How your personality changes after surviving narcissistic abuse
The effects of narcissistic abuse don’t end when you make the decision to go separate ways. This is how your personality changes.
by: E.B. Johnson
Narcissistic abuse is one of the hardest tribulations we can overcome in this life. It completely destroys our sense of self and erodes our confidence over time. Even if you manage to escape narcissistic abuse, its effects are long-lasting and can follow you for years and years to come. It shifts our world perspective and can even result in major changes to our personality — changes which can have a major impact on our lives.
Surviving narcissistic abuse requires us to engage in active self-healing, and that often begins with internal acknowledgement. We have to look at the way we’ve allowed ourselves to be changed, and compare those changes against the person we authentically desire to be. By arming ourselves in understanding, and getting set on protecting the wellbeing and needs that are rightfully ours, we can find our way back to freedom. It’s a process that requires us to dig deep, however, and look at the bigger picture that’s waiting for us on the other side.
Narcissistic abuse is everywhere.
We hear a lot about physical and emotional abuse, but what of narcissistic abuse? This type of manipulation and control can be a slow and insidious sort, creeping in over our relationships and destroying our sense of self before we know what’s happening. When we become victims of narcissistic abuse, we completely lose sight of our value and the value of our needs and our dreams. We drop our boundaries and surrender control to another person, and with that we surrender pieces of our personality and our happiness.
Narcissistic abuse refers to the behaviors and coping mechanisms narcissists use within their relationships or against their partners. These behaviors erode their partner’s self-esteem, and can even dramatically shift their personalities. It’s a toxic way to live and one that has lasting effects for the victims involved.
Narcissistic abuse occurs through verbal abuse, emotional manipulation, and even all-out campaigns of fear, threats and terror. A narcissist is unable to see the inherent value in anyone else, because they are only able to see their own needs, desires and perspectives. Breaking free of them is only the first step in healing. In order to fully thrive in the wake of narcissistic abuse, we have to understand how this abuse impacts us and then work to correct it through self-love and understanding.
The telltale signs of narcissistic abuse.
When we’re victims of narcissistic abuse, there are a number of telltale signs that can help warn us and help us protect ourselves and our wellbeing. We don’t have to accept the poor treatment and behavior of the narcissists in our lives, we can find freedom and happiness again but we have to know how to spot the signs that we’re being put down and walked over.
Walking on eggshells
When you build a life with a narcissist, you’re building a life on shifting sands. Narcissists are inherently emotional and rely on their emotions to manipulate the feelings and behaviors of those around them. If you question them, or even call them out on the way they behave — they’ll react with rage, sorrow, and even terror in order to put you back in your place and get what they want. Living with a narcissist means walking on eggshells and constantly gauging your speech and behavior in order to avoid upsetting them or driving them away.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a hot-button term and one that is (understandably) becoming increasingly popular in today’s world. It’s a complex and multi-faceted means of manipulation, and one in which bases itself around 4 primary techniques: withholding, countering, blocking, trivializing and denial. When you speak up about an issue, or something that troubles you, the narcissist will deny it, minimize it and then react with anger and indignation of their own. It causes the victim to question their own emotions, desires and sanity. Over an even greater length of time, the victim who is destroyed by insecurity and made completely unsure of themselves.
Zero sense of trust
There can be no true trust or stability when it comes to narcissistic abuse, because destabilization is one of the core tactics narcissists use to get what their way. In order to ensure that you’re too confused, upset, or off-center to question them, the narcissist has to drive you constantly to the point of mistrust before reeling you back in with kindness. By destabilizing your sense of reality, they cause you to question yourself (rather than them) and this erodes any true and lasting trust that the relationship requires.
Putting aside your needs
In the world of the narcissist, everything is about them, and only their needs are important. One of the trademark signs that you’re suffering narcissistic abuse is a constant dismissal of your needs. The abuser dismisses and diminishes your needs to the point that you begin to do the same. Any time you’re given a choice between yourself and the narcissist, you’re coached to choose them and — little by little — you learn to put your needs in a box and pack them away out of sight and out of mind.
