Summary

The article discusses the pitfalls of the saviour complex in everyday relationships, emphasizing the importance of self-sufficiency and the potential psychological issues behind overly helpful behavior.

Abstract

The author of the article argues that the saviour complex, often manifesting as excessive helpfulness or mothering in friendships, can be detrimental to both the helper and the recipient. This behavior, sometimes rooted in low self-esteem or insecurity, can lead to the creation of forceful social norms and unhealthy codependent relationships. The article uses the cultural context of Japan, where offering seats to the elderly is considered disrespectful, to illustrate how unsolicited help can be unwelcome. It suggests that individuals should focus on being self-sufficient and not rely on external validation to feel worthy. The author, Midori, concludes by encouraging readers to recognize and address their own compulsive need to help, advocating for healthier, more independent relationships.

Opinions

The saviour complex in friendships can be a sign of significant psychological issues in the helper.
Offering help to others can sometimes be more about the helper's need for validation than the recipient's actual needs.
The author sympathizes with older Japanese people who prefer not to be offered seats as it implies frailty and the need for extra help.
The article suggests that people with a saviour complex may appear organized and well-put-together, but this masks their underlying compulsivity and insecurity.
The author believes that being overly helpful can reinforce the helper's narrative of inadequacy and lead to codependent relationships.
Midori emphasizes that self-sufficiency is crucial for confidence and that external validations are not necessary to prove one's worth.
The article challenges the myth of the soulmate as someone indispensable, even if they are harmful to one's well-being.
The author advocates for the importance of recognizing and managing the saviour complex to prevent the formation of negative, codependent relationships.

People Should Keep Their Saviour Complex in Check

Maternal instinct, insecurity and whatever shit excuses we got don’t make it okay

This is not a ranting post, and I’m also not talking about the saviour complex in a humanitarian setting (something my white friends who work in NGOs supporting developing countries often confront themselves with).

I’m talking about the everyday kind of friendship where one feels a compulsive need to mother another person. Even if they are the same age.

Most people want to be supportive and helpful to others, some even want to be so for a random person in need on the street. But sometimes, if you are on the receiving end, it doesn’t always feel good.

Not only that, it might indicate significant psychological issues of the helper.

Don’t give up your seat for older people in Japan

Turn out, it’s disrespectful to give up your seat on public transport for older people in Japan. People generally don’t take the priority seats, and those are marked for people in need.

The reason is that older people don’t want to be publicly considered to be old. They don’t like the idea to be seen as so frail that someone thinks they must receive extra help.

We don’t need extra help

Although I am not Japanese, I can sympathise with the older Japanese people.

I am a chaotic person with very little regard for social courtesy and whatnot, imagine a messy Sheldon Cooper (from Big Bang Theory). So people can’t help but want to make sure I’m okay. They always ask me things like whether I’ve been eating properly, or do I know the due date of whatever.

And then, they will look surprised when I show that I do know what’s going on.

Oh my god, how’s that possible? Because although I am a chaotic person, I know what I’m doing. I adult well, in my own messy way.

Keep your saviour complex in check

My rant’s over. The reason why this issue is big enough to render an article is because this level of patronising shows two things:

A normalised compulsivity to do things in one particular way, and
A disregarded psychological issue on the one with a saviour complex

I mentioned above that there is more than one way to get things done. It’s very easy for people with a saviour complex to dominate how we do things, and this creates forceful social norms that make others really uncomfortable. A classic example is a corporate world where extreme conformity is expected.

But even more threatening, is that as the one with a saviour complex normally appears to be organised and have their shits together, it becomes dangerously easy to ignore the fact that they are the one who has excessive compulsivity that needs addressing.

Problems with having a saviour complex

It’s important to figure out why one person develops a saviour complex, and everyone has a different reason (as people have different upbringing).

But the most tricky one which I want to address is the low self-esteem. A person who is told they are inadequate growing up can develop low self-esteem which manifests in being extra helpful to others, so much that they deserve to be valued.

The helpfulness feeds the narrative that we must help others so that we aren’t inadequate and valueless. The more they help others, and the more people rely on them mostly because of their helpfulness, will fortify the unconscious idea that they are fundamentally inadequate.

As a result, being extra helpful becomes these people’s identity.

They can’t love themselves and see themselves as valuable unless they help others.

What does this indicate? A big risk of codependent relationships.

The narrative of codependent relationships

As I’m so chaotic in nature, I am prone to be loved by people with a saviour complex. So I have gone through a few codependent relationships which all led to me confronting their almost controlling behaviour.

I am lucky because I don’t feed into the narrative that ‘I need help and this person can help me’. I somehow always know that I’m an adequate person and they need to chill out.

But if a person isn’t as confident about their chaotic independence as I do (somehow), the spiral of a codependent relationship can be very unhealthy.

It depends on the person and the case-at-hand, we have seen sustained domestic violence, addiction, and other forms of self-destructive behaviour that do no good to either side of the party.

Let’s be clear, it’s a myth

It’s a myth that there’s a soulmate of some sort that is so rare and special that we can’t live without them even though they are bad for us. It’s false.

We’re better to live alone and healthily, than with someone who’s controlling.

Stop the spiral!

From the receiving end of people with a saviour complex, I can see clearly why this is so unhealthy and dangerous. As I said, because they look so organised and well put together, it’s easy to ignore that they could be fundamentally troubled.

The world doesn’t need any more codependent relationships. So stop the spiral.

Chaotic people or not, we need to learn to be self-sufficient in every way. This means that our confidence is self-sufficient, we don’t need external validations to prove that we’re worth it. We also need to learn to take care of ourselves, to be a proper adults.

The universe doesn’t need more negative energy, and I hope this confession/expose of the saviour complex keeps all of us in check.

My name is Midori and I write stories and non-fiction posts like this with an underlying spiritual theme. If you like this kind of thing, you are welcome to follow me on Medium or subscribe to my newsletter which comes out every Sunday.