Peru and Ayahuasca Diaries
August 19th, Saturday — The 4th Ceremony
Yesterday, the entire day was quite terrible due to the pain and exhaustion from the previous session, and also the fear of the upcoming session.
It’s very hard to describe the pain I went through during the Thursday session. I writhed, groaned like wounded animals, crawled on the floor, and felt like I had lost my humanity. I hardly slept at night, and the nightmares continued to plague me when I was awake. Moreover, it was probably the hottest day here, and despite taking two showers, I stink.
I spent most of the day changing my place continuously to avoid the sun and the heat a bit, and lying on the floor of my hut and the neighboring empty hut, thinking. I concluded that it was completely foolish to put oneself through this torture by coming here traveling thousands of miles, and even paying money.
Tom wouldn’t participate in the 4th and last session because the shamans advised him not to. Margreth, on the other hand, had stated that she would only come to the Maloca for the last night before the journey just to listen to the icaros, and wouldn’t take any medicine. So, I was the only one who would take ayahuasca that night.
The reason I decided to take ayahuasca once more in this final session was my weakest hope that something good might happen. I didn’t want to leave here with the memory of that dark state of mind and remember the experience of fear and hatred. However, as I said, my hope that something good would happen that night was quite low.
Around 7:30 PM, I went to the Maloca with the feeling of a sacrificial lamb. Since I was afraid to sit in the maloca alone in the dark, I sat outside alone for a while. However, the attack of the flies became unbearable, and I had no choice but to sit inside alone until Margreth arrived. I turned my flashlight on from time to time. Then Margreth arrived first, followed by Emilio and his girlfriend. Margreth reminded me to take a very small dose, and I was already thinking the same way.
Emilio prepared the medicine. I took a very small portion, about a quarter of a cup. It was the same powerful medicine as the day before, and it tasted terrible even though I drank very little.
At first, I thought it wouldn’t affect me much. However, slowly, images began to appear. Beautiful childlike pictures, flowers, wonderful colors, one after the other. The whole ceremony went on this way.
I didn’t notice Emillio’s voice during the previous agonizing session. But in this session, I realized how magnificent his voice’s tone and singing technique were. He had a powerful and unique voice with strong and interesting vibrations, like a blues singer. I don’t know how he does it, but the vibrations he created while singing seemed to have the effect of some other singer doing background vocals. Since I was the only one who took ayahuasca, he mostly sang facing me, and it felt like I was having a private concert, and I listened with gratitude and a feeling of privilege. I tried to sit with my upper body facing him to allow him to sense my energy field. But this beautiful state of relaxation and happiness also brought me the sleep I hadn’t had for days. Pictures, a mix of dreams and visions, were all part of the night, and I finished the night in great happiness.
After Emilio left, Margreth and I shared our experiences with joy and excitement. Since there was no restriction on touching other people, we hugged each other We had conquered a great mountain of pain together and felt as if we had survived.
When I went to my room, I couldn’t sleep for a while due to excitement and happiness, and then I had a restful and good sleep. I woke up at 6 feeling quite refreshed.
It’s 7 a.m. now. We’ll have breakfast soon and head towards Pucallpa together.
If I hadn’t joined this last session and had spent the night in my room, what I would say about this place and ayahuasca would just be disappointment and regret. I’m glad I didn’t give in to fear and went to Maloca last night. The deep fear and pain caused by ayahuasca, the discomfort of this place, the unbearable heat, the crazy mosquitoes, awful food, and, above all, being without a phone and internet, not being able to receive any news from loved ones, the sense of worry and loneliness. All these above are not things that can be easily accepted or overlooked at any stage of this process.
However, the indescribably beautiful happiness that comes from overcoming pain and entering a state of pure joy and tranquillity more than makes up for everything. This alone makes it all worth it. I thought, that even if the rest of my life is ordinarily dull and I can continue from where I left off, just living through this experience has definitely brought about irreversible changes in the rest of my life journey. In this regard, I recommend the ayahuasca journey to anyone who believes they can endure the entire process. However, I want to emphasize once again that this is a very challenging healing process and should never be taken lightly at any stage. Ayahuasca is no joke.
From this point on, after a brief summary section, this journal will turn into a travelogue. But throughout the rest of my journey, I will write as much as I can so that I can convey these two weeks as a whole and capture the post-ayahuasca feelings and thoughts.
I think I lost a few pounds. Not seeing a mirror for a week was a luxury. What I want most is to get back to the internet, call home, and hopefully hear that everyone is okay and tell those who are wondering about me, “I made it, I’m fine.”
I will miss this very uncomfortable room, or maybe I’m saying that with the romance of the moment. But even if I don’t miss it, I’m sure I’ll always remember it.