Shriveling world
Have you noticed that your world is shrinking? Are your social circles or professional opportunities getting smaller and smaller on the back of your relationship? Narcissists require us to shrink our worlds, and that’s especially true when it comes to narcissistic abuse. In order to get away with their terror and manipulations, the narcissist (like all abusers) isolates you and drives you away from any points of center that might otherwise direct you toward your limits and your boundaries.
Always shouldering blame
Along with sidelining their own needs, victims of narcissistic abuse are forced to shoulder the blame when things go wrong or their abusers make a mistake. In the narcissist’s world, they can do no wrong. Whether they make a genuine mistake, or are just faced with the natural challenges of life, they shift the blame to their partner. The victim is then forcedto internalize this blame in order to keep their abuser happy, or keep their relationship “alive”. It becomes a pattern, and one that can follow the victim even after the abuse has ended.
Instability and insecurity
Instability and insecurity are the key to the narcissistic abuser’s game. If you feel as though you can’t ever get a straight answer from your partner, or if you feel as though you’re constantly off-foot with them; that’s no mistake. Narcissistic abusers use this back-and-forth instability in order to make you insecure. The more insecure you are, the more you will look to them and come to rely on their emotional manipulations as the only means to be happy.
How our personalities change after narcissistic abuse.
Whether you’re the victim of narcissistic abuse for a few weeks or a few years, the consequences can be far-reaching and long-lasting. Narcissistic abuse destroys our sense of self, and it can destroy our personalities as well. We change through the pain and instability that narcissism relies, and we change who we are in order to survive its massive effects.
Bottomed-out confidence
Perhaps the biggest effect of narcissistic abuse on our personalities is the erosion of confidence it inevitably leads to. Narcissists have to destroy our confidence, in order to destroy any questioning we might do and to corrode any boundaries we might set. When you know your worth, you can see through the flimsy manipulations of a narcissist, and you stand up for yourself and the things you need. That’s something the narcissist abuser can’t tolerate, because they require complete control of their partners, friends and even family.
Constant internalization
That feeling of blame you’re carrying around all the time? That habit of taking on thee world’s problems, rather than seeing to your own? This isn’t an accidental pattern. It’s often the result of narcissistic abuse. If your once strong personality is now heavy with blame and an almost-indescribable sense of worthlessness — it might be a result ofnarcissistic abuse. Narcissists force us to accept the blame for their mistakes, as well as the natural misfortunes of life. Over time, this (coupled with our loss of confidence) creates a person who constantly sacrifices themselves on the altar of internalized blame.
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
There are some who think that conditions like PTSD are limited only to soldiers or those with extreme physical trauma, but nothing could be further from the truth. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder can occur any time we are involved in an experience or event that dramatically and fundamentally destabilizes who we are or what we believe. Narcissistic abuse does just that, and can leave us feeling lost and exhausted on the other side.
Insecure attachment
Because narcissistic abuse is so destabilizing, it impacts the way we connect and attach to others — which can have a serious effect on who we are and how we approach our lives and connections. Insecure attachment occurs when we learn that it isn’t safe to love someone, or to open up to them, and we begin to either avoid attachment, become anxious about it, or use some combination of the two which makes our relationships combustible and volatile. The longer you undergo this type of abuse, the more distorted and fearful your world view can become; shifting your perspective and personality in dramatic ways.
Even more narcissism
Living and loving in the shadow of a narcissist can (sadly) result in narcissistic tendencies of our own. As humans, we are social creatures and we are creatures who tend to mimic the behavior we come to see as “normal”. The longer you exist within a world of narcissistic diminishment, the more you might come to believe that is a normal and acceptable way to live and interact. In turn, you might begin to exhibit narcissistic qualities of your own, and become cold to things like empathy and compassion for others.
Superficiality
There’s a certain amount of superficiality that’s required to live with or love a narcissist, and that can permeate into our personalities. With narcissists, you can’t be honest or open about how you’re feeling. You have to smile even though you don’t mean it and pretend to be happy and engaged, or risk being rejected. This becomes a norm, and you carry this into your outward life — faking emotions you don’t feel, and going along with people and decisions you resent or disagree with altogether.
