LIFE

Pigs Are Flying — Retailers are Rethinking Self-Checkout?

Hell hath frozen over

I pause mid-scroll and catch the headline.

I am dubious.

“Wal-Mart, Costco and Other Companies Rethink Self-Checkout”

Is the world suddenly rotating backwards?

Has AI been stopped in its tracks?

Has there been a crack in the matrix vortex?

Are companies actually (gasp!) listening to customer complaints and recalibrating the Greed Ship, the one that told us hiring more humans would make prices go up… yet it’s 2023, every place has self-checkout and yep, prices went up anyway?

I dive into the details.

I see it’s not just about customer complaints — surprise, surprise — they’ve also been losing money. Jessie-Mae can’t be bothered to know the difference between this type of apple and another.

Memories of self-checkout brain-clashes in my own life come rushing back. The pissed-off, rebel-against-the-man voice in my head chanting, “If they can’t be bothered and are making me do the work here, then yes, get the more expensive organic apples and then ‘accidentally’ select the image for normal apples.” Score!

It’s not cool, it’s shoplifting. Or in retail terms, “shrink.”

But my usual follow-the-rules, good-citizen mentality has been short-circuited by this nonsense. They don’t pay me enough to do the checking out for them and get everything right.

I flash back to the 3–4 times I angrily snarled at the poor store associate stationed by the door —

“Wait, I need to see your receipt.”

I wave it in the air and glide past — “Look, Lowe’s is trusting me to do the checking out myself, apparently. You can’t have it both ways. I did my part as an unpaid helper-employee for y’all, so bye.”

It was rude, sure, and not the employee’s fault — and I had nothing to hide, as I’d done self-checkout correctly. But that affront has felt real after each self-checkout experience, despite its sometimes-convenience.

The article goes on.

Damn, son, some consumers have been raging against the machine! The blatant audacity. Attaching barcodes from a 99-cent item to their wrists and scanning it instead of the pork loin or steak?

Slick bro. Turns out 900,000 cameras aiming right at ya don’t do jack if there aren’t humans (problem: paying a human) to monitor it.

I’m reminded of the aural assault.

Unexpected item in the bagging area!

An associate is on the way to assist!

That alcohol you’ve purchasing requires a human to approve!

Gosh, yeah, this has really been an improvement, guys, thanks for that.

But I read on and my faith is restored in the Capitalistic Machine. Target, Costco and Home Depot aren’t rethinking it despite ten years of customer complaints; they’re rethinking it because they’re losing money.

Ah, got it, guys.

Guess those higher prices from inflation aren’t helping your bottom lines. Or maybe they’re going to your C-suite bonuses so little Kimmy can get her third yacht to compete with the Hamptons set.

It was a fun ponder while it lasted.

But for now, I’m gonna ride this pink pig balloon through the sky and be deeply content that every so often in American consume culture, pigs do fly.

© Joe Guay, 2023

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