What Polyamory Taught Me About Not Being Possessive
Last night I slept alone. I bundled up in my thick comforter and made myself warm, listening to an audio-book while I drifted in and out of consciousness — sometimes sleep is better alone. I was exhausted and worked tirelessly last night, after attending a very loud, very intense death metal show the night before, and was ready to catch up on both work and rest — which is exactly what I did. We had a great time over the previous days and the time had come for us to part and bask in the memories from the moments we’d shared, while we accomplished things in our respective lives as individuals. I thought, “How healthy is that?” I’ll say here, that I do believe it is extremely healthy, regardless of what people say (and they do, often) while passing judgment from the outside.
The previous night, my significant other had come to sleep with me in my bed after the show which was a nice change of pace and a treat that I enjoyed also, but last night she chose to go to bed with her husband rather than me, and honestly, I was perfectly okay with that. My girlfriend’s husband has a room on the other side of the home we all live in (for privacy reasons) and she floats back and forth to whichever side she’d like to be on at the time, both throughout the day, and at night when it comes time to sleep. This is awesome. Every person in this equation is perfectly capable of asking for space and closeness when we need it, and it’s given when someone needs it, even without them saying a word.
I know a lot of people out there probably couldn’t “handle” a situation like ours, but to me, the rewards are astronomically great, which is what this story is about.
Ever since I’ve taken up this path of a polyamorous relationship, especially one where I have one partner that I choose to be with and no others, though that partner has another partner, her husband, that she also shares her life with, many of my old assumptions have been turned upside down. In a weirdly beautiful way, it has helped me to analyze a lot of the things in life that I had previously thought were a given through a new lens, and, like a curious child, try to make sense of them. One of those things is our complete lack of possessiveness on both of our ends, his and mine — one of those things is the liberty that we give others to live their lives without interference from us.
Neither of us actually even so much as ask for her to choose our side of the domicile, here, both out of respect for one another, he and I, but mainly out of respect for her and her right to choose what she wants to do, where she wants to be, and who she wants to be around. I can’t help but contrast this with some of the other relationships I’ve seen which contain all the elements of possession, the phone-checking, the snooping, the manipulation, the begging. “Is this healthier?” I ask myself often. The answer in my mind is always a resounding, “YES! That’s how it should be. That’s how all relationships should be, isn’t it, that you let a person do what they want within a few set boundaries?”
While I advocate strongly for my three-person dynamic, I’ll never tell anyone that it’s the only dynamic that’s worthwhile — plenty of two-party relationships are rewarding and healthy, being single is rewarding and health — but I will say that I believe it highlights something that stifles lives and smothers dreams: possessiveness and control. There’s a lot of value in personal space, you know? I’m a firm believer in the fact that it’s healthy to miss people, and it’s healthy to give them the privacy they need for their lives. The three-party dynamic has helped me see this because control by one party out of two or the other was never really an option; the possibility of possessiveness was eliminated from the equation from day one, relegated to the dustbin of failed relationships from years past.
I honestly don’t feel possessiveness; I trust my girlfriend, and know it in my core that infidelity is a highly unlikely possibility, what, between juggling a husband and a boyfriend, plus owning her own business and wellness center, she’s got her hands full to say the least.
Is it possible that, through sharing and allowing people the freedom they deserve, we can overcome jealousy and control? I think it’s a very real possibility. I feel like it’s also extremely healthy that no one in the equation makes one person the extreme focal point of our lives, dumping all sorts of responsibilities and expectations on them, which is likely why so many in relationships feel overwhelmed. And the truth is, I wasn’t always this way — it’s something that I’d learned.
The thing is, we’re not non-possessive because we’re poly, I think it’s the other way around, that we’re poly because we’re non-possessive; it’s the fact that we’ve each overcome our possessive sides in the past which has lead us to the point where we had the ability to embark on this wonderful journey, and wonderful it is. The virtues and realistic world views within each of us provided the fertile ground on which a healthy relationship can grow, and that’s how it should be — nothing important is gotten in this life without being earned.
© 2019; Joe Duncan. All Rights Reserved
