Perfectionism and Addiction: How to Connect to the Love We Crave
In our patriarchal culture, we need femininity more than ever.
Do you ever eat too many cookies, sometimes without really tasting them? Too much alcohol? TV? Work? Sex? Drugs? Food? You are not alone. Our bodies are incredibly wise, and these compulsions reflect an imbalance.
We need more divine feminine energy, yet our patriarchal culture has demeaned and dismissed femininity. As a result, our country has become incredibly depressed, anxious, lonely, and addicted.
We are actually craving rest, acceptance, connection, empathy, unconditional love, play, and compassion.
Why am I acting in ways that hurt me? I have had a life-long struggle with perfectionism, dabbling in many addictions. It feels scary and confusing.
I want to describe the struggle that I have identified in myself and my environment and some ways to cultivate balance.
This post has been influenced and inspired by “Addiction to Perfection,” by Marion Woodman, “Circle of Stones: Woman’s Journey to Herself,” by Judith Duerk, and my Jungian therapist.
The Problem
- Shaming Feminine Energy
- Missing Divine Mothers
- Feeling Disconnected
The Solution
- Become Aware of Compulsive Spirals
- Connect with Our Bodies
- Embrace Compassion
We have been shaming feminine energy.
Our patriarchal culture shames feminine energy. When we do not embrace our femininity, our masculinity becomes inflated, and we push ourselves to work harder and harder to become superhumans or machines.
We are human beings, not superhumans or machines.
Growing up, I had two choices: be feminine and be considered stupid or unnecessary, or I could be masculine, accomplishing and achieving in ways that I could earn the love I craved. I chose the latter.
I learned to hide my weakness. I put that shit away. Like most women, I grew up without any celebration of womanhood, sexuality, intuition, or my body.
I learned that as a woman, others expect me to stay in a box. People in my environment expected me to be pleasant, dress modestly, be submissive, be what others needed me to be, and be highly critical of my own body.
Instead of being appreciated and valued for being, our culture expects women to cram themselves into doing, into masculine norms of our capitalist culture.
We have been missing divine mothers.
We miss divine motherly love. Many of us did not grow up feeling connected to our mothers. Our mothers never felt at peace with themselves and, therefore, could not fully connect with us.
I was a “daddy’s girl,” and my mom always felt more like a friend. It’s a tragedy not to receive the divine, forgiving, unconditional love of a mother.
We have very few role models for sacred, wise femininity. We learned that femininity means being weak, needy, over-emotional, dramatic, or over-sensitive.
I was often called “high maintenance” and grew up believing that I was too needy, stupid, wild, and sensitive. Now I am struggling to rewrite these unhelpful scripts and to see the unhelpful absurdity for what it is.
Being sensitive is a gift. It’s a blessing to have empathy, intuition, awareness, feelings, and compassion for others and ourselves. It’s a superpower. So thank you.
We have been feeling disconnected.
More than anything, we felt disconnected from ourselves and others, especially as women.
Feminine energy grounds and nurtures us. Without a deep connection to ourselves and our needs, we deny our soul’s cravings. We cut off our spiritual nurturing and search for love in all the wrong places.
We develop secret addictions. We feel guilty but don’t know how to stop the spiraling. We lose consciousness, and we become destructive. We seek relaxation in death instead of life.
We need to become aware of compulsive spirals.
We lose consciousness and awareness as we slip into the spiral of compulsive behaviors.
Recently I have been getting lost in comedy TV shows. I felt incredibly anxious between episodes, beating myself up about it — I’m so lazy and pathetic, what a mess. Only losers do stuff like this.
We first need to recognize our changing thoughts as the destructive energy takes over. Get curious about the slope and take breaks to reconnect with yourself. With TV shows, sweets, or alcohol, I have started getting curious about what I need, what amounts feel healthy, and intentionally increasing my awareness.
When we take the time to reconnect with ourselves — either with deep breathing, grounding, a moment of silence, etc. — we can make healthier decisions that honor our bodies and our life energy.
We need to connect with our bodies.
Our bodies are incredibly wise, and they know how to survive. They are not stupid instruments for us to manipulate.
Our bodies are not separate from us. They are part of us. When we tune into our intuition and start to trust ourselves, we can embrace our inner guide in every situation.
Let your body move how it wants to move. Listen to what your body needs and craves. You don’t need another diet or structure to enforce on your body. Go dancing, do yoga, do breathwork, or get sexual. Listen and let your body speak to you.
We need to embrace compassion.
Sometimes we need to take breaks. Sometimes we need to listen and let things settle with us. It’s okay not to know what’s supposed to happen next.
As someone who has always had a 5 to 10-year plan, it’s tough to sit with uncertainty. It feels much safer to have a solid plan, and our hyper-masculine culture respects that.
Listening to ourselves and giving ourselves time to process is ultimately the safest way to go. Quickly getting somewhere doesn’t matter too much if you’re going the wrong way.
Knowing what you need is not a linear process. It’s a spiral, feminine process.
Final thoughts
Does this message resonate? Have other mindsets or books been helpful for you on your journey to balance and self-compassion?
The fact that you’ve read this far tells me you are a highly conscious and considerate human. I’d love to hear from you!
Thank you for creating a safe space for me to share vulnerable stories! If you’re feeling generous, you can send some kind words or buy me a coffee.
If you like my writing, you may enjoy these articles too: