Phobia
a poem
Science names you Orthoptera grillidae, mole cricket, camel cricket, hump-backed and cave, forgetting to deem you demonic. You sit there, fat and bent, legs like volcanoes rising ready to burst and spit. You remain. Salty rivers crest on cue at the sight of you, blood pools within me, no vein permitting passage, breathing choked still by your ash and grime and grin. My voice, restrained by your bloody black stripes that wrap around your thick form. They hop like bunnies, they hop like bunnies, they hop like bunnies…” Whispers too silent, I remain tethered, spine pressed to the wall
Everyone that knows me well at all knows I have a terrible, crippling, irrational fear of camel crickets. This, of course, is a medical condition (treatable with therapy and perhaps anxiety medication) but it is embarrassing nonetheless.
I have worked very hard at times to overcome this, other times have injured myself trying to get away from them, or stood sometimes for a very long period of time, frozen and sobbing silent tears. And yes, I used to repeat the mantra “they hop like bunnies.” I have no idea where I came up with that, but sometimes it worked if I had my eyes closed.
There is no medical term for the fear of camel crickets; that is to say, there is not as far as the limited research on the subject can tell. Although Orthopterophobia covers the fear of crickets, it does not specify this species exactly. I have been suffering from this phobia since I was 19…let’s see…math in my head…that makes it 26 years.
26 YEARS.
And this long amount of time has passed and I posted a random picture because I am unable to look at pictures of them.
I wrote this poem years ago for therapeutic reasons, but thought I’d share for those others who are suffering from this same affliction. (And you are welcome — I didn’t share a picture — even looking at the words (insert various names of the cricket-thing here) is nearly unbearable for me.
Even talking about it can give me a panic attack.
A phobia is a type of anxiety disorder that causes an individual to experience extreme, irrational fear about a situation, living creature, place, or object. When a person has a phobia, they will often shape their lives to avoid what they consider to be dangerous. The imagined threat is greater than any actual threat posed by the cause of terror. Phobias are diagnosable mental disorders. The person will experience intense distress when faced with the source of their phobia. This can prevent them from functioning normally and sometimes leads to panic attacks.
I encourage you today to always work toward progress. I wish I could write more on the subject now, share my story (someday I will), but for now this is as much as I am able to share.
Until next time Fiddleheads ~