Please Donate To Our Introvert Rescue Park
Your Support Today Means Less Anxiety Tomorrow
Dear Fellow Introvert Lover,
We are writing today to ask for your assistance in expanding our Introvert Rescue Park. We have appreciated your generous support in the past, and your continued donations allow us to carry on our mission of saving introverts from shockingly uncomfortable social situations. Introverts like Tom.
Tom, 36, a chemical engineer from Sioux City, was at work designing better water-proof paint for commercial fishing vessels when he received an email titled, “Mandatory Team-Building Awesome-Fest!” Tom snagged a seat in the back row, intending to keep a low profile before getting back to his polymers. But then, disaster struck. The guest speaker, someone called Becki with an I, grinned an unhinged smile, pointed right at Tom, and said, “We’re going to kick things off with an icebreaker game! This guy’s gonna tell us the wackiest thing he wore in high school!”
Tom’s story is unconscionable, but sadly, he’s just one of many introverts who need your help. Stacey, 27, another introvert now in our care, has an equally harrowing story. Stacey was an idealistic new homeowner who made the fateful choice to volunteer as treasurer of her HOA. What seemed like an opportunity to get more experience with finance quickly turned into a nightmare. Chatty residents wanted Stacey’s immediate opinion on the appropriate height of fences and density of border hedges. She had to make phone calls to five different pool algae abatement specialists. At her lowest point, Stacey became trapped in a two-hour conversation with the HOA secretary about his niece’s performance in an equestrian tournament. Stacey’s emotional bandwidth became so dangerously depleted that she barely had the energy to microwave a Hot Pocket.
Fortunately, Tom and Stacey are both success stories and have found refuge at the Park. Since rescuing Tom from his team-building activity, he has retreated to a Man Cave where he paints little model boats for hours on end. Stacey now roams free in our 2000 square foot coffee shop where soothing indie folk music is pumped through the speakers and talking is highly discouraged. The Park includes multiple other habitats such a musty bookstore with seven-foot-high stacks of novels to crouch behind; an arts and crafts cottage where nobody is allowed to look at anyone else’s projects; and a pitch-black room for critical cases, such as accidentally having attended sports trivia night at a crowded bar.
We are asking for your donations via this letter today because introverts, while they can speak for themselves, really would prefer not to. Your donation will be used to fund expansion of the Your Bedroom wing of the Park, which we hope will be fully completed within the next 36 months. In this beautiful serene setting, rescued introverts will be able to spend hours on end in an exact replica of their bedrooms listening to NPR while receiving calming text messages that an event they have been dreading has been cancelled.
That’s why we’re asking if you will commit just $25 or more per month — less than $1 per day — to help Tom, Stacey, and countless of other introverts who as we speak are stuck in the middle seats on packed airplanes, attending baby showers of people they don’t like, or trying to escape pushy furniture salespeople. Together, we can end this crisis.
You can donate online or via check in the enclosed postage-paid envelope. Please do not, under any circumstances, call or drop by the Park to donate as this gives us anxiety.
Thank you in advance for your support.
Sincerely,
The Introvert Rescue Park Board of Directors
PS — Don’t forget to RSVP for our annual holiday charity auction this December, which involves staying home in your pajamas with a glass of Pinot Noir and bidding online from the device of your choice!
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