Please Don’t Write About Affairs if You’ve Never Been Affected By One

“When writing the story of your life, don’t let someone else hold the pen.” Harley Davidson

I signed up to be a friend of Medium to support other writers. I was on the fence about this. To go from $60 a year to $180 was a stretch. But I DO make a little extra cash from my writing. Not a lot, so I decided to participate in the Friend of Medium on a trial basis. What I love the most about Medium are the personal stories. I must admit, it does feel fulfilling to know that I am giving a little extra to the authors of the stories I read.

After I signed up, the first story I read was agonizing. A story that was the complete opposite of words from the heart. I won’t reveal the author or the title because I don’t believe in publicly going after someone. Basically, the story was the author’s “advice” on why you shouldn’t fall in love with a married man.

As if she would know.

The issue I have with anyone writing about affairs who has never experienced one is that you have no idea how it feels. Yeah sure, you can guess. You can think how you’d react if it happened to you. But believe me, you won’t be prepared until it happens.

Here are some insights from the ten-plus years I’ve corresponded on adultery forums. I cannot even count how many people would say that they were the type of person never to have an affair. They are shocked that it happened. That’s why they’re on the forums. They are scared, confused, ashamed, and guilt-ridden. It is the same distress reported by the betrayed spouses who often write that the discovery of an affair blindsided them.

I’ve written this before. Very few people say on their wedding day, “Oh boy, I can’t wait to plan my affair.” Cheating happens because of a breakdown in the marriage. And I won’t sugarcoat that it is devasting to everyone involved: the cheater, the betrayed spouse, and the mistress. Everyone gets hurt in an affair. In my sometimes humble opinion, only people who have been affected by an affair can write about the experience.

In the story I read, the author comes right out and says that she won’t pretend to understand a love relationship with a married man. But then she blatantly goes on to write, “…but I will impart some wisdom for your well-being.”

Oh really? So you cannot understand how it could happen, but you can so expertly provide us with your wisdom?

I can’t wait.

Basically her insight came from obvious googled steps on what happens if you love a married man. He’s not going to leave his wife. He’s probably deceiving you, too. He will never put you first. Blah blah blah.

Oh wow, what a bombshell. I’m sure every mistress reading this will find the information extremely helpful. Considering she already knows all this. She has learned very quickly that she won’t be put first. Her gut tells her he won’t leave his wife no matter how many promises he makes.

Please, wise author, tell us something we don’t know.

Oh it must be this. The author writes that she has no judgment because it is easy to fall in love with a married person when you have relationship problems.

Easy? Ask anyone who has been in an affair, and the word, easy, does not come to mind.

I’m sorry to my followers. I’m crabby after reading this article. Since writing on Medium, my goal has been to reach out to those hurting from affairs. To click on an article that got 900 claps where the author shames the mistress by calling her sloppy seconds is just another attempt to kick a person when they’re down. She points out that the mistress must be scared and disappointed that she can’t find a healthy relationship.

You’re damn right she’s scared.

But she isn’t scared for reasons that the average person thinks. It has nothing to do with his empty words or charismatic personality, as the author assumes.

She fears giving up the possibility.

I firmly believe that the covert nature of an affair is a way to try out a relationship. We get to play at becoming who we want to be. The secret allows distractions to leave the room, albeit temporarily. A new identity is being forged. You’re both trying out what you want and deciding the level of commitment. Yes, yes, I realize that any commitment is moot. But again, remember that a person who has never had an affair can’t wrap their head around that commitment still feels very much like a possibility.

We are conditioned to make relationships all about us. In an affair, you have two people in close quarters. They are naked both physically and emotionally. I understand that sometimes the married man is a lying narcissist. However, I can tell you that anecdotally, the men I’ve corresponded with have been the opposite. They fell hard for their affair partner but, for various reasons, chose their family instead. For couples like this who are genuinely building strong feelings for each other, that locked hotel room creates a chance. An option. Holy crap… a recourse. And anyone who’s been there knows that potential causes confusion. Improbability crushes practicality.

Often, this experience is conveniently packaged as one word: fantasy. I’ve also been guilty of throwing the fairy tale around. And I’m not dismissing that is part of it. Even the author chastises that your love for a married man is just a fantasy. However, the issue I have with her article is where it stops. It is never helpful to yell to a mistress, “Girl, grab your dignity back.”

She already knows she has let go of her dignity. She will soon realize that the answer is to give up the possibility. And that’s going to be soul-crushing and emotionally brutal. It will take more than a googled list of steps for her to get it back. So please don’t do that. You’re not helping.

Because you don’t get it.

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