WHODUNNIT

Possible Reasons My Bookshop Doesn’t Have a Perfect Google Rating

Leave on a high note

I reveal the whodunnit as soon as the customer pays for their murder mystery book at the counter. Reveal how? Obviously by whispering into their left ear.

I speak (not narrating) to the customer in Joe Goldberg’s voice from You whenever they fake smile at my mediocre but original book puns. I tell them — “Hey, you! You blush. You are Charlotte’s Web and I could love you.”

Occasionally, and for no reason, I smell like a corpse flower. Constantly, and for no reason, my cat smells like durian fruit.

When the customer is texting on their phone while browsing for the books, I tell them into the microphone, in my podcast voice — “Let me guess. Your text is about the book you just looked at and you want to know if it’s worth buying it. So you found an excuse to desperately text your ex. It’s pathetic.”

I sometimes say, “How’s it going?” to the customer who just said, “How’s it going?” to me.

If I had a perfect 5, and not a 1.00 rating, I’d probably close my shop for good to leave on a high note, like Breaking Bad.

When the customer is paying for any romance book, I tell them into the microphone, in my podcast voice — “Let me guess. You are in love with someone. How pathetic. Here’s food for thought — Have you ever wondered why people say falling in love and not rising in love?”

I often make the customer jealous with how often I bring up my ex-customers. Especially ones who didn’t mind me whispering just “whodunnit” into their left ear and right ear — once each — as soon as they pay for their murder mystery book.

When a customer is browsing their books, I tell them into the microphone in my podcast voice — “Hey, you! Really? THAT book? Fascinating!”

If anyone gives a 1 rating on Google and writes cruel reviews about my bookshop, I never let them inside my bookshop again. How do I know who rates what? I make them rate and write a review while they’re in my shop.

When the customer is paying for any fantasy book, I tell them into the microphone in my Joe Rogan podcast voice — “Let me guess. You’re a self-proclaimed pretender. You’re incapable of differentiating fantasy from reality. Whenever you suck at life, you use your fantasy characters to distract you to avoid facing reality. You wholeheartedly believe in magic. It’s pathetic.”

I always say, “I’m the one who knocks!” to the customer who knocks at my door after seeing the sign “Knock before you enter. Please!”

I almost always intentionally bill the wrong book, hoping they would have a legit reason to come back.

As I’m swiping right on every single girl I see on Tinder on my phone — IF a girl matches with me, I randomly speak into the microphone in my podcast voice — “It’s a match, folks! Let me guess. She wants to marry me. It’s pathetic!”

Whenever a tall, slim red-headed girl walks into my shop, my cat says into the microphone in her podcast voice, “Mamma Meow!”

I desperately try to be a perfect bookshop owner and a brilliant podcaster at the same time. It’s pathetic.

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A special thanks to the legend Amy Sea for her expertise.