Poetry For Philistines
In Praise Of Limericks
As something of a philistine, I have to admit that generally poetry doesn’t do it for me. Apologies to lovers of the poetic form, and I hope that this article does not disappoint. The exception to my aversion to most poetry, is the limerick, which probably reveals much about my cultural level.
So what are limericks, for the uninitiated? They are humorous, five-line rhyming poems that usually keep a silly or absurdist tone. They follow an AABBA rhyme scheme, so the first, second, and fifth lines rhyme with one another, while the third line rhymes with the fourth.
When I started researching this article I found that many of the examples I was going to use are actually very crude, and most unsuited to a family and refined platform such as Medium. So this rather restricted the number of examples I can give, though some of the ones not used did make me laugh!
For example there are several limericks about the town of Devizes, and bodily parts of different sizes, that are clearly not suitable. The following limerick observes this very fact, that the funniest are often rather rude!
The limerick packs laughs anatomical Into space that is quite economical. But the good ones I’ve seen So seldom are clean And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
The actual origins of the limerick are somewhat shrouded in mystery: nobody knows why they’re named after Limerick (which is a town in Ireland), who invented the form, or when they were first composed. Many of them are very clever, and display great economy with words.
The first Limericks appeared around the Middle Ages so they have been around for a long time. For example there is a limerick in Shakespeare’s Othello, written in around 1604. In the play, the character Iago sings a drinking song which he claims he heard in England, though to be honest I don’t find the Bard’s effort nearly as good as some of the other examples:
‘And let me the canakin clink, clink;
And let me the canakin clink:
A soldier’s a man; A life’s but a span;
Why then let a soldier drink.’
The following limerick which I do rather like, was written by the American polymath Oliver Wendell Holmes Senior (1809–94):
“God’s plan made a hopeful beginning. But man spoiled his chances by sinning. We trust that the story Will end in God’s glory, But at present the other side’s winning.”
Dental disaster
For a more recent effort, source unknown, you may enjoy the following -
“An elderly man called Keith,
Mislaid his set of false teeth,
They’d bee laid on a chair,
He’d forgotten them there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.”
It is all relative
Here’s one for the scientists among you –
There once was a runner named Dwight Who could speed even faster than light. He set out one day In a relative way And returned on the previous night.
Another one for the scientists and wizards -
The incredible Wizard of Oz Retired from his business because Due to up-to-date science To most of his clients He wasn’t the Wizard he was.
And another scientific one -
There once was a girl named Irene Who lived on distilled kerosene But she started absorbing A new hydrocarbon And since then has never benzene.
For the animal lovers
(No animals were harmed in the composition of these examples)
An elephant slept in his bunk, And in slumber his chest rose and sunk. But he snored — how he snored! All the other beasts roared, So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
My dog is really quite hip, Except when he takes a cold dip. He looks like a fool, When he jumps in the pool, And reminds me of a sinking ship.
One for the birds
A wonderful bird is the pelican His bill holds more than his belican, He can take in his beak Enough food for a week But I’m damned if I see how the helican.
There was an Old Man with a beard, Who said, “It is just as I feared! Two Owls and a Hen, Four Larks and a Wren, Have all built their nests in my beard!”
Poor professor
There once was an old man of Esser, Whose knowledge grew lesser and lesser, It at last grew so small He knew nothing at all And now he’s a college professor.
Rude nude
A bather whose clothing was strewed By breezes that left her quite nude, Saw a man come along And, unless I am wrong, You expect this last line to be lewd!
For the religious
There was a young lady named Alice Who was known to have peed in a chalice. ’Twas the common belief It was done for relief, And not out of protestant malice.
For the foodies
An oyster from Kalamazoo Confessed he was feeling quite blue. For he said, “As a rule, When the weather turns cool, I invariably get in a stew.”
There was an old man of Peru, Who dreamt he was eating his shoe. He woke in the night, With a terrible fright, And found it was perfectly true.
There was a young girl from Flynn Who was so terribly thin When she sipped lemonade Through a straw in the shade She slipped through the straw and fell in!
Quite often limericks will start and finish with a very similar line, such as this example -
There once was a boy named Dan, Who wanted to fry in a pan. He tried and he tried, And eventually died, That weird little boy named Dan.
There was a young lady of Cork, Whose Pa made a fortune in pork. He bought for his daughter, A tutor who taught her, To balance green peas on her fork.
There was a young schoolboy of Rye, Who was baked by mistake in a pie. To his mother’s disgust, He emerged through the crust, And exclaimed, with a yawn, where am I?
One Saturday morning at three A cheesemonger’s shop in Paree Collapsed to the ground With a thunderous sound Leaving only a pile of de brie.
There was a young lady named Perkins, Who just simply doted on gherkins. In spite of advice, She ate so much spice, That she pickled her internal workins’.
Funny money
Is it me or the nature of money, That’s odd and particularly funny. But when I have dough, It goes quickly, you know, And seeps out of my pockets like honey.
Seeing stars
There was a young lady named Hannah, Who slipped on a peel of banana. As she lay on her side, More stars she espied Than there are in the Star-Spangled Banner.
Cretan
There was a young fellow of Crete Who was so exceedingly neat. When he got out of bed He stood on his head To make sure of not soiling his feet.
It’s all Greek to me
There once was a curate from kew, Who kept a black cat in a pew, He taught it to speak Alphabetical Greek, But it never got further than mu.
Musical mayhem
To compose a sonata today, Don’t proceed in the old-fashioned way: With your toes on the keys, Bang the floor with your knees: “Oh how modern!” the critics will say.
From the wind section -
There was a young lady named Cager Who, as the result of a wager, Consented to fart The complete oboe part Of Mozart’s quartet in F major.
And from the string section -
There was a young lady whose chin Resembled the point of a pin So she had it made sharp And purchased a harp And played several tunes with her chin.
My neighbor came over to say (Although not in a neighborly way) That he’d knock me around If I didn’t curb the sound Of the classical music I play.
Incognito
There is a young schoolboy named Mason, Whose mom cuts his hair with a basin. When he stands in one place, With a scarf round his face, It’s a mystery which way he’s facing.
Journo jingles
A newspaperman named Fling, Could make “copy” from any old thing. But the copy he wrote, Of a five-dollar note, Was so good he now wears so much bling.
A magazine writer named Bing Could make copy from most anything; But the copy he wrote Of a ten-dollar note Was so good he now lives in Sing Sing.
On retirement
What happens when you retire? You really don’t have to inquire - No job and no phone There’s no place but home, And your checkbook’s about to expire!
Mocking the limerick form
To demonstrate the humour in the form, the following examples make fun of the limerick form itself.
A crafty young bard named McMahon Whose poetry never would scan Once said, with a pause, “It’s probably because I’m always trying to cram as many additional syllables into the last line as I possibly can.”
The following is a clever play on the word meter (which in poetry is a measured rhythm as well as a device to measure usage) -
A forgetful old gasman named Dieter, Who went poking around his gas heater, Touched a leak with his light; He blew out of sight — And, as everyone who knows anything about poetry can tell you, he also ruined the meter.
In similar vein -
There once was a man from the sticks Who loved to compose limericks But he failed at his sport They were always too short…
To conclude this review of the limerick form, do share any other favourites of your own, but clean ones only please!