitty fucking luck. Finally, meeting a man with possibility. Maybe even a serious relationship, and then…
I didn’t know what to do. No matter what I chose, consequences would follow.
First, I phoned my sister, who, after she recovered from the shock, said, “I’ll be right over.”
When Kathleen arrived, she squealed, “A baby!” She practically jumped up and down, said, “This is wonderful!”
“Wonderful? Really? I’m pregnant. I’m having a BABY! What is wrong with you? This is not wonderful.”
“No. No.” She sat down beside me unable to control her excitement. “It’s great.” She squealed, “You’re having a baby!”
“I’ve a shit job. My house is unfinished. I don’t have enough money to finish it. How can I care for a baby? I don’t even want a baby! How’s this wonderful?”
“I can help. We can all help you. All your friends will help you,” she said. “It’ll be like our baby, too. We’ll all be there for you.”
She just didn’t comprehend the seriousness. I wouldn’t risk my future on such a feeble plan. Friends were never there when you needed them most.
Later, I phoned my best friend, Maria. Her advice swung in the opposite direction. “Get an abortion,” she said. “He’ll never know.”
“Sounds so easy.” I hadn’t thought about an abortion. Or where I stood on the issue. “I don’t know even where to get one.”
“You’re not gonna tell Mike, are you? You just met him.”
“Um… what choice is there?”
She went silent for a moment, before blurting, “Just pretend it’s his. He won’t know.”
“Are you fucking kidding me? I can’t lie. No way. You know I’m no good at lying.”
“But the timing’s so close,” she said. “He’d never know.”
“But I would. And there’s no way I can live with that.”
We both fell silent. I chewed the inside of my cheek. My fingernails and the surrounding skin already chewed to pieces. At the rate I was going, I’d devour myself before solving the problem.
“Do you think Mike will stay if you tell him the truth?” Maria asked.
“I don’t know.”
“You gotta make the right decision.”
“How do I know what’s right?”
I wished for a fortune teller to tell me what to do. Or a magic wand to undo what was done.
Inside of me, life was bursting forth, cells dividing, a new life taking shape. But I’d never felt so alone.
I knew that whatever I decided my life would never be the same.
Stay tuned for part 2.