Politics Aside: Reaching For Common Ground In A Polarized World

Growing up in my house, politics was rarely discussed. It certainly wasn’t argued about. That’s not to say that there were no arguments. There were plenty, just none that had anything to do with who the next Governor or President of The United States was going to be. I wish they had been half as important. My mother, however, always made a point of watching the evening news, and often I’d watch along with her. World events have always intrigued me, even as a kid. And yes, even back then, the news was terrifying. From the perspective of the naïve and impressionable youth that I was, the urgent tone of the anchor’s voices gave me the sense that the world was always on the brink of calamity. In that respect, I guess things haven’t changed all that much. I have changed, most definitely, but the news is still the news.

Since 2017, even I, and my fairly unpolitical family have felt the sting and experienced the awkwardness of this new highly polarized world. The hard truth is, whether you consider yourself a political person or not, — and assuming you’re not burrowed in a cave somewhere off the grid — it’s hard not to have some strong feelings and opinions about our current state of affairs. For me, the reality of it sometimes seems almost too absurd to be real. There are still days I wake up and ask myself is this really happening? That question is usually followed by another, how the hell did we get here, and where is the light at the end of the tunnel?

As I write this, November 3rd is just a little over two weeks away. It’s hard not to see it as a sort of dubious climax as we near the end of what has been a very tragic year for so many people in so many ways. As for social unrest, whatever happens at the polls in November does not inspire confidence that certain things will be getting better anytime soon. If anything, the possibility of it getting worse for a while seems the more likely scenario.

At no time in my life have I felt the divisions in this country run deeper. You don’t have to reside in one of the larger cities to feel it. I live in a relatively small town in upstate New York, and still, I see it pretty much everywhere I look. There is no hiding from it. And at no time in my life have I felt that there is less of a middle ground. So many people are fully committed and entrenched in the ideals of one party or the other, and for the small remainder of the population that can’t fully identify with either, they are the odd one’s out.

I try to convince myself that I am one of those very rational, sane people who reside somewhere in that sacred middle away from the madness of it all. It makes me feel better to believe that, I suppose, but deep down I question whether it’s actually true. Certainly, I see the many flaws on both sides of the aisle: the corruption, the lies, the posturing, the spread of false information to leverage agendas. In some sense, these things have always been there, of course, though perhaps never more amplified than at the present moment.

I’ve never felt comfortable identifying with either of the two major political parties. To me, they are just over simplified labels that cover over the many nuances beneath the surface. That said, as much as I try to avoid conflicts, as much as I try to take the high road, especially when it comes to politics, I have been, especially during these past four years, several times unsuccessful. Sometimes I’ll see something on the news or a political ad that will strike me as particularly egregious, disingenuous, or absurdly untrue that I won’t be able to keep my mouth shut and I’ll angrily blurt something out at the television. I suppose this wouldn’t be much of an issue for someone who lives alone or in a house of like-minded people. For me, however, and I live in a house with only one other person, — my fiancé — it could be the match that strikes the fuse of the invisible stick of dynamite in the room always waiting to be lit.

It hasn’t just been at home either. A few months back at a family breakfast my older brother and I had the beginnings of what I suppose could have become a heated argument. Thanks to my brother in law for having the good sense to step in and quickly change the subject, it never fully escalated, and we all left the table that morning laughing and on good terms.

While nobody can predict for certain what will happen after this year’s election, it’s hard to imagine a smooth outcome. This year has been anything but smooth for most of us. Some people I’ve talked to and articles I’ve read online suggest that we could be on the verge of a civil war or possibly succession. Whenever I hear things like this I can’t help thinking that it doesn’t have to be this way. There is no reason for it to be. It’s not too late. Just think, only one year ago, who would’ve thought that these would be topics of serious debate? But yet here we are, and perhaps what’s not being asked enough is how do we get back to finding common ground with each other - friends, colleagues, loved ones whose opinions we don’t always agree with?

Here are a few ideas I’ve been thinking a lot about lately. None of them may seem particularly easy to enact, but then again how could they be?

Make An Effort To Understand Before Reacting

This first one may seem like only common sense, but still, how many of us actually do this anymore? Before having a difficult conversation with someone you know about politics, it might be a good idea to make a point of — as much as you may not like it — stepping out of your comfort zone for a while to tune into the perspective of the other side. If you normally watch CNN or MSNBC consider flipping the channel to Fox News or one of the other conservative networks and vice versa. This will be uncomfortable, sure, beyond uncomfortable for some, but that’s the whole point. We can’t sit down and have a productive or meaningful discussion with anyone until we have some sense of their perspective, whether we agree with it or not. If the things you see or hear make you angry, that’s fine. Open up a window. Scream into the void. Punch some pillows. Let it out. When the time comes to have a difficult conversation you’ll have at least exercised some of that anger and maybe, just maybe, you’ll be more open to asking questions in an effort to understand where the person you’re talking with is actually coming from.

Be Open minded, But Remain Vigilant

Understand the media platforms we’re all consuming. Social media and cable news media, especially. Closely observe all the pundits, and how each spins the same story in multiple directions, whichever one serves the core mission or narrative of a particular political party or ideology. Don’t allow yourself to be manipulated. Arm yourself with facts before telling someone else that they are wrong, which by the way is probably not a great idea in either case. Then understand that just because you confront someone with what you consider to be the raw ugly unvarnished truth you cannot expect them to eagerly accept it and just come waltzing over to your side. We live in a world where the truth hardly matters at this point. People believe what they want to believe - whatever reinforces what they think they already know, whatever makes them feel good, or fuels their righteous indignation. It’s something we all have to accept. Be subtle. Don’t allow your emotions to run away with you. Inject some humor into the conversation if you can. Once you do that, and you’ve made the other person laugh, you’ve already won some equal footing and whomever you’re talking with will likely be more receptive to what you have to say rather than feel threatened by you.

Check Your Pride At The Door.

Being right, even if you truly believe you are, is never more important than being considerate and respectful. Shouting someone down when we don’t like what they have to say will never win them over, and more likely than not it will drive the wedge even deeper, making it next to impossible to have any kind of constructive discourse with them again down the road. Not only that, it won’t allow us to learn anything new or grow. Just as we want to be heard and respected for our points of view we have to be willing to bend a little and give that same respect to someone else, even if we don’t like the things they are saying. Even if we believe them to be wholly untrue or negatively charged.

Just as talk can quickly escalate to shouting, and in extreme cases, violence, if we can come at it from a perspective of curiosity and non-judgment it can just as easily be our way out of conflict.

It seems to me that in these socially volatile times if we can give each other a little breathing room, understanding, and insight into our differences and why we are the way we are, and why we believe what we believe, and approach it with more curiosity and less judgement then that is a place for healing to begin, not to mention a substantial gift to us all.