Satire/Humor
Plumber Gets His Moment to Shine
Quarantine Gives Plumbers the Status They Deserve
Step aside, Grand Poohbahs of the Pencil Pushers. Sit tight, Kings of the Cubicles. Let’s face it. You’re unessential. Just stay in lockdown and binge watch Pornhub. When ladies need a snake ran through their pipes, it’s plumbers like me getting all the late night “doodie calls”.
Since mid-March, I’m no longer a lowly turd herder. I’m at cock-star-status, doing emergency visits to the homes of women who haven’t seen an unmasked man in over six weeks. And boys, they’re hungry for affection.
When a princess has clogged her commode, the big wheeler-dealers she’s been eying on Tinder can’t come to her rescue. Oh, but I can. I get to hang with women who believe bras are oh-so-two-months-ago.
These damsels in distress understand when “doodie” calls, I’m there.
I’m on speed dial for a bevy of beauties — each a dandy in her own way. Here’s a peek at my last 24 hours:
Mary Beth, 34-years-old, meteorologist. This looker is a force of nature. She appears mild, but she’s capable of producing one helluva assquake. I’m talking about a real shit storm that turns in to a messy mudslide.
Vivienne, 46, heir of old money. This class-act blames her husband Thatcher for the butt truffles creating the commode catastrophe. I don’t see evidence of a male in the house and, with one glance at that fancy fanny fudge, I know she’s a fibber.
Jane, poor Jane. She’s 19, stick-thin and pale. All nervous and jittery about a leaky kitchen sink. She’s a bit too clingy in these times of social distancing for my liking. When I tell her I need to tighten the seal, she follows me as I run out to my van for some pipe dope.
Vixon, 24, pretty, besides for her greenish cast. She claims to be an exotic dancer, but I’m convinced the only toe-tapping she’s been doing lately is the Aztec two-step.
Betsy, 66, is a real sweetheart and a firecracker. She meets me at the door in a light pink, silk negligee and high heels. While I regulate the water flow in her shower, she asks my opinion of her angular discharge tube.
Darcy, 27, single mother of three. She’s cute as a button, but her kids are hellions. Since the world is out of poo-paper, they stuff the loo with socks, Barbie clothes and Beanie Babies. I’m going to see a lot of Darcy before this is over.
Dorothy, 70, widow of forty-plus years, has me look at her bathroom sink. When I suggest snapping on a new cock hole cover, she writes me a check and adds on a huge tip.
Yes, all you Big Kahunas, eat your hearts out. I’m out here living the dream. I used to be the butt of all jokes — but who has the brass ballcock now?
For more of Tracy’s humor, check this one out!