Planes, Trains, and Automobiles
I got a story.
It was my first trip to America after being hired as a cruise photographer, and this happened 15 years ago.
I was all excited. After finishing a short photography workshop and doing some volunteer work for a children’s organization within six months after applying for the position, I am coming to America to work on a big boat. The same one I have only watched as a kid on a black and white TV — the Love Boat.
I did it all in one year. Funny how so many things can happen in a year, and one hardly remembers years and decades of one’s life.
It felt that way. I was already 36, coming off from a four-year “break.” That break has always been an unwelcome visitor in my adult life.
I call it sadness; my doctors call it depression.
All it takes is one trigger, and I am off to a land where there is nobody else but myself. It was my La La Land, long before there was a movie of the same title.
Anchorage, Alaska
Who goes to Alaska on their first trip to America?
I didn’t mind. The only thing I know about Alaska was that it was a place where a favorite TV show was set. A fictional town in Alaska, the town was called Cicely, and the show was Northern Exposure.
By now, it’s two for two, the Love Boat and Northern Exposure. I take it as a sign of good things to come. Later on, it wasn’t entirely true — for Alaska and me, say hello to Sarah Palin.
I remember the welcome party outside the airport. At the same time, my perception then was: What a lovely thing to do by my American bosses. Still, we get a different perspective once we know the truth. They wanted to be sure that none of us escaped completely even before we started our contracts.
It happens.
I remember that day when we were billeted in a hotel. I needed to go out. I wanted to experience Alaska,
Will there be a moose in the streets?
It was the first question on my mind, I didn’t see a moose that day, but there will be a moose in this story.
All I saw was a convenience store and some friendly Americans who would stop to say hello. The hotel room reminds me of another movie, the one by Alfred Hitchcock. Yes, that one, where Janet Leigh took a shower and never came out of it alive. The shower curtain scene could be one of the reasons why Jake Gyllenhaal never or seldom showers.
I was set to join the ship as it arrives on the same day. Later on, I would understand how a cruise works. People embark, and -people disembark. In between — the crew will make sure that everything is perfect before the new cruise passengers arrive. It wasn’t called the Love Boat if it isn’t exciting and new, come aboard we’re expecting you … well, I hope that got you singing.
My batchmates and I are joining as crew members as first-time cruise photographers, but it was my first cruise for someone who grew up loving the TV show.
Everything happens fast when you join the ship as a crew member. From all the papers you need to sign, to being assigned a room, and by the way, we surrender our passport, maybe some people do try to leave, but my question is;
How does one leaves when you are at sea?
There was a safety training which I loved. I remember some of the people in the room are less attentive and are half asleep. Later on, in my later contracts, I would be the same.
But on that day, I came across one scary fact about this job. One can lose their arm or life if you pass through the water-tight door incorrectly or, worse, intoxicated. I now call it the dungeon. Death by guillotine is way too French for me. And there was an urban legend, as the story goes, it happened to one Italian crew member, as he was passing through the water-tight door, he raised his hands too long, long enough and said—
Mama Mia!
It is an ugly way to die. You would be reminded of a horror movie, The Saw.
In the hours that follow, there were more training and a scenic view of the Alaskan glaciers. And it was my first time as a cruise photographer to talk to people, disturbing their moment while watching in awe of the grandiose blocks of ice. Don’t get me wrong, they are beautiful, but that was also my first time to be told to go away,
Go away, You Asian!
In a derogatory tone.
Not all Americans are friendly, and not all Americans like Asians. But, unfortunately, it won’t be until 2020 when we see more of that happening, and Asians are now an easy target of hate and violence.
I don’t remember seeing snow while outside the ship. It was August, and it is still summer. I wish there were snow. Then it would be a dream come true to be throwing snowballs, especially at that American guy who made fun of my Asian accent.
On my first night, I was already feeling nauseous. After that, I started having serious doubts about why am I here and asking myself — to do what again?
Love boat is anything but lovely when you are seasick.
An Alaskan cruise is a 7-day cruise with two formal nights. On these nights, we have to dress up. So I needed to wear a bow tie, while the passengers wear their best, well, sort of their best.
But I was too seasick. Nothing can stop formal nights, not even the rough weather. The seasickness pill didn’t work. I had to be injected by a doctor with a more potent drug.
And that drug made me miss my first formal night and put me in dreamland. I don’t know what was in that injection, but I still remember calling Jack, seeing the necklace, and hearing Celine Dion sing.
I managed to finish my first cruise. However, sometime that week, I already knew I would be transferred to another ship, that I needed to go to Seattle. Even now, I can’t remember how I managed to get myself to the airport. I took a smaller, much smaller plane to Seattle, which leads me to another favorite movie, Sleepless in Seattle.
Another night in a hotel, and it is true what they say — it always rains in Seattle.
I was all alone this time, and because I was tired, I went to bed early as the ship arrived the following day. So it wasn’t all that sleepless that night.
Another day, at a new ship. And yes, another day of safety training from which I have to remember the looming horror of that water-tight door, the dungeon, and the guillotine.
I feel alone on the ship without any of my friends, but that didn’t last long. The photography team on all the ships is one of the most fun, eccentric group of people you will ever meet. We are all artists. Some have degrees in photography. Well, I was, for the most part, a self-taught photographer. Still, my Dad happens to be a photographer too.
I can still remember each one of them. They are all young women. Who came to work on cruise ships and experience travel outside of their own countries. They were all friendly and pretty. There was one from Australia, from the UK, from Mexico, three from South Africa. And this brought me to a childhood memory when I was a kid. I had to parade and pretend to be Mr. Czechoslovakia as part of the United Nations celebration every October of the year.
