Police Unions Angry Over Being Profiled as Violent Thugs

Say they’re being unfairly represented and brutalized by an unjust system.

Across the country, police unions are joining together and rising up with a single voice, claiming they’ve been unfairly skewed by a crooked system.

“We’ve faced generations of injustice at the hands of a broken system, and we’re not going to take it anymore,” said Buck Stevens, a representative of the American Police Association.

“Police everywhere are brutalized by a system that is stacked against us,” Stevens said in a statement. “The media portrays us as violent thugs. The economic system in this country is built to disenfranchise us. Hell, we only get a measly 10% discount at most donut shops! That’s barely enough to cover the tax!”

“And the cost of tattoos is rising faster than our pay increases. Plus, most tattoo shops won’t even do the racist ones anymore! Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a guy to ink a swastika on your arm these days?”

“Plus, we face acts of violence from the general public every day,” the statement continued. “Do you have any idea how many black people resist arrest on a given day, requiring the use of deadly force? It’s easily in the thousands!”

When asked whether police work attracted violent bullies and white supremacists, Stevens replied “Absolutely not. I mean, I know that 40% of cops beat their wives, but only when they really deserve it.”

“Plus, my friends on the force are some of the least racist people I know!” he continued. “Barely even half are members of some sort of right-wing militia, and only like a quarter of them are Proud Boys.”

“We will not stand for this injustice any longer,” Stevens said. “We are planning a counter-protest on a massive scale. Police across the country will be present at Black Lives Matter protests, complete with riot gear, rubber bullets, and tear gas, to demonstrate our right to free speech and assembly.”

“We also plan to use our sway with local politicians to enforce curfews and allow us to attack and detain protestors using military tactics and gear. It’s the safest way to ensure that nobody on our side gets hurt.”

When asked about right-wing counter-protesters, Stevens said “as far as we’re concerned, they’re on our side and can do as they please. They’re all patriots who stand up for our God-given right as police to enforce our will on minority communities through illegal stops and searches.”

“We look forward to the day when America stops treating us like second-class citizens in our own country and gives us the basic human rights that we have always lacked and so sorely deserve,” the statement concluded.

When asked for comment, the president of the local chapter of the Black Lives Matter movement simply shook her head and said “come on, man, really?”