Crippled communication skills
Though you might have been a gregarious or outgoing person before your relationship with a narcissist, you might find yourself struggling to open up and communicate with others as openly or effectively as you did before. That’s because it’s not safe to express yourself as a victim of narcissistic abuse, and it’s not safe to open up or share what you’re feeling or what’s important to you. It cripples your communication skills, which can cripple your friendships, your outlook, and even overall personality.
The best ways to rebuild yourself after narcissistic abuse.
Whether you make the decision to stay with your partner, or you’ve already called it quits and freed yourself from the narcissist in your life — these are the best ways to rebuild yourself and your future in the wake of narcissistic abuse.
1. Arm yourself with understanding
Understanding and awareness are some of the greatest weapons we have to combat narcissistic abuse and the long-lasting effects it leaves us with in the aftermath. The more we understand how narcissists work, the better we are able to see the damage that has been inflicted in our own lives. This new knowledge to hand, we can then make a plan to course-correct the damage and become a full and complete version of ourselves again.
Learn everything you can about narcissists and how they work. Don’t be afraid to make comparisons where they cannot be avoided, and don’t be afraid to see yourself in the victims and the horrible effects the abuse can leave.
The more you know, the more you will come to understand yourself and how you’ve reacted to the abuse you’ve suffered. You’ll see the little pieces of your personality that have slunk away in shame, and you’ll be able to see what needs to be clawed back and what needs to be let go. Don’t shy away from the brutal truth. Don’t be afraid to be brutally honest with yourself, about yourself and about your partner too. Once you understand and embrace what’s happening, you can get proactive about fixing it.
2. Know your worth
Knowing our worth is a powerful thing, and it makes us less willing to compromise on the things that matter. We have just as much of a right to happiness and power in this world as anyone else. Relationships aren’t about subjecting one another, they’re about building something together. When you know the value of what you’re bringing to the table, you will refuse to let those important pieces of self to be ripped away or otherwise denied.
Begin embracing the fact that you are as worthy and deserving as anyone else on this planet. You deserve love. You deserve respect. You deserve to have the things you want when you work hard and work faithfully toward them. Use this knowledge to stand up for the things that are important to you and make it the foundation of everything that you do.
“I have a right to this.” Say it to yourself at least 3x a day and believe it. Stop allowing someone else takes the place you were meant to reside in and start embracing the sanctity of your own life. Forget looking at things in terms of them vs. you — and know that your journey is the only one you are responsible for. When you know your worth, you’ll stop accepting poor behavior and limiting partners who detract from who we are. When you see that you have just as much right to happiness as anyone else, you’ll ensure you get it.
3. Lean into boundaries
Boundaries are incredible things, and they help us to safeguard our wellbeing and define our relationships in more stable and efficient ways. When you rely on your boundaries to reaffirm the lines of who you truly are and what you want — you make it easier for those around you to understand what’s expected of them. You also make it easier for yourself to express your needs, and easier for the world around you to understand where the limits lie and why. Lean into your boundaries if you want to learn how to defend yourself against future narcissistic invasions.
Love your boundaries. Celebrate them. If you don’t know what they are, start spending regular time alone with yourself and think through the things that can help you to define them. Ask yourself probing questions like “How do I expect to be treated?” or “What quality of person can I not tolerate in my space?” These answers can go a long way in determining what matters to you, and what doesn’t.
Spend as much time as you need getting familiar with your boundary lines, but don’t just stop there. The most important part of leaning into your boundaries, however, is not simply setting them. It’s learning to follow through on them. If you say something is a “no-go” zone, then ensure that you activate the consequences when that line is crossed. Rather than means ending your relationship, or just a certain aspect of it, then that’s what it means. Stop allowing yourself to be bulldozed or otherwise bullied into a corner where your boundaries are concerned.
4. Celebrate who you are (and who you want to be)
A great way to getting back on track to who you are is by learning how to celebrate that person. Narcissists drive us away from our authenticity, because this instability makes it easier for them to keep control. When we not only embrace who we are, but celebrate it, we take back our power and remove control from someone who would otherwise belittle that beauty. Celebrate and learn how to celebrate who you want to be. Stop allowing the opinions of someone else impactswhat you know you’re meant to do.
