FICTION/HUMOR

Pet Peeves

Think twice before you take that handicap space

Alice ran (if you could call it running with her bum knee) through the rain across the parking lot of the Dixie-Pub Pharmacy to return her cart to the cart corral. The dense milky fog had settled and she worried that someone might hit the cart if she left it loose. Alice didn’t like to be the cause of inconvenience.

Leroy Feinheiser, three times deployed and now home for good, drove his specially outfitted van twice around the parking lot and now waited for one of the two handicapped accessible spaces where he could lower his wheelchair ramp. He needed to pick up his medication.

Shirley Sommerfield had just run in for a few essentials, a lottery ticket, a bottle of Chardonnay, and some water-proof mascara. Shirley had to hurry because she had a late appointment for a manicure. The handicapped space was the closest and her manicurist didn’t like to be kept waiting.

Leroy was fed up! He’d been through this too many times, taking down license plate numbers, calling the cops, complaining to the manager of the store. Still, nothing had changed. This time though, Leroy was prepared. This time he was packin’.

Shirley sprinted on her kitten heels and lithely hopped into the driver’s seat. Leroy took aim. Before she could close the door to her fire-engine red Lexis LC 500, she was hit in the left arm. Red spattered her face and the windshield.

Alice and her cart were just feet away. Alice and Shirley screamed in unison as Leroy raised his arm and threw again. The weapon of choice this time was not the balloon filled with water and red food coloring, but an egg. He had a dozen of those and pelted the car.

Shirley dialed 911 on her new i-phone 11 Pro.

Alice figured out what was happening and smiled, giving Leroy a thumbs up.

Sirens sounded in the distance. Leroy pulled the van behind the Lexis and turned off the engine. He was not a man to run from his convictions. Alice, a partner in the prestigious law firm of Shoulda and Toldya, knew that she should not leave the scene. Leroy opened the passenger door and invited her to climb in and get out of the heat. She left her cart next to the Lexis and enjoyed the air conditioning as the sirens got louder.

The young cops took the statements during which Shirley screamed that Leroy was a maniac and should be locked up. She would sue! Alice told them she was Leroy’s attorney and would file a counter-suit at which point Shirley quieted down a bit.

Alice and Leroy went out for dinner. They had a lovely time and discovered that they had a number of things in common. Both considered wayward shopping carts and misuse of handicapped parking spaces at the top of their list of pet peeves.

They arranged a second date.