Post-Lockdown Beach Bodies

It’s a struggle to accept my new size in these weird times.

Covid-19 lockdown is over and some of us have resurfaced heavier and unhealthier than before it began. According to a survey, more than half of the Americans interviewed admitted to gaining weight. The infamous “Freshman 15” took on a new nickname: “Quarantine 15”.

Coincidentally, a study commissioned by a digital scale maker found this not to be true — its users only gained an average of .21 pounds during this period. Let’s not kid ourselves though. I own a digital scale and preferred not to weigh myself during those dreadful months. Denial is a great coping mechanism at times, and I have a feeling many of you chose to do the same.

Let’s admit it, it was fun while it lasted. All the carbs, snacks, alcohol, and Netflix binges. Not wearing pants. Letting ourselves go a little bit. We all had the perfect excuse — the world’s gone to hell, we might as well enjoy our time on earth while it lasts.

Our goals went out the window, whether financial, physical, or travel related. But we’ve managed to get through this and now it’s time for some damage control.

Weight gain and body image issues

To many people, women especially, weight gain isn’t just a matter of health or aesthetics. It has a lot to do with mental health as well, and one’s perception of his or her body. We don’t see ourselves objectively, and when a sudden change occurs, there’s an adjustment period up until we can fully accept our reflection in the mirror. If we ever accept it, that is.

I’m all for body positivity when you have learned to love and embrace yourself just the way you are. I’m a strong advocate for a more diverse representation of women in media and fashion, and I truly believe all shapes and sizes are beautiful.

Nevertheless, accepting and loving yourself has less to do with size, and more to do with the narrative in your own head. It’s a mental struggle between you and that negative bully in your brain.

This internal battle has manifested itself many times in my youth. I’m a recovering emotional eater. I used to binge eat and yo-yo diet all through my early 20s. I owned several pairs of jeans, all different sizes, because I didn’t know which one would fit me from one month to the next. I felt uncomfortable, bloated, unattractive, and depressed at all times. My self-esteem was in the gutter and it reflected in my relationships and life choices.

I look back on those times and feel deep compassion for that young woman. I wish I could have been less obsessed about my weight and just enjoyed life, instead, I wasted years feeling inadequate.

At some point, I caught a lucky break. I got my heartbroken for the very first time, lost my appetite, and all that hurting did wonders for my physique. The pounds melted off seemingly overnight and I found myself at the ideal weight, hungry for life instead of food.

There was a shift in my perception of satiety, and I began to focus on getting healthy and healing my gut. Thus began a decade long journey of eating right and listening to my body.

For ten years I enjoyed my medium size and constant weight, all while eating whatever I wanted, of course, within reason. It sort of became my identity. For a decade I wore the same size in clothes and I didn’t think twice about it. My body image was tattooed into my mind — curvy, fit, strong, womanly. I was finally at peace with myself. Any woman knows how valuable that is.

Dealing with my new body

Here I am in 2020, the not-so-proud owner of the “Quarantine 15” pounds. None of my clothes fit right, I have fat rolls on my belly and my back, my arms are a bit flabby, my knees are puffy and I can see a tiny double chin emerging under my jaw.

I’m by no means obese — more like rubenesque. My BMI is within the normal range. But I’m one size larger than I was before, and I just can’t get used to that idea. I look in the mirror and I’m transported to that time when I was insecure, lonely, and depressed, and fear that history will repeat itself and I will be miserable again.

But this time around, a lot has changed. I have the benefit of being older and wiser. While mourning my visual identity, I’m trying to find some silver lining in all of this. The truth is, if I were to ignore the number on the scale and my tight-fitting clothes, I would feel much better about myself. Weight gain has been insidious, slow, and steady. Weight loss can happen much in the same way — unnoticed. So why worry?

Here’s my game plan so far, and maybe you can find some value in this too:

Be intentional when looking in the mirror

Remember that the beauty standards you set for yourself are not your own. They’re acquired from societal trends and norms. I grew up in the 90s, and the pressure to be skinny haunts me to this day. It was an impossible task, as I had thick thighs even as a child, and my legs were sturdy and muscular. Thank God for the Kardashians — my big glutes are no longer a laughing matter, in fact, they’re quite admirable and I hardly had to work for them.

What I’m saying is that you can change the way you look at yourself. I look in the mirror and see strong legs that carried me on high mountains. I look at my thicker body and see a comforting and sexy silhouette. I look at my arms and appreciate the work they do every day. It doesn’t come naturally, but do it enough times and you will see a shift in your perspective.

Just buy some new clothes already

Whenever I have to get dressed for work and clothes are tight I get triggered into the same old pattern of negative thoughts. So why not remove the trigger altogether? I know, you don’t want to invest in new clothes because you intend to lose the weight anyway, and you don’t want them to go to waste. But losing weight might take longer than you think, wouldn’t you want to feel comfortable in the process? Just this once, your sanity might be more important than ecology. Get some new clothes that feel flattering and fit your new figure. I bought some high waisted bikinis to stuff my belly in while going to the beach, along with some loose, colorful pants and skirts for the summer.

What does it take to feel pretty

On the same note, negative self-talk is always being triggered when I don’t take care of my appearance. It’s not just weight that can make us feel unattractive when looking in the mirror. I made the transition to grey hair recently, and it’s been a similar struggle. I started wearing more make-up and applying bronzer because I was feeling so washed out and couldn’t get used to my new look. It turns out having a nice tan also makes me feel lean and toned, so I will be reaching out for that bronzer whenever I need a boost of confidence. It’s not vain if it makes your day better.

Replace judgement with compassion

We’ve all been through a lot this year. Our bodies did the best they could to protect us from the stress that took over our lives. Imagine your fat layer as a protective cushion between you and the outside world. Appreciate it for what it was — a defense mechanism. Embrace your new reality with compassion and understanding. It’s the only body you’ve got and it has to work hard to protect you from disease, so make peace with it, shower it with kindness and treat it well. Change your attitude towards self-care and pounds will start melting off.

Confidence comes from within

Clothes, make-up, bronzer, and other tricks are just external crutches to get to the ultimate goal: loving ourselves unconditionally. Confidence is internal, it shouldn’t depend on shapes, sizes, hair, or skin color. It’s a quiet inner appreciation of our value and potential. And that’s beauty, after all, that sparkle of self-worth in our eyes, holding our heads high, feeling at ease and happy in our skin. Beauty is that self-confidence glow.

Final thoughts

Appearance does matter, but it should matter for the right reasons — not because of other people’s opinions, but because it’s so closely linked to our identity and aspirations.

All bodies are beach bodies, that saying will always ring true. I plan to flaunt my unconventional curves on the beaches of Greece in just a couple of days. It’s funny how this long-awaited vacation used to be a trigger for working out and dieting, only to become an exercise of self-love and acceptance when things didn’t go according to plan.

We can always turn it around. We can always change our minds for the better.