Consider your strengths. Consider your weaknesses too. Look at them both side by side to see the complete picture they create. You may already celebrate some of your strengths, but you need to learn to celebrate your weaknesses too. Don’t allow the diminishments of a narcissist to keep you from seeing thee silver lining in things you might otherwise see as shortcomings.
Celebrate who you are, but get used to looking toward your future self as well. Envision who you want to be in 10 or 20 years from now. Focus on that image and use it to inspire yourself out of the path of narcissistic abuse. Acknowledge the strides you’ve made every time you take a step toward becoming that person. Don’t downplay your achievements no matter how small they might appear. Any movement forward (and away from a narcissist) is a move in the right direction. Celebrate who you are and get used to celebrating the steps you take toward becoming the person you’ve always wanted to be.
5. Tap into your support networks
Our support networks can be invaluable in the battle to win back the pieces of who we are. Through our friends, family and loved ones, we see a bigger and more complete picture of the value that we bring to this world. They often see us in the best light when all we can see is the bad stuff; and they often see strengths that we are unable to accept in the midst ofbelittlement and sorrow. Tap into your support networks if you want to get back to who you are, and let them be the guiding light back to your personality.
Reach out to the friends and family who matter most. Open up about your experiences and let them know the emotional lay of the land at the moment. Let your support networks do what they’re meant to do: support. Don’t be afraid to let them see you as you think you are, so they can show you who you really are.
When we open up to our loved ones, we can find our confidence again and find inspiration (and motivation) to break free of the narcissistic abuse that is destroying our sense of self. Don’t allow any lengthy separation or awkward internalizations keep you from reaching out to the people who want to help you most. Lean into your support networks and allow them to support you when you feel as though you aren’t able to keep moving forward. There is no shame in relying on others for comfort or help.
6. Fall in love with yourself
There is no one on this planet that is capable of loving you as fully as you are capable of loving yourself. That’s because you are the only person who has a front-row seat to every experience you’ve ever had, and every aspect of who you are. You are the only one who will ever see the full range of your skills and faults and then be there with you at the end regardless of them and in spite of them. When you love yourself, you learn how to love others — and you learn how to overcome those who tried to deny who you are.
Spend some time falling in love with yourself (again or for the first time). Build a daily routine of “you time” that allows you to get one-on-one with this body and this person that you will be spending time with forever.
Look at your strengths. Revel in them. Acknowledge the value they bring to your life and the opportunities they’ve created for you. Consider — fully — how they make you a more unique and well-rounded person. Then, spend some time with your weaknesses and listen to the lessons they have to teach you. When you learn how to fall in love with both, you learn how to fall in love with who you are. Let go of the mistakes, hold on to the lessons, and understand that you are not defined by your experiences. You’re defined by your reactions to them.
Putting it all together…
Narcissistic abuse is a hard hurdle to overcome, but it’s one that can be managed when we increase our knowledge and confidence in self. This type of abuse is slow, subtle and insidious — completely destroying any sense of self and stability that we try to establish in our relationships. Breaking free of it is hard to process, but accepting its impacts after-the-fact (and correcting them) is often an even harder journey. We can navigate it, though, when we double down and commit to finding our own authentic joy again.
Arm yourself with understanding and learn everything about narcissists, and how they work to destroy who we are and control our behavior. We are the ones who decide how people are going to treat us. Use knowledge to confront the ways in which you are being manipulated, controlled, or otherwise separated from your true self. Know your worth and understand that you have a right to protect your wellbeing. Lean into your boundaries and don’t be afraid to follow through with appropriate consequences where necessary. Celebrate who you are and stop allowing your self-confidence and belief to be eroded by someone who only cares about their own selfish needs. Tap into your support networks and let them be the mirror that can inspire you to see the beauty in who you still are. Just because you have been changed by the abuse does not mean you cannot be made better and stronger than you ever were before. Commit to thriving in the wake of narcissistic abuse and do it by learning how to fall in love with yourself each and every day.
