Personal Empowerment Isn’t Loud

And why ‘loud empowerment’ never worked in my intimate relationships.

I used to think of empowerment as an outfit I would wear- like the equivalent of a power suit for women lawyers in the 80’s. It was something I could put on so others would see me as an equal, and so I could puff myself up in the image of that which I was trying to imitate: an outgoing, confident, ‘empowered’ woman.

This image of power is almost identical to that of an extrovert- confident in speech and demeanor, loved among people, and publicly realized. Their strong personalities, witty comments, and shining voices captivated my love and attention from a young age, and I’ve compared myself to this archetype ever since.

Ironically, the most empowering events in my life haven’t been ‘loud’.

Which leads me to wonder: can empowerment be quiet? Can power exist apart from the external version I’ve created for it?

I think yes. And only now am I realizing how exhausting this armor has been to carry.

I got tired of carrying my ‘armored-power-suit’ recently. The confident exterior, the positivity, the face I put on for the outside world were heavy and inauthentic. I’m not always all of those things. And I’m still powerful.

The power-facade was taking my focus and energy away from what I’m actually creating: an authentic life.

I thought it had to be big. It doesn’t.

I thought I had to show up a certain way to show my personal empowerment- I don’t.

I’ve been trying to speak louder in a world where voices are clamoring to be heard- and it did nothing. I was only trying to assert and prove the image I was creating was real- behaving how I thought it should behave, and miming her big strong attributes. And I’ve found exhaustion in her place.

The clothes don’t support the body. The bones do. And I’ve been living from the outside in.

I’ve never been good at doing things in someone else’s way. Not for very long. I circle back on myself in tiny experiments in personality- always returning afterward and noticing- I’m still me. I tried a thing on, like a mask or a hat, and I’m still underneath.

‘Loud empowerment’ was like that for me. After a relationship in which I felt disempowered, I armored myself with strong boundaries and steadfastly defensive energy- ready to jump in and defend myself at any and every moment. This readiness to protect myself felt necessary to my survival within a relationship. I felt like I’d found my voice, and I was ready to fight with it.

Much to my chagrin, this persona I’d created weighed heavily on my spirit. I found myself in a state of perpetual threat- ready to take most things personally in order to defend my honor, which(in my mind) was routinely violated. This knight in shining armor operated under the assumption that I needed protection, and the result was equally disempowering. I’d put on this costume that looked big on the outside, in order to protect the one cowering and afraid within me. The girl who still didn’t feel like she was enough. The one who needed protection.

This hiding underneath myself felt like lying.

I found myself wondering-

When will the underneath be the outside?

When will the inside shine forth and be the powerful one? Why do I feel like I have to protect her with costumes?

I listened to a book recently called Fierce Intimacy by Terry Real. He painted a stunning picture of what I’ve been acting out that immediately brought me to tears:

My pattern in relationships has been to feel small and withdraw. In my latest relationship, I withdraw under a guise of perpetual victimhood, in which I have to fight my partner in order to be seen.

Where I thought I was liberating myself through speaking up, I was actually reinforcing my disempowered state. Empowerment is much quieter than all that. And in order for it to be fair, the act mustn’t be one of ‘ I’m going to push you down so now I’m up’; instead the dynamic must be balanced with an energy of equality. Otherwise, all I’m perpetuating is a power-struggle for dominance.

I realized my assumptions about my partner were based on my own lack of self-esteem. I’d learned to assume he saw me as ‘less than’ and in the process of ‘fighting to be an empowered woman’, I behaved in a way that perpetuated the unequal dynamic.

I’m his (and everyone’s) equal. I can start acting like his equal. And equals don’t dominate each other. They don’t talk down to one another. And they don’t feel the need to wear armor in order to make it through their day.

The boundaries I was missing were silent- they existed in my own mind. When I began to realize the importance of how I see myself, rather how I assumed he saw me, I began to shine from the inside out. My armor was and is my self-worth. It’s not heavy- it’s fast, powerful, and free. My power-struggle for acknowledgment was always happening within me, and it’s still there. She’ll always be with me. But I can choose to behave in a way that makes me an equal or reflects a power struggle. One of those is truly empowered and the other is not.

The quiet one, it turns out (for me), is the most confident, empowered, and free.