Why can’t I be Mr. USA? It was easier to pronounce.
I have a few more Alaskan cruises. That is what it said in the itinerary. I remember my first photo manager is an odd English man. He doesn’t seem to talk to me in the way the assistant photo manager from Mexico does, who happened to be my roommate.
He never liked me. I am one of the first Asian photographers on the fleet, and he would either assign me to be the moose or the bear. It was only when a senior photographer got sick that I started doing portraits. Then, one day, on another contract, I heard of the news he was being taken off the ship on a stretcher. They said he isn’t well. So it appears it wasn’t that he didn’t like me. He wasn’t mentally well.
I had to dress up as a moose and sometimes a bear, that is, my first gig as a mascot. At 36, I found it embarrassing. And passengers can get too excited. Hey, I don’t mind playing with the kids and have my picture taken with them, but seriously, adults?
But it was worse when we got to Mexico. I had to act like a loud drunk Mexican, which wasn’t funny, but the passengers loved it so much that we hit over budget in Mexico.
Some would even call me Speedy Asian Gonzales. Some would tell me, say, “Arriba, Arriba, Andale, Arriba!”
Even if they know there is a real person inside the costume. They treat you like you are a bear. I get a hard tap on my shoulders and at the back of my head. I feel bad for my women teammates who had to endure the harassment, mainly from American males.
I wasn’t very happy at sea, and I was planning to go home as soon as I save enough money to buy myself a plane ticket.
It wasn’t easy. Soon enough, I found out my salary is lower than that of my teammates because I am Asian. Well, the same goes for Mexicans and Indians.
I felt then what it must feel for female actors in Hollywood today. So I know how you feel, Patricia Arquette.
But the Universe has other plans for me, in December 2006, a new Internet manager arrives. At first, the girls from the team thought he fancied one of them. I knew he was eyeing me, none of my girl teammates have gaydars, but I do, and I also happen to be a gay man, so is the new Internet guy.
There was a section in the safety training about what crew members do when there is a fire. I can never forget the triangle of fire — heat, fuel, and an oxidizing agent. Back home, I also did the same training on how to put out a fire. But never in my wildest dream that on my first contract, on my first trip to America, on being with a man whom I thought would be the man of my life, Yes, I began dating the Internet guy, that one day on the coast of Acapulco, the ship’s fire alarm bells rang, the ship is burning.
The Internet guy and I hurriedly went to see each other. If we die, at least we kissed as lovers do.
Later on, crew members remembered our kiss and not the fire. We went to our assigned stations to watch the passengers. Even as we are faced with death, we have to think of others before ourselves. I never had a problem with that.
All I can think of that moment was the movie Titanic, not because the ship will sink, but that one of us will not survive. So I will be left with nothing of my ex-boyfriend but memories of him sinking and his body floating until he is placed in a body bag. And I lived to be as old as Rose in the movie while hanging to the hope of an ocean necklace. I don’t know why I thought that my ex-boyfriend is the one who would not survive the fire, and not me.
It was a sign that I missed looking back at it now.
We survived the fire, the passengers were all safe, and the love that I was trying to save, well, it did last for a while, but it ended soon after.
I did work for the cruise industry for four years, even rising above the ranks as an Assistant manager. Until a lousy manager felt I am too Asian to be his assistant. I packed my bags and went home, but first, I had to ask for my kept passport.
While for the most part, the cruise industry is a show of diversity. People from different countries working together to make an American vacation at sea a short lesson on humanity. We are all the same as long as we all speak English.
Isn’t that what Trump America is all about?
The years that followed, I hardly remember. First, I still worked as a photographer. Then, I became a political activist, a failed startup founder, a social media influencer, an extra on two movies. Yes, I did movies, one of which is now showing Netflix, and my Mom’s caregiver soon after.
I was my Mom’s companion on her dialysis treatments that went on for almost seven years. From someone who traveled the world, I only did travel once in those seven years.
It was a roller coaster ride, and at times I want to be back in a place where there is no one else but myself, the La La Land.
Depression came back with a vengeance when I thought I had finally beaten it and figured it out myself. I was constantly battling questions about who I am and where I am going next.
And the answers came this year, when my Mom passed away, not in the way as others we know have died, alone, and of a virus that we will never forget.
My Mom was in complete control of her death. She decided to stop her dialysis and spend what could be her best days as a mother, as a grandmother, as a great grandmother, and as a wife to my 82-year-old father.
Her death was beautiful. Her last words that she uttered were, “I love you.”
In those 21 days that she was dying, she made me feel that everything is OK between us. She loves me, and if there was anything that needs to be forgiven, that they were.
From the moment I took that plane to America, to the train ride that I was taking when I was working back home, to the automobile ride that we took as we laid my Mom to rest, all of these looking back happened because of the work I do right now, it was to prepare me to become a storyteller.
In 2010 I wrote this on my Facebook profile,
I think I want to be a writer…
And didn’t they say your past will come to haunt you, but this time it came back as a wish that came true.
So in 2021, I can, with humility, say that I am a writer.
I am writing this story at 4 a.m., armed with my pen and paper, while a man is fast asleep on my bed. How we met, and why he is on my bed, is stuff that reminds me of another movie, When Harry met Sally.
And that is for another story.
My other stories you may want to read:
- Space — Coffee, Dad?
- Death — My Laptop Is Dead, and How Do I Say Goodbye?
- Reentry — It Feels Like Family Again, but Where Is Mom?