Monday Prompt

Power Vampires Beware! I’m not Letting you Suck my Power Away Anymore!

With a courageous heart, I stand up for my authentic self.

Houston, I clearly have a problem.

I’ve been letting power vampires suck my power away. No wonder I feel weak and anemic in the presence of dominating personalities.

It would be easy to blame them and their forceful ways. As long as I don’t stand up for myself, this will keep happening. How do I find and muster the courage to do that?

My power slips away in front of powerful people.

When dominating people step up to the plate and announce this is the way it is in that no-nonsense voice, it’s hard for me to stand up to them and speak my truth. But oh, boy, do I feel it when I don’t.

A word about personality types:

If you’re familiar with the DISC system of describing personalities, it would be the Dominant Driver type to my Conscientiousness. Or in the even older Four Temperaments, it would be the Choleric to my Melancholy.

Drivers and Cholerics are task-oriented extroverts. They tend to be business owners, CEOs, generals, and in other power-wielding roles. The term Alpha male describes them well, though there are plenty of female cholerics.

The Conscientious and Melancholics are task-oriented introverts. Artists, poets, musicians tend to be Melancholics, which I find comforting. But we tend to kowtow to Drivers in order to keep the peace.

If you’re curious, the other two types are Sanguine — the extroverted people-oriented ones — the lives of the party. And Phlegmatics — introverted people-oriented ones. Blessed are these peace-makers.

Case in point — my choleric church friend I’ve written about several times here. After my latest aha, which was: the madder they make me, the more I am to love them, I picked up my phone and called her.

Yes, I did. I was guided to do that, and am glad I did.

We have yet to speak. I left her a voicemail letting her know I felt moved to reach out and connect. That I, too, missed our times we used to sit in the courtyard and discuss books like The Disappearance of the Universe.

We’d go round and round about whether the known world is real or an illusion we made up, an out-picturing or dream of our inner landscape.

Are we spiritual beings having a human experience, or are we spiritual beings having a virtual or Dreamtime experience? Fascinating. I loved it.

I hope she calls me back.

I’m scared she’ll call me back. She has such an uber strong personality. When you add in the sarcasm and provocative, manipulating questions I associate with her, I’m flummoxed.

A typical example:

After a long, challenging conversation with her, she’ll ask me to tell her what I’ve gotten of value from our interaction. Honest first thoughts include nothing. Or more frustration. Or a headache.

I feel flattened by this question. It feels manipulative. Like she’s forcing a complement whether it’s heartfelt or not.

Now I could be honest, right? A sanguine friend of mine recently gave her honest requested feedback about her pushy, sarcastic tone of voice. Instead of thanking my friend or asking questions of clarification, she went on the offense. She grilled my sanguine friend for several uncomfortable minutes, making her sorry she responded honestly or at all.

So when she asks me this kind of question, my power goes right out the window. I can’t say I give it to her so much as it evaporates. Or gets sucked out of me like a gut punch.

I search my brain for something positive to say.

Not a bald-faced lie, but definitely not what I’m thinking and feeling at that moment. The need to keep the peace takes over.

Is this behavior conscious on her part? Most likely not. Her fear and traumatic pain lash out whenever they get the chance — lash being the operative word here.

I get tongue-tied from these tongue lashings. They make it hard to say, let’s put our friendship over and above church politics so we can reconnect as friends. Does she even want to reconnect with me? Do I want to reconnect with her?

Am I doing this to stay in integrity with my latest aha?

The word courage comes from the French word, courage. Its root is heart — cour in French. The key to courage is connecting with my heart.

That may look, feel and sound awkward. I’m okay with awkward. I’m willing to be a beginner and look foolish. I’m willing to show up, be present to both of our feelings, prayerfully trusting the Universe to guide us together.

I trust the path will unfold as either or both of us step out on faith. Even if it’s one baby step at a time. All it takes is willingness, as the Course in Miracles says. And I’m willing. I trust she will be, too, as she’s the one who cracked the door open.

Now that the door of my heart is wide open, I get to walk through.

May I have courage — a word with the word heart in it — cour, right? May I have the courage and the commitment to walk my talk straight through the open door of my heart!

Thank you, 𝘋𝘪𝘢𝘯𝘢 𝘊., for this powerful prompt!

Marilyn Flower writes political humor and satire to delight socially and spiritually conscious folks. She’s a regular columnist for the prison newsletter, Freedom Anywhere, where she writes about faith and prayer. Five of her short plays have been produced in San Francisco. Clowning and improvisation strengthen her resolve during these crazy times. Stay in touch!