SATIRE
“Peter Piper” Popped a Pickled Pecker
Pecker Sighting Reported
Bodacious Media has just learned that a very inebriated David Pecker was recently spotted leaving “Happy Chaps,” a gay strip club on the arm of its principal dancer, known only as “Peter Piper.”
According to our source, the unfortunately named former head of American Media Inc. CEO and publisher of such outstanding publications as “The National Enquirer” and “Flex” was so drunk, he could barely stand.
“He was disheveled and spouting gibberish,” said the source. “But every now and then, he’d shout out something intelligible, like “Fuck The Donald!”
The source, who spotted the duo while separating whites from colors in a laundromat across the street, added that, in spite of Pecker’s over-served state, “The two were groping the heck out of one another.”
Under investigation for “catch and kill” tactics, in which AMI made payments for the exclusive rights to any stories that might damage the Orange Troll’s already sullied reputation — for example, the squashing of Karen McDougal’s reveal of their alleged affair — Pecker was ultimately granted immunity in exchange for testifying that the OT was in full knowledge of the payoffs, as well as admitting to gangster/attorney Michael Cohen’s involvement with same.
To his credit, Cohen is fully cooperating with prosecutors from the major economic crimes bureau. As for Pecker, in addition to his involvement in the McDougal mess, the former tabloid king was allegedly privy to key details on discussions that took place involving Stormy Daniels, the surgically-enhanced adult film star who allegedly knocked boots with POTUS, as well as agreements that were made with former Trump lawyer Michael Cohen.
Cohen is cooperating with the investigation. Pecker is expected to continue talking with prosecutors, sources said.
“He may be richer than God, but Pecker’s a skeevy-looking guy,” offered the source. “And that dancer was hot. I’m not into guys — yet — but the dude was built. I don’t know how he could stand touching that old fart.”
Finally, when asked if he saw anything else, our source finished with, “Yeah. I saw them climb into an Uber — Pecker was practically tossed in by his ass — and before it pulled away, they got into a hot clinch. I’m no fool. I know what they were going off to do.”
The tabloid king’s wife, Karen, who, when photographed with her husband, looks like she’d rather be anywhere else than with the pecker she married, could not be reached for comment.
Sherry McGuinn is a longtime Chicago-area writer and award-winning screenwriter. Her work has appeared in The Chicago Tribune, Chicago Sun-Times, and numerous other publications. Sherry’s manager is currently pitching her newest screenplay, a drama with dark, comedic overtones and inspired by a true story.
Thank you for reading! If you’re up for more:
And please check out the great writers in my pub, Rogues’ Gallery.
