Please Welcome — Mr. Neem
Saving lives, avoiding pregnancy.
“What am I looking at here, exactly?”
“My scanners say that’s a neem tree.”
“And why are we looking at neem? Doesn’t it grow everywhere like a weed?”
“Yes, it does. Though I must say I’m becoming quite fond of this tree.”
“Like the way I’m fond of weed?”
“Does weed prevent pregnancy and sexually transmitted disease?”
“No, as a matter of fact, I’d say it encourages both.”
“I heard cannabis is an aphrodisiac for women, while it makes men fall asleep.”
“You hear a lot of things.”
“I hear the same thing happens with hops.”
“I hear that hops are a cousin to cannabis. Pretty much the same, minus the THC.”
“So you’re saying that IPAs are an aphrodisiac for women?”
“That’s right.”
“Must be why women are breaking into the craft beer scene hard right now.”
“Yes. It makes them really horny.”
“How about neem? Does neem make women horny?”
“Well, yes and no.”
“Explain.”
“Yes, well the extract from the neem leaf prevents pregnancy, and also greatly reduces the transmission of sexually transmitted disease when the oil extract is applied as a personal lubricant, so you could say that it is in some form an aphrodisiac, in that it grants both men and women complete reproductive freedom with little to no contraindications.”
“So if men and women took neem, there would be little to no need to argue about abortion rights?”
“Correct, you could take neem and live and let live, having sex without worry of pregnancy, like hippies.”
“That’s amazing. Why aren’t people talking about this?”
“Because it would leave internet protestors without a reason to argue Roe vs. Wade.”
“Oh.”
“Even if women are killing the life that was created in part by a man.”
“Oh.”
“So you could imagine it’s rather controversial, beyond the fact that abortion ends a gestating human life.”
“Yes, I imagine that’s pretty complicated.”
“You should see what an abortion looks like in the second term, which is more common than you may think. Doctors reach in and pull the baby out. It’s not pretty.”
“I imagine this would be triggering for many to think about, let alone experience, yes.”
“But people like to focus on abortion more than preventing pregnancy. Because people are sick and tend to focus on reactive situations as if they are unpreventable. They like to focus on war as well, for months on end. And when they aren’t focusing on abortion and war, they are thinking about everyone dying from a pandemic. And when they aren’t thinking about people dying from a disease that has less than a 1% mortality rate according to Google, they are thinking about people dying from cancer, and other horrible afflictions. And when they aren’t thinking about that, they are thinking about people being shot. And children being harmed in horrible ways. And if that’s not enough, they watch all of these topics be discussed on the internet, on social media, and partake in the discussions, or lurk silently, between watching repetitions of this feed on the news. And as if that wasn’t enough, people watch series on Netflix about all of these topics, in ways that are amplified for the sake of ratings. And when that’s not enough, they dabble in conspiracy theories, which invariably leaves them feeling unhinged.”
“That’s pretty horrible.”
“Yes, and as if that weren’t enough, people also send text messages of hate to one another, all day long, whilst entertaining thoughts of their own lives being a mess, without doing anything productive, and while doing that, they talk about each other behind people’s backs, and create scenarios that never existed in their minds, and relay to their friends of confidence how if they weren’t so busy, they would be sure to let the people they hate know how much they hate them directly, but they don’t. They just keep complaining, and sometimes even post about it on Medium. And when that’s not satisfying enough, they start groups to talk about people, as if making up conversations in their mind wasn’t satisfying enough of a distraction, and when the dopamine is depleted from that distraction, they organize groups to protest people and cancel others, and when that’s not enough to spike the dopamine to previous levels, they write emails of protest to administrators on Medium, and other social media platforms, to make sure that someone with a view that is positive, or in opposition to all of the aforementioned horrors, is swiftly shadow banned.”
“Sounds like people live in a pretty fucked up world.”
“I agree. Which is why I encourage you to go seek out life on another planet, as humanity is pretty much beyond the point of recovery now.”
“What’s this I hear about humans colonizing Mars?”
“It’s better that you don’t get involved in that either. Because the person that is making that happen, albeit in service to humanity, is causing the aforementioned groups to argue over how this person that is trying to preserve human consciousness is bad. And selfish. And a bigot. And out to hurt humanity. Even though he made it possible for families to get in touch with one another when the internet was blocked in Ukraine. He provided satellite internet for free and didn’t ask for anything in return. Apparently, someone gets hated for doing something like that, while offering solar power to homes for free, and so it’s really better that you search elsewhere for sentient life that’s worth saving.”
“Do you have any suggestions for places I should visit?”
“I hear Titan has a nice view of Saturn this time of year. And the colonies there have everything covered up, like on Venus, there are thick atmospheric clouds that keep Terrans from discovering the truth that the planets are well-inhabited, and thriving.”
“How do you know that?”
“I visited the planets whilst taking ayahuasca.”
“What’s that?”
“It’s an entheogen that causes ego death. Not something I recommend trying for the sake of alien curiosity.”
“I just want to say I’ve really enjoyed our conversation today. And thanks for the feedback.”
“Anytime. That’s what I’m here for. Oh, and while you’re at it, please take this fern with you, as it houses a number of tardigrades that carry the DNA of the human species that existed prior to the industrial revolution. I had it all assembled at McMurdo Station in Antarctica, and it’s probably the best genetics you’re going to get from this planet.”
“Many thanks to you, Earthling.”
“Don’t mention it.”
“I feel like I should give you something in return.”
“How about a hug?”
“What’s that?”
“I hold you like this, and make you feel warm inside. Oh wow, you’re all sorts of prickly.”
“Sorry, that’s my reproductive response. You seem rather attractive to me.”
“Well, I’m not opposed to us getting it on for the sake of saving humanity.”
“Really?”
“Unfortunately, yes.”
“You mean you haven’t found a partner here on Earth?”
“Well I did, and she tried to have me killed.”
“Wow. I promise not to kill you. At least not intentionally.”
“That’s very considerate of you.”
“Don’t mention it.”
“Do you mind if I have an IPA?”
“Let’s have one together.”
“Because it will make you fall asleep?”
“I thought you said it would turn me on?”
“I wasn’t sure if you were male or female.”
“My body doesn’t work like that.”
“Oh.”
“Anyway. Cheers to humanity.”
“Cheers.”