WRITING WITH ELOQUENCE
Pigs Will Fly Before You Find a More Creative Way of Saying ‘No’
And that’s not hyperbole
Hyperbole. noun: extravagant exaggeration used to emphasise a point. But you knew that. Everyone knows that, except my brother-in-law. But he knows how to use it:
- “I could eat this for breakfast, lunch, and dinner until I die!”
- “This is the most awesome experience of my life!”
- “Can’t. I’ve got a million and one things to do today!”
All hyperbole.
Did you know it is pronounced hi-PER-boh-lee and not hi-per-bowl? (I only mention it because I made that mistake.)
The problem with hyperbole —
“Incredible!” “Amazing!” “Colossal!” “Stunning!” “Awesome!” “Monumental!” “Mega!” “Stupendous!” “Phenomenal!”
— is if everything is so wonderful, it doesn’t leave you anywhere to go.
And it is a tiny bit irksome. I mean, the crazy golf was fun, but we didn’t need to drop to our knees and bow down like it was God’s golf course.
There’s nothing worse. Yes, that's hyperbole, too. There is always something worse.
There is flim-flam, there is an exaggeration and then there is hyperbole. You can use hyperbole to add colour to a character or humour to a story.
We have a talented user here on Medium. Uvebruce is a hi-PER-boh-lee black belt:
“Fuck I hate Starbucks. I just paid 82 000 quid for a piece of coconut cake that had no coconut, too much baking powder, and shitty icing. But it was a bonding moment, so worth it I guess.”
Uvebruce nailed it. Imagine if he had exaggerated by a small amount: I just paid 20 quid for a piece of coconut cake — Meh! Not funny.
Or if he had chosen a larger amount: I just paid 20 million quid for a piece of coconut cake — Still not funny.
“82 000 quid for a piece of coconut cake,” — Made me spurt my coffee.
In another brilliant humour piece, Uvebruce’s master exaggeration is actually impossible.
“As part of my research, I spent 927 hours on PORNHUB these past 2 days. So much gasping and moaning and talking.”
There are only 48 hours in two days. He’s not telling us Too Much Information (TMI). He is making sure the exaggeration is so obvious you don’t mistake his impossible hyperbole for anything other than satire.
It is that impossible hyperbole that I am really here to tell you about. Pigs will fly before you find a more creative way to say ‘no’ is not hyperbole, it’s adynaton.
The impossible rhetoric
Adynaton is Greek for impossible and as a rhetorical device, it is a delightful way of saying ‘no’.
Alison McPherson was the most beautiful girl ever to breathe air into her lovely lungs. When I saw her sitting alone in the school canteen, I took my spaghetti bolognese and sat opposite her.
I displayed my dimples. “Would you like to go on a date?”
“Not until you are the last person on earth.” She said, returning my smile.
I didn’t think about it until afterward, but if I was the last person on earth, she wouldn’t be here (adynaton). Alison had other options:
- “Sure, just as soon as all the seas run dry and the moon turns into the sun.”
- “If you can get blood from a stone and a penny from a Scotsman, yes.”
- “When you can squeeze yourself into a genie’s bottle and grant yourself a wish.”
“I have a snowball’s chance in hell of passing that test.” — Catch-22.
We use adynaton in everyday conversations, sometimes without even thinking:
- “I could eat a horse.”
- “I could sleep for a week.”
- “I know exactly what you are thinking.”
It’s useful for creating emphasis and amusing effects. And it isn’t just for comic purposes. By using extravagant statements, you can make ordinary human feelings extraordinary.
“I’ll love you, dear, I’ll love you Till China and Africa meet, And the river jumps over the mountain And the salmon sing in the street, I’ll love you till the ocean Is folded and hung up to dry And the seven stars go squawking Like geese about the sky …”
— As I Walked Out One Evening, W. H. Auden
Imagine loving someone so much that you are moved to make up lines like those. Yes, they are impossible, but it is the thought that counts.
We can’t ignore Shakespeare in this. He was the master of the impossible.
“I would have given all the kingdoms of this world to have a pound of your love.”
— The Taming of the Shrew
“Will all great Neptune’s ocean wash this blood Clean from my hand?”
— Macbeth
I would give my right arm to be as ambidextrous as Shakespeare.
Adynaton tends to come in two forms:
- ‘Not until…’
- hell freezes over.
- the sun rises in the west and sets in the east.
- Medium boosts all my articles.
2. ‘You might as well try to…’
- get a man to admit he is lost.
- shave a gorilla and ask it to dance the Charleston.
- have just the one small glass of wine.
The last one might just be me.
Adynaton has as many possibilities as there are stars in the universe. But not everything impossible is adynaton.
“Thus she had lain sugarcane sweet deserts her hair golden her feet mountains her breasts two Niles her tears.” — Africa, Maya Angelou
Isn’t that lovely?
You might think she couldn’t possibly have gold feet or mountains for breasts and as impossible as the others are, it is not adynaton. Maya Angelou is using her poetic licence — like the great poet she is.
It can also be a little confusing: ‘A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.’ Is it, or isn’t it?
Hop over to Etsy, and you will find all manner of T-shirts, ceramic mugs, and canvas bags referencing that piece of scathing wisdom. It might be adynaton, or it might not.
The idea is, you want to create your own unique piece of adynaton. Have it on the back burner for any situation when you want to say, ‘Just go away and leave me alone.’
It’s got to be better than a point-blank ‘No’ or ‘Can I take a raincheck’. Have fun with it. Have your characters have fun with it.
Adynaton might be impossible, but it’s all part of its superlative charm.
Malky McEwan
If you want to be sassy, stylish, or convincing, you might also like another in this Writing with Eloquence series—