HUMOR

Possible Titles For My Series About Life As A Caregiver

#11 Dummies guide to proper measurement and digging of a human-sized hole in your backyard

“If you don’t laugh, you’ll cry.”

Some brilliant soul once penned this and who am I to disagree? I could bawl about my role as the hero in these bound-to-be bestsellers of my current life. Or I can choose instead to lighten the mood with a few jokes at my own expense. Which titles will you buy?

The Best-Selling Alzheimer’s Colon Series

Not to be confused with my best-selling colon cleanse novellas, this series looks at the funny and the furious aspects of being a caregiver to someone with Dementia. If you haven’t had the pleasure of regularly assisting someone whose marbles have long been filed in an inappropriate cabinet drawer, this may give you some clues as to how life alongside them looks.

Called the Alzheimer’s Colon Series because Alzheimer’s: precedes all titles, these books have been toted as “brilliant and necessary” by the likes of Estelle Getty’s co-workers and Ronald Reagan’s personal nurse aide.

Alzheimer’s: The Fun of Discovering They Shit The Bed

Alzheimer’s: Day Drinking Dilemmas subtitle: Who will care for my spouse when I’m too drunk?

Also recommended is its companion guide,

Alzheimer’s: The Cause of Night Wakefulness and Day Drinking, A Workbook (with helpful and inspiring excerpts from the AA program)

Alzheimer’s: How To Destroy An Entire Family

Alzheimer’s: The Slow Decline Into An Idiot, often purchased with,

Alzheimer’s: The Quick Decline Into An Idiot

The Q&A Series

Burning questions you want to be answered? These extremely practical short graphic novels, reminiscent of Art Spiegelman-style, fit into a caregiver’s limited time schedule.

40% Of Caregivers Die Before The Person They’re Caring For: Will You Be One Of Them?

Do You Know How To Get Your Spouse To Stop Touching Everyone’s Tits?

Where The Hell Could The Whisk Be? And Other Places To Look For Lost Items

How The Heck Do I Replace A Furnace Filter? Practical Advice On How To Do Everything In Your Home On Your Own

And Introducing The Special Dummies Guide Series

We all know the world just wouldn’t be, well the world, without Dummies — the guides, of course. In fear of copyright infringement, I may have to consider Ignoramus’ Guide instead. It doesn’t have the same ring to it but the slate cover, representative of murdered brain cells, will be just as attractive.

Dummies Guide To Proper Measurement and Digging of a Human-Sized Hole In Your Backyard

Dummies Guide To Flexibly Finding 365 Answers To The Same Oft-Repeated Question

Dummies Guide For Saving Enough Money For A Nursing Home subtitle: It’s Pretty Much Impossible But You Can Try

Dummies Guide For Figuring Out Who Your True Friends Are subtitle: Hint, you’ll find out fast when your spouse is diagnosed with Dementia

Dummies Guide To Getting Your Spouse To Shower subtitle: Good luck with that

Hopefully, these wonderful nuggets will enable you to understand the reason I am exhausted and drunk most of the time. For personally signed copies please show up with pre-made meals and a screwdriver — both the drink and the tool are acceptable. Oh, and the book, of course. I almost forgot.

My husband was diagnosed four years ago, at the age of 47, with Early Onset Alzheimer’s. It wasn’t a complete surprise as it runs in his family. We are still “early days” so some of the possible titles are from our experience with his mother, uncle, and grandmother, as well as individuals who are in the same spousal support group and further along in their journey.

©Jennifer J. McDougall 2021

To read more about my experience, please check out this piece.