Perfectionism Is A Trap. Free Yourself!
Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly
Upon opening a box of my schoolwork stored in my mother’s basement, I found a paper from 3rd grade when I was learning to write cursive. What’s noticeable is not the regularity of the connecting circles drawn in pencil, but the erasure marks that were so violent I’d made holes in the paper.
At eight years old, I was already a perfectionist.
Perfectionism has not served me well.
Like that paper, which I destroyed in my repeated attempts to draw perfect circles, my effort to be perfect has destroyed much more than it has produced.
Are You A Perfectionist?
- Is “good enough” never really good enough for you?
- Do you find yourself sweating even the smallest stuff?
- Do you have trouble delegating tasks because you worry another person won’t perform up to your high standards?
- Do you procrastinate because you worry that you won’t be able to perform up to your own high standards?
- Do projects you began with initial enthusiasm remain unfinished because you judge your work-in-progress so harshly?
- Have you ever destroyed a project — like I did my practice paper — with your repeated attempts to “make it right”? (For example, the writer who deletes the rough draft of a short story, the knitter who unravels a whole mitten because of a dropped stitch.)
- Do you constantly feel like a failure?
According to Amanda Ruggeri in her excellent article “The Dangerous Downsides of Perfectionism”:
Perfectionistic tendencies have been linked to a laundry list of clinical issues: depression and anxiety (even in children), self-harm, social anxiety disorder and agoraphobia, obsessive-compulsive disorder, binge eating, anorexia, bulimia, and other eating disorders, post-traumatic stress disorder, chronic fatigue syndrome, insomnia, hoarding, dyspepsia, chronic headaches, and, most damning of all, even early mortality and suicide.
Ruggieri notes that unlike someone who has been diagnosed with any of the above psychological issues, the perfectionist often considers this label a badge of honor. “She’s a perfectionist!” is usually said as a compliment, not an insult.
According to Ruggieri:
… while conscientious people tend to live longer, perfectionists die earlier.
Yes, we perfectionists are a stressed-out bunch.
When you start equating the quality of your performance with your value as a person, it’s no wonder you will avoid taking action on those tasks that are most important to you — the fear of failure stops you in your tracks because too much is on the line.
If your value lies only in what you do, then you equate making a mistake with being a mistake. Yet the only way to grow is to make mistakes. The perfectionist is playing a game s/he can never win and often stops playing the game altogether.
The maxim ‘Nothing but perfection’ may be spelled ‘Paralysis.’ — Winston Churchill
In his YouTube video “How To Stop Procrastination Right Now”, Medium writer Ayodeji Awosika describes five effective strategies for overcoming procrastination.
According to Ayo, to build self-trust you must consistently make an effort, do the things that are important to you, and give yourself permission to do them imperfectly. One way to build momentum is to do what Ayo calls “riffing” — jumping in and doing something, anything, even something small, even if it’s only for ten minutes.
But doing small things imperfectly was not the way I was raised. My parents not only wanted a lot for me but expected a lot from me. And as an only child, I carried the whole weight of their hopes and dreams.
Only children tend to compare themselves to adults — without constant contact with siblings, it’s difficult to have an accurate idea of what you should be capable of at a young age. I can remember watching my parents perform mundane tasks such as tying their shoes or writing out checks and feeling comparatively inadequate.
On my report cards, teachers often commented: “Cathy is very hard on herself.” But I can’t imagine I came out of the womb this way.
My father was a good man who worked hard to provide for us. But he was also a perfectionist. His demanding nature caused me to doubt my abilities at a very young age.
I couldn’t do anything quite right. If I brought home a rare B on a test he’d ask, “What happened?” If I tried to help on a home project, he’d soon grab the hammer from me because it took me more than one try to pound a nail straight.
Even at Christmas, what should have been a joyous time inevitably devolved into a fight with me in tears because he believed there was a “right way” to decorate the tree. To this day, every year when I strewn the string of lights around my own Christmas tree with relative abandon, I’m still shocked when it turns out looking beautiful.
It’s a lesson I keep having to relearn — a good effort is usually good enough. Painstaking attention to detail is rarely warranted. Past a certain point, more effort doesn’t bring a commensurately better result. And in fact, trying too hard can take all the joy out of doing.
In the late 1990s when I was in my late 30’s, I lived in Woodstock, NY where I met hippies of all ages. Their common outlook was that life was meant to be enjoyed in the moment. They lived with greater freedom than I’d ever allowed myself. Many of the younger couples were raising children who to me seemed amazingly open and unafraid of the world.
I remember watching a long-haired little boy painting a fence next to his long-haired father — his paintbrush was dipped in water, not paint, and he was slapping the brush onto the wood with abandon. I so envied him — he was being allowed to experience the joy of doing a thing without worrying about the outcome.
Aren’t You Tired of Trying So Hard?
I know I am.
Perfectionism destroys your self-esteem. You can never be good enough.
Perfectionism destroys your chances. How many opportunities have you let flow through your fingers because you feared you couldn’t take the chance to even take the chance?
Perfectionism bolsters a sense of false superiority. When you set your standards too high, you tend to judge others harshly.
What goes up, must come down. Superiority is on a see-saw with Inferiority — and your self-esteem will go up and down if you base your self-worth on comparisons with the strengths or weaknesses perceive in others.
Perfectionism is self-abuse of the highest order.― Anne Wilson Schaef
So, How Do You Overcome Perfectionism?
The subtitle for this article- “Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly” is part of a quote by Zig Ziglar:
Yes, it’s absolutely true that anything worth doing is worth doing poorly — until you can learn to do it well.
I’m certainly not arguing for throwing all standards out the window, but for those of us who have lived with chronic perfectionism since childhood, repatterning our expectation of ourselves so it is more realistic requires a radical recalibration.
And more than this, it requires self-compassion. Buddhist teacher Tara Brach, who often writes and speaks about the “trance of unworthiness” so many of us suffer from, offers this:
The renowned seventh-century Zen master Seng-tsan taught that true freedom is being “without anxiety about imperfection.” This means accepting our human existence and all of life as it is.
There is no ultimately no such thing as a life perfectly lived.
So, permit yourself to try.
Permit yourself to fail.
Permit yourself to do something without knowing how it will turn out.
You just might surprise yourself and produce something perfect in its imperfection — just like you.
