MAGOO MINDED

You Can’t Fake Your Accent on Twitter

I’m not French but you should hear my accent

I grew up surrounded by academics so I sound like a commentator on NPR. That means people think I know what they’re talking about. I sound smart. So, whenever I tell someone I don’t get it or ask a follow-up question, they giggle. You’re so funny, Amy. I play along. That’s why they pay me the little bucks.

I’ve been advised by experts my general confusion, about what people are talking about, is not because I’m a moron. I’m what you call a different thinker. Where I went to school, telling someone you were a different thinker was a one-way ticket into the special room. When I got confused, it was better to say I was stoned and spend lunch with the guidance counselor, where we practiced saying no to drugs.

My brain is like Mr. Magoo’s eyes. I can almost see what people are talking about, but not exactly. For those of you under 1,000 years old, Mr. Magoo is a cartoon guy who was very nearsighted, but not quite blind. He was always bumping into things, walking off buildings, and wandering onto construction sites — just to name a few.

That’s how my brain works. It meanders, crashes into things, and declares random eurekas, in no particular order. Every discovery my mind happens upon does not come from logical deductions, but from tripping over an errant idea.

This is Mr. Magoo.

Because I sound like Nina Totenberg, people say smart stuff to me all the time like I read encyclopedias in the bathtub for pleasure. I don’t know what they’re talking about. For those of you born after 1333, an encyclopedia is a paper Google with fact-checking. It’s not a phonebook.

So why are you this way Amy, you ask? Unless you’ve already wandered off in which case, I totally understand. Why contemplate someone else’s naval?

I think my general confusion is because I don’t listen too good. I watched a Ted Talk about how to listen. I got a 1 out of 6 on the good listener quiz. That’s a low F. I might understand people better, I pondered, if I wasn’t waiting for my turn to talk — but, I’m not ready to give up on my turn yet.

Another place my brain pulls a Mr. Magoo is on Twitter. I don’t understand Twitter. I have no idea what people are saying in there. When I ask people on Twitter what the hell they’re talking about, they respond, lol. You’re so funny, Amy. It’s because I even look smart on computer.

You’re probably thinking I don’t get Twitter because I’m old and unhip. Maybe, but trying to communicate on Twitter is like learning a new language. I’m better faking the accents than speaking the languages.

If I could fake an accent on Twitter, I’d fit right in. I faked a French accent in Paris to pretend I was French. I fooled everyone. People ran out of les fromageries and tossed stinky cheese at me.

I also had a best friend in high school from Italy, so his Italian was pretty good. We used to take the bus downtown and fake dramatic arguments to get attention.

He’d yell at me in Italian and I’d yell back at him in an Italian accent. People thought we were both Italian. I fooled everyone on the bus, but I cannot figure out how to fool people on Twitter.

You’re probably wondering what this article is about. I’m with you. I wish I could explain it to you. I think it’s about being confused. I’m just guessing. I don’t want to brag, but this article is brilliant and I am not as smart as I look.

Thanks, BOF for his thoughtful and thorough editing.

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