Please Don’t Tell Me To ‘Transmute’ My Anger
It’s ok to feel angry during times of global unrest
I’m angry. And you know what? That’s ok. I forgive myself. After all, we’re going through a global fucking pandemic. I think we can all forgive each other for a little bit of incivility during this time. In fact, just think about it… Maybe, just maybe… forgiving ourselves for our own anger may be a catalyst for forgiveness on a global scale…
Has anyone ever told you to “just let it go”? To “just get over it”? To “just move on”? To “just stop being angry”? Someone told me recently that I need to “just transmute the anger”. Do you know what I wanted to say to this person? “Fuck you!” But I didn't. I restrained myself and forgave them for offering such an infuriatingly unhelpful piece of advice. And I forgave myself for thinking these things. And that felt good!
I have realised that I only exercise self-forgiveness and self-love during times of crisis. When things are ‘normal’, I have a very high degree of ‘unrelenting standards’. This is one of my ‘schemas’, according to my psychologist. I am very hard on myself and this is projected onto others. However, when I had a baby a few years ago, I was kind to myself. It was a tough ordeal! I deserved a break. So, I gave myself one. Even when I was a completely hormonal, emotional, erratic, and crazy mess. I forgave myself. And I realised that this was good for my relationships. Yes, I was a mess, and that wasn’t so good for my relationships. But the forgiveness part was.
It’s ok to feel anger during a global pandemic. Do you know why? Because a global pandemic is a pretty hard core trigger for unresolved trauma. And unresolved trauma usually carries with it a degree of unresolved anger. This pandemic has triggered a lot of anger in me. It has unearthed a lot of unresolved trauma. For example, I don’t have a relationship with my mother. This is deeply upsetting for me and it causes me a lot of anger. I won’t go into the details (maybe another time). But addressing and acknowledging my anger towards my mother has also allowed me to forgive her.
For example, I forgive my mother for creating a delusional world of sunshine and rainbows for me to grow up in. She was trying to protect me from the big bad world. But, in doing so, she didn't teach me about the big bad world or how to survive in it. Growing up in a delusional bubble of ‘happiness’ created a shit ton of cognitive dissonance for me to wade through later in life. Especially when I experienced abuse at the hands of other people. I hadn’t realised that the world could be this way. Even though, in hindsight, and with newfound knowledge, I realise there was actually a lot of trauma and abuse within my own family.
When I started to ask questions and my mother felt that her bubble was being threatened, she took it and she moved away. She refused to answer my questions. She refused to validate my reality and even rejected my reality and substituted her own. She wouldn’t talk to me about things that had happened in our family or about my feelings towards them. I am angry with my mother. But I forgive her. I realise that she is a product of her own upbringing, a part of a cycle of intergenerational trauma.
Intergenerational trauma occurs when a traumatic event or situation happens within a family and is subsequently passed down through generations. Individuals can be affected by intergenerational trauma without realising it, as this kind of trauma can be passed on through parenting practices, mental health and behavioural issues, domestic violence, and substance use/abuse. I didn't realise I had been subjected to intergenerational trauma until I was an adult and learned about the things that have happened within my own family. Then, it became impossible to fathom that I had NOT been affected by these traumas in some significant way.
So, sitting with my anger during COVID-19 has allowed me to reflect upon the trauma that has been passed down through my family lineage, and to understand the ways in which my mother has also been shaped by it. This helps me to forgive the ways in which she has fucked me up. And it strengthens my resolve to break the wheel so that I don’t fuck up my own son. I’ve allowed myself to sit in my trauma, and forgiven myself even if others haven’t. It’s my trauma and I’ll cry if I want to.
Every family has some degree of intergenerational trauma. Trust me. Unless you belong to a family of purely enlightened spiritual beings who have effectively transmuted their anger into genuine sunshine and rainbows, your psyche will contain some remnants of trauma. If you are feeling even just a little bit triggered by my words, then you probably have some unresolved anger to work through. If you feel disgust towards me, if you hate me, if you want to stop reading, if you feel so triggered that you want to run off and write an article of your own in response to my words, then… you have some inner work to do. I know. It’s an inconconvenient truth. Sorry, not sorry. I forgive myself.
Yes, I realise that eventually I will have to relinquish and ‘transmute’ my anger. Trust me, I want to! But it’s a process. And processes must be honoured if they are to be navigated effectively. My well-meaning friend wasn’t ‘wrong’ to offer this advice. But she didn’t validate my feelings of anger. She was focused on the outcome, at the expense of the process. The transmuting of my anger will occur through the process of resolving and healing my anger, and its associated trauma. Trying to bypass this process will not be effective. Squashing anger only creates deeper anger. Invalidation of negative emotions is a trauma in itself!
Do I want people to be angry? No! I want people to be happy. I want the world to be positively transformed. Do I want rioting in the streets? No! I want world peace. Do I want to make people angry when they think they are happy? No! But I want people to explore their own darkness because it is the ONLY path to true healing and happiness.
Am I perfect? Absolutely not! Do I try to be perfect? Yes (it’s another of my schemas). Is it to my own detriment? Absolutely! Perfectionism hinders forgiveness. So, just let it go. Ha, just kidding. Just try to forgive yourself. And if that’s still too tricky, just allow yourself to be angry and try to remember that you won’t always be. But it’s your anger and you can feel it if you want to. Just, please, be careful what you do with it.
I recommend activism as a way to productively channel unresolved anger. Write to your local politicians. Ask them to explain their actions. Hold them to account. Holding others to account forces you to hold yourself to account. This is a theme of my own intergenerational trauma. But yours may be different. Try to figure out what your triggers are. Then try to have the courage to explore them. Reach out. Write to me if you want to vent. By all means, hold me accountable if you disagree and I am making you angry! Maybe we can transmute together?
